A very emotional journey

[Alexie]

If I was in any doubt as to my situation, my gender identity and my brain sex, there is absolutely unequivocally none now.

Since joining this wonderful forum, I have been doing a lot of research. And I mean a lot. To say I've been digging deep with the soul searching would be an understatement. It is now very clear to me that I have a VERY female brain. Something I've sort of known all my life but after reading an excellent and informed article on TransGenderCare.com I am in no doubt at all. I hope I'm able to give everybody the link, as this website was found from this very forum anyway. It's a page dedicated to what is gender and who is transgendered, (http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/what_is_gender.htm). As I read through it carefully , and particularly when I got to the "brain gender" and brain sex" parts I started crying. There it was, written in black and white: everything that I have been questioning about my sexuality and identity, all the doubts I've had all my life, and particularly the masquerade and subdefuge to try and convince myself and others I'm male, is very typical of what a transsexual.

I'm a very private person and all my life I have felt guilty and ashamed of some of the things I've done to express my feminine side. I really felt I was alone and could never ever tell anyone because I would be labelled a freak. I cried when I read an almost word for word description of my behavior and emotions. I am shaking and sobbing now, because my brain is finally accepting who and what I am. In particular the part about the female brain and its attitude to sex. That is me to a tee! I could never even begin to think of having sex with anyone unless I emotionally connected with them and the mood was right. I could NEVER relate to the sexual 'prowess' stories my other male friends would tell. I knew I could never do that. Also a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder as to my sexual orientation. According to this report, the normal male will be interested in one sex, either female or male. That's why it would be fair to say gay guys are very male but are sexually attracted to the same sex. Women on the other hand are less rigid: they can form close bonds with other men as well as other women. These can also be of a sexual nature, but doesn't make them gay, it just means the emotional side of sexuality is paramount. What a relief it is to know my very confused sexual orientation (which I might add, I've never acted out on, just quietly fantasized) is typical of female brain behavior.

I'm non the wiser as to what course of action I should take, but at least I do now know I am transsexual and after all the reading about childhood issues, I am very transsexual (if there is such a thing) and will never be at ease with myself until I at least look at the options. I am still very emotional, but I suppose it's a bit like the dentist hitting the nerve... this really hits it for me.

Love Alexie

[Janet_Girl]

Alexie,

First and foremost, get a gender therapist.  From there doors will open up to you.  And of course you are here.

The interwebz has tons of information.  And of course you have discovered, you are not alone and that your feelings are real.



Blessed Be
Hugs and Love
Janet

[lauren3332]

I am glad you are happy about yourself, but internet pages do not confirm anything really.  Yes, there there are some men and women that do fit the description provided by the author but I doubt that this is standard. 

I disagree with it saying that the transgendered create their own likes and dislikes as their false gender.  Even as TG individuals we found something that we liked doing.  I am not trying to minimize your pain or anguish because I feel it as well probaly to a lesser extent.  Watch out for sites though.  We can all find something out there that describes us.  It describes me a bit too.  If this page is correct, then why did it take me double the time it states to feel the feelings I do?  I know you cannot answer that.  All I am saying is don't take to heart everything you read.  I wish you luck with your transition. 

Hugs!!

[Alexie]

I am glad you are happy about yourself, but internet pages do not confirm anything really.  Yes, there there are some men and women that do fit the description provided by the author but I doubt that this is standard. 

I disagree with it saying that the transgendered create their own likes and dislikes as their false gender.  Even as TG individuals we found something that we liked doing.  I am not trying to minimize your pain or anguish because I feel it as well probaly to a lesser extent.  Watch out for sites though.  We can all find something out there that describes us.  It describes me a bit too.  If this page is correct, then why did it take me double the time it states to feel the feelings I do?  I know you cannot answer that.  All I am saying is don't take to heart everything you read.  I wish you luck with your transition. 

Hugs!!

Yes, indeed you are right, however I suppose it's just my logical brain's way of telling me these feelings aren't imagined. In all the posts I have read, the one thing I've learned is I'm not alone and in reading articles like this, it makes me feel I fit in somewhere. I've always felt like an alien and now at least I feel I belong.

As you may or may not have gleaned from my post, this all confirms the fact I do need to see a therapist. At least that is one very positive outcome from the article.

Thank you for your comments though, there is a lot of wisdom in what you say.

Alexie
Post Merge: December 01, 2009, 08:36:18 PM

Alexie,

First and foremost, get a gender therapist.  From there doors will open up to you.  And of course you are here.

The interwebz has tons of information.  And of course you have discovered, you are not alone and that your feelings are real.



Blessed Be
Hugs and Love
Janet

Thank you and bless you Janet... you are indeed right.

Love, Alexie

[lauren3332]

I don't know what it feels like to necessarily be an alien because I used to be just find in my gender but ever since my late teens I have been moving further and further away from knowing who I am and now know what it feels like to be different.  I thought I was and still do think I am somewhat retarded for having completely male behavior but somehow have this halfway powerful conviction that I desire to live as a woman.  My retardedness and my "madness" has extended from the TG specturm to other areas in my life and I don't know why exactly.  I wish I could help people more in this forum and overall in general.  I hope your transition goes well. 

[Hannah]

Hey Alexie, I can relate to your experience with Dr. Bushong's papers. I also feel like he was writing about my personal experience and describing my life. I just wanted to mention something that people overlook sometimes when they start tossing the "see a gender therapist" thing around...is the value of regular old counseling.

