How identities are perceived- Drag

[Dan the man]

Ok, it's kinda confusing and frustrating in my head so i'm sorry if i loose you all in explanation as i will do my best to explain what i mean and try to sort it all out..

How people around me (the ones in my daily life that are immediate and the ones whose opinions i actually care about) are important to me, only second to my own personal opinion as to what i think of myself and how i perceive myself. If i want to look a certain way or dress a certain way, i will if it makes ME feel comfortable. Because at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters... you have to be able to be comfortable and need to be able to live with yourself at the end of the day..

However, it does bug me when people ASSUME things about me (often incorrect i might add) based on how THEY perceive me.   


For instance, I would identify myself as 'male', i havn't had T yet but i characteristically live and socially interact as a 'male' -crossdressing in mens clothes if you like, etc etc.. but one situation came up the other day that i hadn't experienced before. I was out at a bar having a few drinks with my mates at a drag show when the topics of drag, crossdressing, genderqueer and a few trans* issues came up. It was (assumed) that i was a drag king, based on how THEY perceived me in that i was 'presenting' a male IMAGE to the people around me in the way that looked and behaved but was still biologically female, not having been on T or had GRS. 

It really took me back unexpectedly I guess, I was really hurt by that statement as i tend to surround myself with fairly open minded people who have been very supporting and respectful in at least acknowledging my identity (not all are accepting of my identity, i respect that). 

..anyway, back to the story.. i know people define themselves and terms/things differently but it saddened me that i must have been perceived as a drag king as i tend to define a drag king as, fundamentally different to myself in that at the base of all drag, there is essentially the idea that it is, in some sense, 'performing' in an act on stage for an audience as some kind of form of entertainment, only for SHOW. It was a horrible feeling, i felt like a freak show, neither seen as male but feeling 'male' or being really far from identifying as 'female'. 

My identity is not a 'performance' for show or for the amusement of others.. it's essential to who i am.. it is a way of life. It's about being comfortable in your own skin and being able to live with yourself at the end of the day that really matters.. 

Sorry that was soo long  ..now that i've got all that off my flat chest, i guess i'm wondering if anyone else has felt the same way or possibly similar.. or completely the opposite? i do mean for this to be a meaningful thread with comments, observaions, opinions and discussion most welcome as this is also my first post! 

Dan the man

[Luna!]

I understand that. Like you said, your identity is who you are, not some kind of show for someone's amusement.

I think people tend to see things in terms of what they've already seen and know exists. When they identify something/someone, they unconsciously take the attributes that they can percieve and check it against their list of 'stuff I've seen before'. When they took the attributes that you have (genetically female, presenting a male image and behaviours) they came back with 'drag king'. It might be that they've never seen anyone (knowingly, anyway) with those attributes besides drag kings.

It's also possible that, being at a drag show, they were more likely to use drag show terms to describe things. Persistence of vision and all that.

The thing is, people tend to assume things about everything; it makes stuff easier. What we want to get to is the point where their assumptions match up with our own, which is hard sometimes. Have you tried explaining to your friends that you don't see yourself that way? It might help, especially if they're as openminded as you say.

Oh, and congrats on the first post!    Everyone will be along with their welcomes shortly, I presume...

[LordKAT]

greetings Dan,
I have never seen a drag show can't really say I want to either. The point is that I would have seen you differently because drag is not a part of my life that I see as real. I get seen as a few things, most are non complimentary. Oh well its my life not theirs.

Good luck with your friends.

Are you planning on getting on T in the near future?

[rejennyrated]

Welcome Dan

It's a sad fact of this life that we can't control the way others see us, much as we might like to.

I do understand totally what you mean about assumptions though. Sometimes it does suck when people choose to label you with their pre-built sterotype rather than bothering to ask and find out the facts.

Thankfully on this forum I think you will find that most people take people pretty much as they find them. So welcome to our online family.

[Zelane]

They might be suffering from Gold-itis. They think they "got it" but sadly they DONT!

[myles]

Dan sorry to hear that. I was asked once if I wanted to be a drag king I  basically said - can't remember the wording now-I am not interested in pretending to be a guy for a show I am a guy for real not pretend. Ok I said something better than that at the time, just wish I could remember it. I guess some people just don't get it sorry that happened to you. Welcome to Susans.
Myles Andrew

[tekla]

It's a sad fact of this life that we can't control the way others see us, much as we might like to so quit wasting your time and your life and your effort worrying about it.