I GIVE UP NOW...

[Shelina]

Hi Sisters,

I'm back after being banned from the forum for 2 months for I never understood which exact reason. It felt so bad, not only I was I rejected in real life by my family and job but also by my 'owns' in virtual life despite they know how difficult it is to face life and this forum was my only relief.

Anyways, I've reached a point where I've REACHED THE PEAK LIMIT OF EXHAUSTION.

I did prostitution for the first 3 weeks of October as I lost my job then I quitted cos I got a very prestigeous job that I never thought I would get and accept me as female. I worked for more than 1 month and have just been fired and I am back on the streets again. They fired me cos some people were infuriated and could not accept how a person like me gets a job on the intellectual level of society. Here all people like me SHOULD just be entertainers or prostitutes, this is their prejudice.

Various dangers I am facing:
1. I have been mugged and I fought physically and broke 3 nails and started bleeding.
2. Drug addicts have threatened me cos I refused them as my pimp.
3. Other drug addicts are like vultures rodding around me for money and I need to be back home before 1am in the morning to avoid extreme dangers.
4. I HAVE BEEN LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND WAS BORDERLINE TO WALK BAREFOOT BACK TO MY TOWN FOR 10 KM AS THE HIGH HEELS WERE 7 INCH, just because I refused to do some stuffs with a client.
5. I have been left again YESTERDAY fortunately not that far this time where I could walked back. He refused to pay before having sex, he wanted sex first but I didnt want to take the risk.


I AM ON THE VERY VERGE ON 'DETRANSITIONING' AND THE ONLY THING RETAINING ME ARE THESE 2 VIDEOS BELOW AND GREAT INSPIRATION FROM THIS SISTER





My original plan was to do all these prostitution to be able to fly to Europe but it's getting too dangerous now. I really don't know what to do ANYMORE. PLEASE ADVISE ME SISTERS, I'M REALLY EXHAUSTED!!! A sister in the past posted a link for TRANSLATION JOB ONLINE WHERE SHE GETS FAIR AMOUNT SUM OF MONEY, IF YOU'RE THERE MAY I HAVE THAT LINK AGAIN PLEASE! I'll be able to dress in girl but I think I'll NEVER be able to 'TRANSITION' professionally. I give up now, back to this bull->-bleeped-<- male mode again...I RUINED MY LIFE!

[Hannah]

What a coincidence, I was just thinking about you last night.
I can only offer support, we've all done stupid stuff before and made a mess. Hang in there sweety 

[Miniar]

In the end, you have to do right by "you".
*hugs* Try and feel better hun.

[Janet_Girl]

Welcome back, Hon.  You do what you have to, but for me I would rather be homeless, unemployed and a woman than to ever go back to that life.  I have not gotten to the point of going into the sex trade, but it always an option.  NOT.

You need to take care of you, first and foremost.  If you find a friend that can help it is always worth the troubles it could cause.



Hugs and Love
Janet

[yabby]

Shelina,

i am sorry about your experience and hope it will get better in the future.

you must keep in mind that flying and staying in europe is not easy, and if you live illegally in europe it can be very difficult and everyone will exploit you.

i'll suggest you google "online translations job" and see what work you can do with only a computer and an INTERNET connection. when you work for yourself no one care if you look like a unicorn with 5 legs as long as you do the job.

on http://www.elance.com/ you can find translations jobs (but don't do it blindely, read and search how it works. google it, i am sure many people share their experiences on blogs/forums ect...)

[Just Kate]

"When you are out to set the world on fire, sometimes its okay to go back and get some more matches."

My mother used to say that.  It seems you need some downtime away from life as you've been doing it.  You might need to de-transition only for the purposes of building up the necessary funds/resources to move to a place where you can successfully transition without further risk to your health by selling your body.  If you have to do this, you shouldn't consider your transition a failure, it would only be a failure if you quit (and still wanted it).  It's just a setback.

[DamagedChris]

Shelina,

This may come off wrong, but in your posts I notice you get very exciteable and stressed...your life isn't going where you want it to, but panic isn't the answer. You might want to think about going part-time for job reasons until you can come up with the funds to complete your transition correctly. Sit down and make a list of resources you have now, resources you need to complete transition, and then a list of potential things you can do to fill the gap. Making a realistic, reasonable timeline can help get things back in perspective and make things seem like less of the end of the world.

As for going to europe...well, if you're planning on following through with transition, it would really be easier to either go to europe legally with some sort of job offer secured there, with visas and all...or to just stay in the country you are in. From what I understand the various national health care services in european countries generally only are free for citizens for things non-life threatening (though correct me if I'm wrong). Either way, finding work to fund anything over there would be beyond hard if you didn't have the papers to work in that country...at least any decent job.

I'd honestly suggest that you go part-time, find some safe,reliable income, and find a good therapist or psychiatrist before trying to push through anything else.

[Autumn]

I think this continuing saga is a great example of why therapists are supposed to identify comorbidity when gender identity is presented as a problem. Transitioning on unstable foundation is one thing, unless you're exceptionally wealthy or young with exceptional(ly wealthy) parents, everyone does that. But transitioning when you yourself are unstable is a whole nother disaster waiting to happen.

[Susan]

Banned for 4 months due to a continued refusal to understand that rule 2 prohibits topics like this on the public forum. If you have issues with anything related to moderation or Administration on this forum you are to email me. Posting on the forums WILL result in a ban. Repeating it doubles the ban. She was repeatedly warned by staff about this rule, before we moved to banning her.

Susan    October 18, 2009, 02:41:22 am    You have shown you are not able to handle the privilege of posting here.    +100
Emelye    October 04, 2009, 11:19:17 am    Continued use of maked, gratuitous, profanity    +5
Emelye    October 03, 2009, 06:32:14 pm     Repeated use of profanity although previously warned    +10

It is also considered discussing illegal activities if you post about prostitution. I am not saying you can't do it, if your individual situation dictates it, but you can't talk about it on this forum.

If you email me, be polite! I am much more responsive to an apology, than being cussed out...

[katherine]

Hi Shelina

As was previously noted, do what is best for you.  I believe, however, that you will have to deal with your transition again, one way or another.  You can't change who and what you are.  You can stop transitioning.  Many have.  The problem is, you will always be a woman.  It becomes a matter of whether you will transition (not necessarily to the point of SRS) or continue living as a man and not your true gender (which isn't particularly easy or desireable).  Take care.