Yes, I felt the overwhelming urge to draw a word out into the horrible butchering you've just witnessed as the 'topic' of this post. At least, I'm assuming you read the topic before you clicked on it and began reading this paragraph. I'm also assuming someone's actually reading this, and that's whom I'm addressing right now. Greetings, dear reader. Whoever you are, and wherever you might be right now.
I'm writing this pointless nonsense because, quite frankly, I'm nervous. I've seriously been considering therapy since the beginning of october, and with the arrival of my unemployment benefits, I can actually afford it. So, I went ahead and contacted someone. Filled out a form. Thismorning, I e-mailed it off. I already have an appointment. For tomorrow. I don't even know how I got to this point so fast. I don't know what to expect, and quite frankly, something in me is still terrified of being turned down.
Not to be angsty, but having lived with this constant feeling that I'm somehow broken, that there's something wrong with me or that I'm the punchline of some cruel joke; I've gotten used to disappointment. Gotten used to 'not being eligible', or there being extenuating circumstances of some sort... usually blamed on me in some indirect, trying-to-be-non-judgmental way... so I can't really get my hopes up. I honestly expect to be lead on, thinking that I'll get what I want (hormones, or at least a better sense of peace and acceptance for who and what I am so I can get on with my life already) believing that I'm actually going to get something that I feel I need, and then be left dry at the end. Either led on, somehow missing all the subtle hints that it wasn't going to work out; left with some sort of non-satisfying half-ending in which I obviously 'missed something' and that's why I'm not satisfied (wow, that's a repeat of every time I've ever tried to have sex...); or told that there's nothing that can be done. That there's nothing really wrong, or that I haven't tried hard enough to 'earn' this yet. Or worse yet, because it's a therapist, that I'll be told I have some host of other problems that're to blame, that I'm wrong in something I've been so sure in myself about. One of the first things I can honestly recall being dead certain of. (after all, isn't that what craziness is? not being able to trust your own perceptions?) That whatever other problems there are absolutely unquestionably must be dealt with first, and that it's going to take inane amounts of time and money to do it.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but I will. Because I want this so badly, that even if I don't get it, I still want the transient happiness and uplift that hoping for something will bring me. (See, you can be intelligent without being jaded beyond simple pleasures... sort of.) And if I believed in a god, I'd pray not to be let down again.
I feel like a little while longer might help me feel less uneasy, more prepared, but I accepted the appointment for tomorrow because I don't want to wait. I know that any longer, and I'd probably psych myself out... and regardless of all other things, I need this. I want a professional opinion, if nothing more than to get some experienced mind to help me sort this out. I'm just so afraid of being disappointed; coupled with having no idea of what to expect (my last therapist was a vapid waste of time), that all I can do is sit here and jitter about it. Hope I can sleep tonight. Hope I can still do something even the slightest bit useful with myself tomorrow. Hope I'm not terribly disappointed.
