A couple of hours ago I was writing a post here, but it was very different. I was bitching about a small, minor incident. But this small, minor incident holds 10+ years of frustration and insanity balled up in it. And I kept having to pour more details into this insignificant moment to try to explain why it was so, utterly, frustrating.
And I gave up. Because how whiny is it to be almost 24 and complaining about tiny things your parents do. How stupid and childish does it look?
But it wasn't stupid and childish - my mother is quite mentally unbalanced, and has been for a long time. My father has been with her for 30 years, and it appears to me, that most of them (at least the past 24 probably) have been quite miserable. The past 3 months, she has almost ruined us financially and physically as her craziness has manifest in very abusive language and the belief that imaginary bugs are attacking her. She made us use various chemicals and poisons on the house and ourselves to get rid of them - she eventually progressed into bathing in bleach and even a banned chemical. She refuses to consider that the 'bugs' are a side effect of the deep bone infection her ankle implants have given her for the past year, and instead believes they're microscopic parasitic bacterial scabies that came from Iran.
It's been hell. Literally - she washed the whole house with sulfur last week.
The tiny incident tonight happened after I listened to them fight for over two hours. She says horrible, selfish things, and never considers that she could have any wrong. She tells him, a scientist, that he can either have "faith in [her]" (mad, hoccus poccus solutions to stop the bugs) or want to experiment to find other solutions, but if he doesn't have faith in her then he's throwing away 30 years and he doesn't care about her and he hates her blah blah blah. Growing up, she always told me in an argument that I "would rather be right than be loved." Little did I know that I would literally have to choose between being right and not having a relationship with her, or letting her walk all over and destroy my life but have her love.
I also noticed how I have two friends who are in the same exact situation as my parents - except it's only been 2 years of supporting someone who is crazy and suicidal because the responsible, stable man is afraid she'll die without him, instead of 30.
So I contacted that friend and told him that. The similarities. What is going on. I talked about what he's told me over the years and what I think of him and he thanked me with very sincere words for what I said to him and that he was humbled by my message and that he truly cherished our friendship.
And since I have lost my voice completely from this cold from hell, I wrote dad a letter. I covered many things - how unfair it is that he has this burden in his life, how it's not right what she says, and that I hear what she says, and that I genuinely appreciate that he doesn't have to do anything he does, but he does it anyway. I slipped my transition in several times and concluded with a very strong paragraph about how I don't want to end up like mom and that I'm thankful he's supporting me as much as he is (which, regarding transition, has been entirely neutral so far.)
And afterward we spoke, as little as I can with my whisper. He's said for months that he doesn't know what to do about mom. But it was always a frustrated, sometimes a little angry voice. His tone of voice tonight and his face were pretty soft, almost blank, and sort of defeated.
To him, I have not made changes in my life for a long time and am stagnating. To me, obviously, I have decided in the last 10 months to go on hormones and pursue real transition, after several years of agony... so I've been quite busy. I told him that I pushed myself into transition, to change something, because ignoring the problem was not fixing it, only making it worse. I told him the mom problem has been ignored for a long time, and something has to be done. Everyone says she needs help.
I am not sure how we got to the words exactly, but he told me that I may be right, and that counseling may be a solution, or at least a start. And I told him about my wonderful therapist for GID, who also does regular therapy as well as couple therapy. I told him that I don't go to see her because "oh wah I'm depressed", I see her to deal with real, tangible issues such as what I will face in transition and for understanding what I have to do. And that it would be great for my therapist to see their situation to understand where I've come from.
After some exchange about her rates and lengths, he told me that he would rather go with me first, than go with mom. I said that I am going to be going basically as soon as I get over this illness and I would love to take him with me.
My father offered to see my therapist with me.
My father
going to see
my
gender
therapist
And I didn't ask him to come with me. Or even suggest it. Or ever even consider it. He has done no independent research. He didn't know what transsexual was til I came out to him, but he'd heard of trans in relation to gay and lesbian.
This, of course, doesn't mean anything concrete at the moment. But it's a foot in the door. To get him to see and understand where I'm coming from. To possibly get both my parents into that position AND to possibly move forward with regard to mom's problems. Even if it might mean bad things have to happen with regards to her, *SOMETHING* has to be done.
I feel like I really did something today. And I did it without even having a voice.
This is what happens when you actually take an active role in your life instead of crying on the internet. I have been finding, that since starting HRT, I have a direct drive to influence my own life. My goal in life, now, is to have as much control over mine as possible.
Here's hoping for the next week or two.
