Two years is a long time. However, it's been less then that, that we have been doing anything remotely about me being trans. Sure you could say that "transformation" thing we paid for was a step, and it was kind of. Think about it though, we made some poor choices that day that made me end up looking like a hooker. So yes I dressed up for the first time, but you and I were holed up in the hotel room the entire time... doing nothing. It wasn't really that much of anything, and certainly didn't do much to help me decide anything. So putting that aside, the only time we've actually spent seriously on this is the time we've been on these boards.
During that time, I've fully accepted the fact that I have GID whether or not a therapist has diagnosed it. I know who, and what, I am. I've dressed up, twice (infront of your sister no less) for my first trip out somewhere. Yes it was pride, but I was still on 6 different trains, and we even went into a Shopper's Drugmart make-up section to ask advise about foundation. Plus only my second time out on the town dressed as a woman, I ended up using the ladies' bathroom. Since that point I have dressed up on more than one occassion simply for around the house, for Savannah. I went and got my eyebrows done, which at first wasn't a good expeirence, that time hit me a bit harder then I let on. Then I got dressed to get my eyebrows done again, not only that but my make-up as well! We walked around the mall, and even went to my favorite place to eat. These may seem like small steps to you, but to me they're huge.
You keep pushing me, and that's fine. If it weren't for you I never would have gotten even this far. I understand it frustrates you that I'm so indecisive, but it's hard for me. I don't mean any of this to try and downplay what your feeling, as it must be much worse then what I am. You worry, way too much, about everything. So I'm sure it hits you hard everyday. To that extent I try to put on a charade of nonchalance, because somehow I think if I don't seem to worry about anything it will help you calm down. My mind races every second of every day, and I try to sort out the jumble but it's not easy. I don't talk to you about it for two reasons:
1. I don't want to burden your worries with my own
2. I have troulbe putting anything into words without first thinking it over for a long time. I can type these things that I think, because I can take all the time in the world to do so. When talking however, by the time I've thought of how to say something, you've already moved on.
I'm scared, and in some ways I don't know why. Any decision I make, effects not only me, but you as well. You say you can give up the thought of having kids, but I know you don't want to. You've said so many times before (truthfully) that you married me because you believed me to be the "man" you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I know you don't mean that to put me down, or to be detrimental to who I really am inside. Let's face it though, partnership of this kind in a base biological sense, is for reproduction. Me being a woman kinda ruins that don't you think? On the other hand, that doesn't effect the human love we hold for each other. I love you with all my heart, and you (I hope) give me the same. That love we hold is for who we are as people, not base biological needs, and in that sense gender doesn't matter. My mind does this we a great many things, it jumps to one rational conculsion and is solid in that matter, then a second later will rationalise (most likely correctly as well) the exact oppsite making it impossible to choose. In the issues pretaining to you, I'm probably subconciously tricking myself into thinking there are only two choices, which are both perfectly reasonable but condtradict each other, when a third or even fourth choice slips by unnoticed.
Pretaining to myself, ignoring you completely as you have asked me to do many times. I'm still scared. Transition is a long and hard process, far from painless both phsyically and emotionally and like any rational creature; I'm afraid of pain. I am a woman on the inside, and I would love to have the outside match. I would give anything to not have so much testosterone coursing through me, I think I would be calmer and harder to anger then. On the flip side I worry that transition won't change how I feel. The outside would match the inside (mental) in a purely visual since, but I'm worried that I may still not feel comfortable with my body as the inside(genetically) would still be male (I might feel that way whether or not it's true in the strictest sense.) Sometimes I think to myself, if there were a magic potion I could drink and then wake up wholly female the next morning, I would drink it without a second thought. That in its self should be answer enough for what I should decide to do, but then my thoughts stray back to us and my thought processes moves right back to the beginning.
Anyone reading this must think I'm a complete idiot. I know many people will just say "either way you need a therapist." Which is true so there is no need to actually say it. A therapist would most likely help me make sense of my thoughts and come to a dicision either way. However, like you stated yourself, $35.00/hour is not something we can aford to just throw away at the moment. We could very well do it, it's not like we are so poor that if I took care of our finances correctly we couldn't afford it. It's not affording it that's the issue, it's the fact that I can think of more practical things to spend the money on.
We took a test in school once, to see which part of our brain we use. At the conclusion of the test, we would been shown a picture (it was all computerized) of a brain with a red dot on it. The brain was divided evenly into four sections:
1. Analytical-Visual
2. Artistic-Visual
3. Analytical-Auditory
4. Artistic Auditory
the red dot could be placed anywhere on the brain depending on how far you leaned towards each. We were assured, that generally the dot would be difinitively placed on either the right or left (Artistic-Analytical [though I don't remember which side was what]), but could be placed any number of distances between front and back (Visual-Auditory). Females could be expected to have their dots closer to the centre line between left and right, but it was extremely rare that anyone would use both equally. Once the test with finished, my dot was staring back at me happily placed directly on the centre line between left and right, leaning slightly forward towards visual. The test its self explained that people like me who use both sides of thier brain (analytical-artistic) equally are often hard to keep interested in anything, and have trouble making decisions. The reason being that each side conflicts with the other creating a impasse as the brain doesn't know which to use. I'm not saying this as an excuse, because it isn't. Simply trying to give you an idea of how my thought processes work... or don't.
I've rambled on long enough without really saying anything of worth, and I'm positive you all think I'm an utter retard by now so I'm just going to shut up. I hope atleast something I said helped even a little though.
-Adrianna
