Issues with my Mother

[Megan]

I think my mother knows that I am at least gay, since I left a gay book in my room, and implied it a few times.

So... I came home today and found out that she bought me a new book bag for school I guess. But on the book bag is like an erotic woman pose kinda resembling Miley Cyrus and Megan Fox combine. The book bag doesn't bother as much as the fact that this book bag really says that she has no clue or just in denial.

And yesterday she just said that she doesn't care who I dated (since she knows I am at least gay).She said, "I don't care if you date a black woman, a black man, a transvestite, a Chinese".  And whatever. I told her I wouldn't do that. I am not racist but she kinda is.

And she said I should cut my hair a couple of months ago, and that I want to look like a girl (my hair isn't even long), And she went crazy when I told her no (all week, and repeatedly), so she started crying and all and banging against the door. I let her cut my hair that one day (biggest regret of the year), and I was depress for a few days about it.

So, now I want to take a small revenge by dating all the sluttiest girls in school and be out all night. I guess if she wants me to be more like a normal guy I'll go beyond that, and I won't care. I'll just do it to drive her angry now. I might even put a female porn star on my wall.

I have no idea how to start dating girls I guess, so I am just going to force to ask one out.

[Hannah]

oh, honey 

This sounds dicey, she lumped 'transvestite' in with people she clearly doesn't like. How old are you darling? I can't help you deal with your mother, but I know a thing or two about dealing with being 'gay'. If you think about it, we're actually straight but why complicate things 

Dating the slutty girls isn't going to help, I tried that too. Imagine yourself chained to a pole with your back bare, every girl is like another snap of the whip. The longer you stay chained to that pole the more scars you'll have. Sure, they eventually heal but your'e never the same.

Not to mention, girls are people too and even the slutty ones have feelings that your'e likely to hurt. Girls blame themselves when a former lover "turns" gay. Seriously. I know it makes no sense but they do it anyway. Worst case scenarios include breaking someones heart (and let me tell you, the traits that generally go along with being gay will also make any girl consider you an awesome boyfriend) and getting one of them pregnant.

Since it doesn't sound like your mother is truly interested in you being yourself, I might suggest just telling her you aren't dating because you want to focus on school/work/sports/whatever. I think most parents can deal with that. I really hate to point the way to the closet for you because it's really, really hard to get out of once your'e in, but it exists for a reason: people like your mother.

[Megan]

Well I was just thinking of dating them (short term commitments), rather than just carry them for a long term. And give her the illusion that I might be doing things worse.

I'm seventeen but I consider myself already 18 because I will be  by the end of the year. I done everything I could to make her happy, I have a job, good grades, didn't do drugs. The sad part is that she, and my grandma are the only people I really had. I never had  a friend in life, so I can't go to them. My brother is in like every class of mine in high school so I just can't be me, but like a character so he wouldn't report back to home. (And he has failing grades, no job, lazy, and stays up all night) But then he complains that I am mean to him, so they are all over my case, and they think I am cruel. I really feel they want me out of the house... and I have no where to go if I could leave I would. I have to finish high school, that's what is holding me back.

I just don't care anymore, before I care about what she thought about me. But I am just going to reverse it all, and become someone that she doesn't want me to be but at the same time not becoming gay. She will hate me being more straighter than ever.

It's like putting a character up, without revealing your true self so your true self won't be hurt. And now my grandma thinks I'm a dirty old man because she thinks I have nasty photos of women in my room (I don't). Which would be the same reply my mother will start giving once I become really straight.

---
this sounds like a crazy person I know, but I'm still sane.

I just can't come out because I know she will use it against me.

----

She thinks transvestites are the weirdest people in the world, but at the same time acting like we shouldn't be mean to them. She's just a hypocrite about everything.

And I think she warped my ideas on them (she slumps transvestites as transsexuals which I think I am ) so I am afraid to be what she thinks is the weirdest. This feels like a pimple that can't burst. I am pretty sure I lost a childhood, and all my teenage years to living with this family. I lost so much in life. And I don't even know who I really am anymore.

[tekla]

Don't
DON'T
DON'T...

...ruin your life just to prove a point to someone else, even your parents.

And though there are really damn few good reasons not to have casual sex, and lots of it - you managed to come up with one.  Again, do it because you want to have sex, not to show someone else.  If that was the deal, just find someone who will let you tape it (easier than you might think) and you can keep showing the tape to your mom.  "Look mom!  We're doing it doggie style and she's even barking while she's down on all fours."  That ought to keep mom quite for a while.

[Dana Lane]

If you are going to shock your mom better to do it with the truth.

[Unconditional Acceptance]

Don't
DON'T
DON'T...

...ruin your life just to prove a point to someone else, even your parents.

I'm really with tekla on this one, Megan. I'm your age (it even sounds like our 18th birthdays are pretty close together) and believe me, I've definitely been through heaps of crap when it comes to identity and whether or not I let the world see the real me. I've tried hiding to prevent the pain, but it does not work forever. I tried it for about 5 years or so and all I ever got out of it was grief. I hate seeing that happen to other people.

I'm not saying self-acceptance is easy by any measure, 'cause it's not, but the people around you should NEVER have to be the deciding factor in whether or not you take yourself as yourself. Never.

Good luck!