Quote from: Rebekah with a K-A-H on January 10, 2011, 01:08:50 AM
IA, I have found your posts, in this thread and in others, to be by turns challenging, fascinating, and thought-provoking, and it's always been your calm, rational, and intellectual approach that I've had most respect for. There is one thing I don't quite understand about you, though. Or perhaps "about you" is the wrong terminology; perhaps "with regards to your decisions" might be more accurate. I accept the general sentiment that transition is not for everyone, and, though I suppose I can't understand that decision, in the same fashion that cissexuals can't really understand the phenomenon of transsexuality or what it "feels" like, I can intellectually grasp that it can be the right choice for some under some circumstances.
But I admit I'm a little baffled when it comes to the story of you and your friend who got SRS. What was it about transition that dissuaded you then, at a time in your life when, as you stated, you represented a "poster child" of the movement, young and passable? Perhaps it's my own myopia that prevents me from understanding more clearly, but whence the dissatisfaction?
I apologize if I sound probing, and if you don't feel comfortable answering, by all means don't. I simply want to get to know more about what makes my favorite intellectual on this board tick.
There is little I feel uncomfortable with even if it belittles me in the eyes of others. You ask me why did I quit transition? There are three primary reasons: 1) I felt deceitful, 2) I wanted to marry in my church, 3) I saw the pain of other TS. That is the short version. Here is the longer one.
The deceitful feelings came first. When I started transition it was plain to see I was transgendered. I'm tall, I have large hands, a big nose, and was not on estrogen long. I very much wished I could pass physically so I worked at it and let hormones do the rest. In time I began to be perceived by others as female. As soon as this occurred I moved to a new place, a place no one knew me thinking I could move one step closer to being accepted as female. It worked. Unfortunately it had unintended side effects. While I was accepted as female, I was also expected to have had the experiences of one. Frankly I didn't have the experiences of being a young girl, but to maintain stealth I pretended to or just avoided the conversations altogether. I didn't feel like I had anyone I could be real about my experiences with. Sure I had my TS friends and they were great, don't get me wrong - but they were not able to help, rather they were bewildered I would feel bad after having acheived so much. So day after day I lived my life, the life I'd always wanted and yet it felt hollow.
I started dating and was able to date a few guys - they knew about me, I told them ahead of time. One I met online, one was openly gay - I met him through a TS friend of mine. The first one lasted one date, I knew in spending time with him that he didn't want me as a girl, he wanted me as an object. The second one... that was tragic. I'd often go to his loft downtown where we'd spend a wonderful evening together - make dinner for one another and talk about each other's interests. I felt so attracted to him and emboldened by the fact that he knew my past but didn't seem to care. After a date, a wonderful date I had planned completely, we ate dinner and I asked him if our friendship could go any further. He told me frankly that he had tried to envision the two of us together, that he liked me very much, but ultimately he could only see me as a girl regardless of what lay beneath my clothes. He could not see me as anything but female, and he wasn't attracted to me physically even if he liked my personality.
I was devastated to say the least. I cursed myself, my horrid condition and him because I had fallen for him hard. We remained friends but a doubt began to grow that day I had never considered prior to transition. I would have extreme difficulty finding someone to marry - a man who was straight who would accept me. There was another consideration too. As I began to ponder on these things I realized that I still believed in my old religion and I wanted to be married there, and if not married, I at least wanted to raise my children in the same tradition as my beliefs. The more I considered the hopelessness of finding a suitable man, of finding one who would accept my religion, and finally of finding one who would allow me to raise children in such, the more depressed I became.
So yes, I had 'everything' but I lived in my life hopeless about my future and feeling hollow with the people in my present life. I started to come out to those with whom I was stealth. It felt awesome! I felt like finally people who I cared about and who cared about me, really knew me! I mean they still saw me as a girl, but as a girl with a different past and it was liberating. This had an unexpected consequence too. As I began to liberate myself more and more with people I trusted I asked myself, "Why didn't I do this as a male? Maybe people would have understood, maybe I could have been real with them too and not been living a hollow male life."
For some time since having been involved in the community (not the internet but present members of the TS community) I noticed an intolerable amount of suffering. So many had lost or given up all to pursue transition as it was, "the only way" to combat our GID. I was one of the lucky one's - no doubt about that, but for so many others I saw continual pain. They'd put on a brave face in the presence of new people, but when you got them alone, they came apart. I began to feel like I shouldn't be so fortunate to have transitioned so easily, I began to feel guilty a little too. I wished there were another way - not because I couldn't transition so much but because of how much pain and heartache it might save. I felt motivated enough by this, in addition to my other disappointments to give being a male a go again but to do it differently this time, not hide so much, not live a hollow life, but to liberate myself with others despite living as a male. This was additionally advantageous to me as I could make amends to my church as well - something that had previously been a great source of strength I felt I got far away from.
Well what I considered to be an experiment has turned into a lifestyle and I've learned a lot since then. I have since broken ties with my church - our relationship has run its course, but I have benefited tremendously from the time I was there. I wouldn't be who I am today without it.
I have yet to find the 'secret' to a successful life without transition but I am fortunate enough so as to not feel the terrible pain and anxiety associated with living as a male. I wish the same for others who also do not wish to transition or haven't the means to do so successfully. It is my goal and ambition to find another path so as more of us come of age there will be considerable information so we can make honest decisions for ourselves about what is the right choice for us.
I feel it must be said because I have been accused of this many times. I would never deny the choice of others to transition - in fact for some it is the best option. I just don't want it to be the "only" option - more research should go into alternative methods of treatment, and no I'm not talking about reparative or any other religious based therapy - I have never believed in those - ever. We must accept who we are, what conditions we face, and take steps to live healthy productive lives - not lives of deceit. I feel reparative therapy only allows one the opportunity to deceive oneself and we as humans are perfectly capable of doing that on our own without any outside help.
I hope I've answered your questions, and I appreciate the compliments. It is good to know I am being read by others and am making a positive impact.
