That inbetween stage - guidance please!

[Nero]

Well, guys and dolls,

It's been awhile since I started T (April I think, but didn't start a full dose till May or so). As some of you may know, I started off from a pretty feminine physicality. I find that I only pass to men from a distance. Close up, everyone 'knows' I'm 'female'. And women always know. I'm not entirely sure where this comes from as I have had top surgery, and no clear female body markers left. Fat distribution looks male, no hips or ass, etc. I do recognize that it may be age as I'm clearly to old to be a pubescent boy which is basically what I am physically. However, I am still constantly carded.

I'm not sure what to do. In a way I'm reluctant to get on with my newfound business career (just a few short years ago I was a loser, Midwestern junkie), because I really don't want to be known as female or transsexual. I'm reluctant to make any meaningful contacts or strides while I look like this.

I don't know what to do really. Yes, I do care about going semi-stealth. I've lost everything time and again, and I really don't want to embark upon any endeavor as a woman or even transsexual. All I want, all I have ever wanted was to be seen for who I am.
Yet, I have no idea how to do that while in passing limbo. 

Help.

[Ender]

Welcome to limbo-land, good sir.  (I spent enough time there myself, and still think I'm there sometimes.)

Hmm...  I guess you have a couple options job-wise:

1) hold off on the business career if you can get by financially (or would be OK with working a lower wage job for a while) until you are passing consistently--probably a year on T, give or take

2) go for a business job while still in limbo-land and hope for understanding employers/co-workers who won't give you too much guff; if they do, you can
   a) continue working there and put up with it
   b) ditch business job #1 when you start passing consistently and find a job somewhere else

I guess it really depends on your finances and your willingness to surround yourself with people while in the middle of transition.  I know that I've really pulled back from being social this past year.  It probably seems kinda selfish, but it's something I've needed to do for my sanity.

And hey, what did you decide on as a name?  I remember a while back you were trying to decide on something, with a name that started with N- or Joe being possibilities.

[Lachlann]

I feel for you Nero. I almost feel awkward continuing my career path, but T is coming soon at least.

I wish you the best. I wish I could help, and you've helped me many times before. Wish I could magically make things work for you.

[Dennis]

If it's any help, I've found that stealth is really a dream if you remain in the same town. Gossip gets around. Nobody has treated me like anything but a guy since transition and I know I didn't pass in the beginning, even though people were politely calling me "sir". But 5 years later it's like a fact that people remember, but don't really put a lot of emphasis on.

One of my clients' mothers, who I've never met before, turns out to know my gf and she was saying something about her son's lawyer, Dennis. My gf said "he's my partner and I know he does the best he can for his young clients". First thing the woman said was "Dennis, used to be Denise? How's that work out?" Barb said "fine, thanks" and that's the last we heard about it.

I was employed by someone else (who was a great employer) and then struck out on my own a year after transition, and I really don't know who knows. Nor do I care. I think that's the secret is not caring whether people know or not or what they think. Hell, they could know you from your past drug abuse, or your transition, or any other small-town stuff. You are who you are and you should be proud of what you've come through to get to be you.

Dennis

[deviousxen]

I never pass

I'm convinced I'm too effing inhuman and freakish and geeky to do so...

[myles]

I just started a new job and since my DL has male and I have changed my gender with SS and the license I just went in as male. Do I pass all the time , no way, but they have no other option but to think of me as a guy. Luckily I live in a large city where I do not know anyone I work with, and over 300 people work there.   If they call me she (because I have not met them yet) I simply correct them or say my name is Andrew and they correct themselves.
As far as going back into the business side of things I will most likely have to out myself because of the professional and volunteer work/experience I have. I have been on the Board of Directors of non profits and all were under my old name. I have done PSA type of things for a small non profit that are on thier website and used other places where I appear as female and use my old name. I think since I will rely on my past experience and accomplishments so much for the business world I will have to out myself. At this point I have only applied at those types of jobs where this would not be an issue. As it gets harder to find jobs I will have to either wait as Eryk suggested or expand my job area to cover  places not as friendly, or not known as friendly for sure.
Myles/Andrew

[Autumn]

Yeah there were so many things that I put off doing because I wanted to transition first... I still kick myself sometimes that I went some place as a guy, or that certain people in the town recognize me so well when everyone around them calls me ma'am. I don't know what to say, but I was feeling this pain just today so I relate to you sir.

[tekla]

The AA saying is 'you fake it till you make it'.

They just never tell you there is a time limit on the fake it, and sooner or later you make it, or not.

[Wendy1974]

This is just a guess since we've never met and I haven't even seen a picture of you but what is probably letting you down is body language. I pass most of the time but when I don't it's usually because I'm in a foul mood and I've slipped back into my 'don't f&%k with me' way of carrying myself which got me through most of the 34 years before I started to transition. The biggest part of human communication is actually through body language rather than verbally so changing that is incredibly important to passing.

[K8]

It should be obvious, but it took a long time for me to realize it: You don't throw a switch and start passing; it's a gradual processs.  I pass more than I did a month ago, when I passed more than I did a month before that.  I think you just keep pressing on, gradually getting more believable as you settle into your new role.

As Wendy said, body language is HUGE.  What has worked for me (sort of - I don't pass all the time) was at first watching GGs and adopting some of their mannerisms, and then gradually unlearning all the male mannerisms I had to learn to survive as a child.  (I can't tell you many times I was told not to walk like a girl. )

And I think for me (YMMV) it helped quite a bit for me to just not care that much.  Most people I see everyday knew me before, so I adopted a here-I-am-so-what? attitude that seems to work pretty well.

Good luck, hun.  Like most things, it gets better with experence.

- Kate

[Ms.Behavin]

Oh Yes....Faking it or rather not caring how everyone else sees you.  It's been 3 years for me and I figure I pass maybe 50 percent of the time.  For me the shoulders and lack of *&^&%$$ hips, out me, Plus my voice could be better....  and I live in the Bay area where it's harder to pass.   In truth pretty much everyone that knows me knows I'm trans.  But they still treat me as a woman which is all that matters.

So best I can say is just be you.   Hang in there Dude

Beni

[Miniar]

*hugs*

Study body language.

I know that one of the biggest things that gets in the way of my passing is all the "little" parts of bodylanguage. Facial expressions and such.
Little microgestures and microexpressions that we consciously don't register, can feed us a "lot" of information about the person we're talking to. That's how mind-reading works you know.

So...
Look up cis-blokes and cis-women online.. Interviews with Celebs is a good idea.. just youtube Jay Leno and you'll get a "lot" of info.
Study the subtle differences in facial expressions, hand gestures, and shoulder gestures, and see what you find.

Make use of that "in between" phase "physically" to master these things.
That way, as the T does it's job, you'll speed the passing along a bit.

Other than that...
Well, people have suggested the rest of what came to mind..

(and yes, I know I should do more of following my own advice actually. )