'ello,
Another newbie here..
I've been lurking the forums for a while, and I've been trying to sort out my thoughts on my TS-ness, whatever category it falls into right now. About 6 months ago I discovered that FtM transsexuals exist.. o_o And pretty much my whole life sort of makes sense to me now.
Since I can remember I've wanted to be male, without ever knowing why. I remember actually feeling jealous of other people being referred to as "he"/"him". My most common wish when blowing the candles out on my birthday was simply "to wake up the next day and be a boy". Stupid stuff like that.
I didn't consider it particularly odd though, and I was quite open about it.. Actively trying to convince other kids that I was a boy, etc. :]
However when I was 11, I was put in an all-girl's school and after a couple of years of "social conditioning" I'd "learned" that acting like a boy in public was apparently completely unacceptable. Since then I shied away from anything overtly masculine, sometimes to ridiculous degrees. Eg, how I came to despise browsing shops for clothes, in case somebody (whether friend or stranger) happened to glance over and notice me take an interest in an item that was a bit boyish, and *gasp* judge me for it. :/
Back then, my mum would need to come with me and point at things, then I'd either wrinkle my nose -signifying I didn't like the item, or not not wrinkle my nose -signifying I might want to have a closer look at it. >>
Things moved on since then of course! I re-learned some social skills, and I got very good at just not thinking about/confronting bad stuff, which made me appear a very positive person on the outside, but I ended up feeling like I was simply drifting through life. I became apathetic and lacked drive for anything; even the things I thought I loved. I found it very hard to interact with other girls. My self-esteem was awful, and I still felt extremely awkward wearing/doing anything feminine. I would often find myself fishing for compliments in an attempt to confirm I was "passing" as a proper girl, but I didn't agree with any such compliment nor did receiving them make me happy. They simply made me feel a bit safer knowing that how I was acting was socially acceptable. But I still actually preferred hearing "You and your brother have the same walk/sound the same on the phone" etc. :}
From late teens up to now, I always found a lot of comfort in online forums/games where I could safely choose a male or androgynous avatar.
I feel genuinely happier these days. Since realising I may be trans, I decided it might actually be a smart idea to forget about what other people expect and live my life/do/wear what I want. Possibly easier said than done for me, but I'm taking steps! I finally cut my hair short, like I always wanted but was afraid I'd look too much like a boy/lesbian. People can think what they like, now. But I love it. :]
I am aching to transition. There is a lot of stuff I need to sort out first, though.. I have an awesome job that I'm extremely lucky to have and a lovely (currently long-distance) boyfriend. These are the only things I'm particularly worried about messing up if I go through the process. :x
I've come out to one friend (an ex) a few days ago. He took it amazingly well but I kinda expected that from him. I'm sort of ->-bleeped-<-ting myself about coming out to my man, and people at work! Family should be okay I think, but I still need to find the balls to actually do it.
I'm not sure what my first course of action should be now as far as doctors etc, go.
Has anyone had any experience of therapists (or even surgeons) in the South of England? Main gender specialists I've read about in the UK aren't exactly practical to get to for me.
Hmm anyways, sorry for the spam! (hopefully the tiny text disguises it a bit... ahah.) But I've not really had anyone else to talk to about any of this, ever.. :P
Cheers muchly, if you've read this far! :o
