Hi Folks,
I was in my favorite cafè in Berlin yesterday. A lesbian café visit by Butches and Femmes but also by transsexual dykes like me.
Renate and I had met us here with the first time. I still remember so exactly as if it were yesterday and not over three years ago.
I had placed a newspaper advertisement because I had left Jutta some months before. Cause Jutta started suddenly to critizize all this what she had found so lovable at me. When I saw Renate at the first time, my heart stopped. A great, dark-haired Butch. Exactly the kind of woman with whom I always fell in love.
We talked and I noticed at once that we understand us well.
I said at our second meeting, that I was was former transsexual. She looked at me as if I would take the piss out of her. She then had understood it! I said "no problem2 to me, and a stone felt from my heart. She suddenly then looked at all possible in my behavior as "male". I go away from her. But I couldn't forget her, so as she couldn't aforget me! She called me in the middle of the night and we spoke with each other more than 4 hours. She told me that she would love me. I believe her, cause I want to believe her.
But: The same was happen!
So I seperated with her again. I wanted to use my knowledge as a witch at this time so that I could forgot her forever. The ritual worked first, but then she called me once more when I was in the light sleep. You must know that this one is very dangerous time if somebody works magically. To make a long story briefly: We came together again and I parted again because of the same problem of her. I tried another ritual which isn't harmles (it lasts for 7 days and cost many emotional and physical power). I understood that Renate is my destiny and I stopped the ritual.
We are together more than three years now without the once having exchanged tendernesses (not even cuddle ).
Both of us have our limits about which we cannot go!
Renate doesn't claim a Femme (best heterosexual) and I to be hurt again.
I wonder whether many women fare with a transsexual past so; that they have a hard time to find a lesbian lover as a dyke?
Why don't many dykes see the woman in us? Why they don't want to see our soul?
Why can they not see our beauty, our strength and our personality, as we see all at them? Why this disapproval?
Renate and I have found a way with each other could live, which often costs me much strength because I am so often missing her proximity. But I love her so much that I couldn't leave her!
What is it like with you?
As easy or heavy, it is for you to have a relationship?
Witch of Sadness