As human beings we are going to have varying experiences and degrees of trauma and I've personally made a lot more progress with my regular therapist. I clicked with her and am slowly starting to truly trust her. Sure a specialist is always preferred and we need their okay for gatekeeping purposes...but if that's not something you can find right away your standard, run of the mill psychologists have a lot to offer too. 

[Alexie]

Hey Alexie, I can relate to your experience with Dr. Bushong's papers. I also feel like he was writing about my personal experience and describing my life. I just wanted to mention something that people overlook sometimes when they start tossing the "see a gender therapist" thing around...is the value of regular old counseling.

As human beings we are going to have varying experiences and degrees of trauma and I've personally made a lot more progress with my regular therapist. I clicked with her and am slowly starting to truly trust her. Sure a specialist is always preferred and we need their okay for gatekeeping purposes...but if that's not something you can find right away your standard, run of the mill psychologists have a lot to offer too.

You sound like a truly wonderful person Becca. I feel I'm making a lot of friends and it's wonderful 

[lauren3332]

We are always here to boost each other up.  This kind of stuff is hard.  Love is the only remedy for this kind of thing. 

[Kendall]

Thank you Alexie for sharing your journey - and the link to the Transgendercare.com article. I had seen it before, but read it with more focus because of your comments. I do not know its Scientific validity, but as you said, it fits much of my experience. The male persona I have recently been feeling trapped by while hiding in and not being moved to interact sexually with any person I do not like a lot are familiar. I hope your tears are as healing for you as mine have been for me.

Also thanks to the other readers' comments. So much insight and compassion.

One comment on therapists: the most important thing is the relationship - do you feel heard respected and safe? Without that all the knowledge in the world is wasted.

[rejennyrated]

Hi Alexie

I think what you will find is that this Transsexuality thing is a funny old world (funny as in peculiar not haha).

Ultimately we all share the same feelings about ourselves but our routes to that point, and indeed our actions stemming from it, can be very different, and none of them is wrong. The important thing is to find out what fits you.

For example as you will know if you've read my other posts, I was a very early transitioner and never had any doubts or confusions. I'm also technically intersexed. Others start much later, some have endless doubts, some de-transition.

None of these things makes anyone any more or any less genuine.

We are all real, all our feeling are valid.

The ONLY thing which matters is what helps YOU.

My opinion, the opinion of any doctors you see, the opinion of anyone else on this board can only be based on our own experience. But always remember you are an individual and unique. So have courage in your convictions and by all means listen but don't let any of us push you into one particular approach or another.

Do it your way and you will be happy. Repeat someone elses path and the result may not be so good.

[lilacwoman]

Hi Alexie
Just the fact you burst into tears on 'finding yourelf' on Transgendercare shows you're not the guy everyone thinks you are...guys don't really burst into tears.
Now go look for a therapist to decide what to do next.

[Alexie]

The one thing I'm starting to learn, now I'm talking and have at least outed myself to this forum, is to explore and take it slowly. The first "ton of bricks" type reaction is probably normal. What I mean by that is the sort of dramatic panic that tomorrow I am suddenly going to have to go out in public 'en femme'. I'd love to mind, but my male persona is so convincing (well to most anyway) that the shock would be just too much. Most people would probably think I have just gone nuts and write me off as a looney!

No, instead what I have decided to do is gently and subtly start to release and express my feminine side. For the past two years I have been getting my legs and back and well... yes, everything else  waxed. This was even before I was confronted my my gender issues of late. Now I've decided to shave my chest and arms and it feels absolutely glorious!! I am freed from the shackles of masculinity! I can show off my slender but slightly muscular legs and to my delight my arms look feminine. The exciting thing is, I now have no problem wearing shorts and a tank top and be seen in public. It feels wonderful, not sexual but right.

Only yesterday I went into the women's section of Target and selected out a nice pair of shorts. I hate the mens shorts, they're all too long and shapeless! What I was rapped with was I was able to go into the (albeit men's) change rooms and try them on. It felt so liberating.

I had a facial the other day and that inspired me to tone cleanse and moisturize. I purchased some of the skin products from the beautician that did the facial and among those products was hyaluronic acid and some eye cream. I am starting to see some results. I have also started to give myself a manicure and giving my nails a coat of clear polish.

The other thing I've been doing is wearing feminine underwear under my drab male clothes. I also openly bought these at Target... what a wonderful place 

I know to the open and committed this may all sound a bit weak and woossey (no idea how to spell that!) but it gives me some satisfaction at being female without outwardly showing it. I am enjoying the liberation and sort of enjoying the risk that observant people will see the smooth skin or polished nails  . You never know, I might slowly get braver and braver.

Yes, I will consult professional help, but I realise I can't expect them to have all the answers, so in the meantime, I am trying to sort my head out. The best thing I can do now is NOT think of the ramifications of transitioning and outing myself because in the delicate emotional state I find myself in now, it would be seriously counterproductive. In fact what worried me most was while I was agonizing over that I was starting to get back those old thoughts of... suicide! It shocked me into backing off and taking the slow and gentle approach. After all, it's taken me most of my life to realise all this so what difference does a couple more years make.

Bless you all, you have been so much help.
I feel this strong, very strong sense of pride that I've been accepted into the sisterhood. I have and always have had, a very strong admiration for what you have done.

I love you all, Alexie.