I believe I am transgendered.

[ConfusedAsHell]

So, here's my story. I believe I am transgendered.  I have to live up to a "girly" role in my extremely conservative town. All my life, I have always liked boy things and I have wanted to be one.  There is a twist, I'm not in any way attracted to women. I am only attracted to gay men. I came to these boards because I have no one else to go to. My family is very conservative, along with all of my friends (the straight ones anyway.)

I guess what confuses me most is that I never have heard about any transexual girls who want to be with men after the transformation, except for me. I believe that I was meant to be a gay male. As crazy as it sounds, I know this isn't just a phase. I have met gay guys in online chatrooms, talked to them a lot online, even spoke to some on the phone. I have a low voice for a girl, and can sound like a guy when I try hard enough.  I know it's strange that I meet these guys, talk to them on the phone, and stop talking to them when they want to meet. Nothing feels more right then having these somewhat flirtacious conversations with these gay guys. Most people would just say, "If you like guys, then you are straight." But I picture myself as a guy, with a guy. I don't like guys in a straight manner. I have tried, but I just can't be attacted to them as a girl. Funny thing is, at my school, I would be one of the last people that people would think would need a sex change. I drive the girliest car and "love" makeup (meaning I put it on so people won't suspect.) But there are little things about my body that are masculine. For example, I have some of the biggest hands and calf muscles you will ever see on a "girl."


I would love to have a sex change but with my conservative family, it's either A. Get a sex change, live out my life the way I know I should, and never see my family again. or B. Be miserable, but have my family there by my side.  It would be a lot easier if I hated my family, but we are all best friends as well as blood-related. I know I should tell them, they will love me no matter what, but I am so scared. Sure, they will be nice to me to my face, but I know they would say things about me behind my back. More than anything, I don't want to cause embarrassment/awkwardness for them. Help on what I should do about this? I feel like telling them is not an option.


I actually find myself watching movies like "Get Real" and "Boys Don't Cry" and even Brokeback Mountain to cope with my transexuality. 


Please comment on what I should do about my family, what you guys think about me only wanting to be with a man as a man, and overall, can I just have some good advice? I feel like I can't talk to anybody about this. Thanks guys, hope to hear from you soon.

[Ricki]

Hi michelle you could be, I mean ts girl wanna be guy but be gay that is not something in this space that sounds too extreme or out there?
I am not one of the better experts to give guidance starting out there are a lot of transitioned folks here that have much better insight to your delimma.
You sound like you fight many common obstacles that all or most of us had to deal with leave or overcome. 
eventually you will have to explain or talk with your family at least parents>?
do not do what i did and that was make assumptions that just because you are in a catostraphic turmoil and you have an issue that your mom or dad or family or friends will just say oh ah okay fine dude or dudette that's great we love you anyway.  do not allow yourself to get a preconceived notion of how you want them to react cause when they do not react the way you "EXPECT" then you'll be hugely disturbed!  I was it literally sent me over the edge and later that year was a bad bad time of my life! 
You said "they will love me no matter what"  I do not wanna scare you but if people in this website reply they'll agree with me gender issues are very difficult for siblings and parents to understand or accept, do not set yourself up for any preconceived assumptions on how you think your family will react, you'll save yourself a lot of emotional misery. 
Most here will say attempt some sort of therapy to diagnose or explore better, i hope this little bit helps
I'll check this post more to see what others write in
Good luck
Ricki

[Kismet]

Hey guess what dude,
Same story for me! I identify as a gay male as well. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
If you ever want to talk or whatever, you can IM me, or E-mail me.
szeph at rain-effect dot net for email, or bionic-dolphin at hotmail dot com.

[nonie]

Yep, I went through all that too.  There was a pretty big gay community even at my high school and some of the guys referred to themselves as "gay and Nonie" (my old girl nick).  Sadly they wouldn't actually date me as that would have made them bi.  Since coming out, those guys I still talk to have all done this "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I didn't know but wow, now everything makes sense!" thing.

It took me a long time to find out that I "could" be transsexual even though I knew from early childhood...  Same exact reasons you state, too.  And I did the all-out fem thing.  But I have been finding out, more and more the more involved I am in the ftm community online, that we are NOT that rare.  Historically, maybe, I think that's only because there was no precedent for people to figure out what they were by - now we're cropping up all over the place.

