Hello all, I figured I would write down my story and try to think up some connections of why I feel the way that I feel. I thought I would share it with everyone.
It was early winter 2001. I was 15 years old at the time. This is when I had my first transgendered thoughts. I was playing a video game called Timesplitters. It was the first one in the trilogy. I chose a female character who outfit consisted of a pair of stockings.. For some odd reason I felt drawn to this character. I did not find her sexy or wish to masturbate to this fictional image, I do not really understand why I had felt this way. As time went on this feeling within me grew. By November of the same year I had created my first e-mail account under the name Ashley Stevens. I went on this one particular chat room known as
jippii.com where I pretended to be a girl named Ashley. I soon met a girl online and told of my desire to dress up in a pair of stockings and that was that, or so I thought. Early in the year of 2002 I began to desire to do more than just dress up into one piece of cloth, I wanted to dress up completely as a woman. I had changed my female name from Ashley to Lauren. I even gave myself the middle name of Chelsea. I began to notice girls in school, but not the way you would think a young man at the age of 16 would do so. I was rather jealous of the girls and their clothes. I finally told my father's girlfriend what I felt like doing and she was ok with it. That summer, in order to relieve my desire to dress up, I began painting my nails. I went to visit family and they harassed me about having my nails painted.
Just before school started back up that fall, my dad's girlfriend at the time told me that I need to quit my transgendered activities and start behaving like a young man. She also said that I could never make a convincing girl. Right after she said all of this, I went into the bathroom and I cried a little bit. This was when I knew how important "Lauren" was to me. I needed more than clothes to make me happy. Throughout the rest of the year of 2002 and all of 2003, I tried to find an outlet for my strong desire to be known as Lauren. In the winter of 2004 I eventually decided that if I could not take things to the next step in an appearance way, I thought I could try some other way. I eventually found a site that explained how to train a voice to be feminine. Try as I might, I just could not get it to work for me. Every time I practiced I always got frustrated and then depressed about the whole thing. I then decided I would be genderless.
In 2006, I started noticing that I was hanging around more girls at community college. I did not notice at the time, but reflecting back on it now, these girls had somewhat similar personalities to my own. I wonder if I was trying to live as Lauren through them in some way. Things went on like this for a few years until I reached Mount Saint Mary's University my 4 year college I am still currently attending. My gender issues sprang up once again. These two small but upbeat girls really made my dysphoric like nature come alive once again. I even started to take notice of my female teachers. I know that they are a couple decades older than I am, but somehow they also triggered this nature inside of me. During the fall of 2008 I had a history teacher by the name of Dr. Notar. She had a very, "let's get down to business" attitude. In the winter of 2009 I had a tutor for statistics. Her name was Mandee Grote. She had a very rational and dry sarcastic like nature about her. This is also similar to my own nature as well. I guess I enjoyed these two people because it made me feel as if I myself could one day be a woman as well.
I never really feel as though I am putting on an act, but somehow these transgendered feelings have kept persisting since 2001. Even back in early 2000 I remember noticing my science teacher ms, Thomas when she wore dark opaque pantyhose as well as my computer applications teacher ms. Etzler. It is rather funny how back then I did not know what it was. Then this feeling developed into just partial crossdressing, then to full blown crossdressing, and finally to some kind of transsexualism. I do not quite understand why I did not feel any of this at an earlier time in my life, but somehow I am stuck with it now. One day I might get the courage to tell this to someone and finally get the help I need.
Sorry for the big post