I'm pre-op and pre-T, but I've been living as a guy for a couple months now and I pass pretty well, since I've been working out like mad, cut my hair short, practiced the body language and try to speak low, all that stuff.  Welcome to Susan's

Oh, and if you wanna talk, all my contact stuff is right there under my pic.
Posted on: October 20, 2006, 07:23:13 PMOh, and I've had 100% support on all fronts since coming out, family, friends, whatever, so if you wanna know what I did to tell them just ask.  I come from a liberal place and family so I can't guarantee anything but I'll give you a copy of the letter I sent my parents

[HelenW]

Welcome to Susan's, Michelle!

Confusion for transexuals is like tails on dogs - almost every one of us have it!  Most of us have gone through the same kind of questioning, sometimes over and over again.  For years!

Family and friends will fool you.  Some will be very accepting who you think never would be and others who you figure would be totally OK with it aren't.  But the first thing is to get yourself to a gender specializing therapist who can help you find your way through your questions and beyond.

In the meantime, our site is full of supportive people and great factual information (check out the WIKI especially) I'm very glad you found us.  I hope your confusion will be eased by your coming here.  Thanks, too, for your introduction.

again, WELCOME!!
helen

[cindianna_jones]

Michelle, you are not alone. All of us here have our own uniqueness.  Many of us have been what you are experiencing.  Don't feel shy.  If you have any questions, just ask.

Cindi

[Luc]

I am actually amazed at how many FtMs are gay, considering I'm quite straight. Point is, if you're a man, you're a man! Bio men are straight or gay or bi or whatever, and none of those things make them any less of men! If you feel you are a man, gay or straight, it doesn't matter!

With the family thing, I totally feel you. I am FtM, recently went full-time, but am pre-op and pre-T. I want to tell my family, but I can't. I'm terrified of losing them. I would have thought they'd notice... I have always worn men's clothing, I have facial hair, and don't hide the fact that I bind and pack... but they have not asked a thing about any of that. I love my family, and I want them to know the real me, but at this point the best thing for me is to let them live in their ignorance. I have moved out of their house for good, and if at some point in the future they ask me if I'm TS, I will obviously tell them. Otherwise, it is their choice what they find out.

I wish I could be of more help, but I've taken what I see as the coward's way out with my family because I know they would disown me if they knew... they are ultra-conservative christians, and would never understand. If you ever need to talk, my contact info is on my profile.

Rafe

[tinkerbell]

I am actually amazed at how many FtMs are gay, considering I'm quite straight. Point is, if you're a man, you're a man! 

Exactly! since sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender identity, a man is a man regardless of his sexual preference......and the same applies to a woman.....

tinkerbell

[umop ap!sdn]

I have to echo that you just never know who will be okay with it. My best friend lives in the south and is a conservative, but she completely accepts me whereas I told a family member who's a die-hard Christian and she threw a fit. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide!

[Nero]

All my life, I have always liked boy things and I have wanted to be one.  There is a twist, I'm not in any way attracted to women. I am only attracted to gay men.  

Hey man,
I am attracted to women and straight men. Orientation has naught to do with gender.

 
Please comment on what I should do about my family, what you guys think about me only wanting to be with a man as a man, and overall, can I just have some good advice? I feel like I can't talk to anybody about this. Thanks guys, hope to hear from you soon.

Okay, as far as your family goes, you never know. They could either be totally accepting (as my mother is), or disown you (as my father probably will). You never know until you tell them.
And as far as you only wanting to be with men, all that means is that you are a gay man, and there is nothing abnormal about that at all.
I got a lot of flack on another FtM forum about being a bisexual man, but you know what, that was their problem and not mine.
I love this place, because I have not been judged here.
People may not always understand me, but at least they are nice about it.
Welcome, my confused friend.

Nero

 

[Dennis]

I'm kinda glad we're not all the same. Would make for some boring conversations otherwise.  We need our Neros, our Marcos, our Mikkos and everyone in between.

Dennis (somewhere in the spectrum)