Hi I am Jennifer. I am a 30 year old male that is slowing coming out that I have been in the wrong gender for all of my life. This has been an going battle within myself and those around since I remember. Actually i am kind of nervous/frightening about coming out, so here is my story...
I remember back in my childhood/teenager days that I really didn't hang out or have many guy friends growing up. I actually hung and played with girls quite a bit. I felt more comfortable being around them for some reason, and of course being a kid I thought this was normal. I remember playing with my friends during the summer and on the weekends make believe games such as house, dress up, and such and those were great times. Although my mom seriously didn't approve of this, she tried and succeeded in frightening me that it was wrong to those games because I was a boy, but of course at the time in life, we all believe our parents to be the ultimate authority, the bearers of truth, and that we never question them. So pretty much that was end of my first experience of feeling like something is not right about me. As much as i didn't want to get in trouble, those feelings came back later on.
When I was around 12, i noticed certain changes about my body, like i had more leg hair which i did not like and did what i thought was normal. I shaved my legs. The only mistake i made because I did not know any better was dry shaving. Even through that fiasco I felt so much better. I sort of knew at that point something was wrong with, because later on that year I first wore women's clothes. I don't know why but I first started wearing my older sister's skirt, and blouse (she had already graduated high school and was out of state). It felt so natural to be dressed like that, but in the back of mind that picture of mom popped in my head from so I kept it secret. I would only do it when no one was around. Unfortunately I got caught by older sister during the Summer as she came home earlier than expected. Take about holy hell. I had never been called so many names in life by my mom. It was so bad that she my called my dad who lived out of state who came the next to week to talk to me. He wasn't mad but concerned. He asked why, and I told him I don't know it felt right. He explained to me that I shouldn't do those things because men are not suppose to do that and its not right its morally wrong. I actually gotten so depressed hearing those things from both parents that I tried to attempt suicide. They tried to check me in, but was refused as I wasn't a danger to myself, but suggested counseling. What was weird that the shrink did ask why I dressed up and I remember telling because it felt right. I went back a couple times looked at ink blots, did some puzzles, and was put on Prozac because he said my intelligence was above normal and I feel left out, hence that is why I am feeling depressed and attempted to commit suicide. So I went for the next few years without incident. He and my family thought it was a faze, and so did I.
I got out of high school, and really didn't know what to do with my life. So I did what I thought was best. I decided my life needed adventure, so to get out of place I was at, I joined the Navy. After all, it was what men did. My mom was happy, dad was proud. The cool thing about the Navy was I was stationed in Hawaii
Bad thing, I was onboard a submarine, so out to sea 8 months out of the year. First year and half no problem, no thoughts about dressing up in women clothes no thoughts about being in the wrong body. Then at sea on tour, it entered my mind again thinking I am not right something is wrong with my body. I don't know but the thoughts flooded my mind, how I am not a guy inside and the outside is not matching up. So I kept my thoughts to myself as I really couldn't afford to get booted out, but during my free time i started to research these feelings. The more I tried to hide the feelings they kept coming to the surface, so I compromised. I started to shave my body again, I couldn't paint my finger nails, but I could very well paint toe nails in port, at sea the polish came off, and I would be a dude again. In port, as long as I wasn't on base and not with anyone I knew from base it was cool to wear what I wanted. Try I must I actually tried to grow my hair out, nope got it to long, and was made to go cut it. Only two people new about this that I trusted this too and they never told, but anyone else no way. But one of them finally got caught being opened about being gay and was booted out. I had to stop with what I was doing so I suppressed my feelings again and went guy mode again.
I met my ex wife, during the last year of my tour in Hawaii. I thought I was happy. But something kept away at me that something was still wrong, and after we got married and I was out of the Navy, the feelings came back. This time I was determined and kept it incognito. I started to order panties and such and some skirts and blouses that I would keep stashed in my suitcase. This was working out for about two years, until she was looking for something when I was at work and went into the suit case. I got busted, and she totally freaked out. She asked me if I was gay and I was like no I am not gay, I just feel relaxed wearing women's clothes. I tried to explain to her that I don't get my jollies off, for some reason it feels right, and I feel normal. She was so upset, that she called my parents. My dad told her that this happened before when I was 12 and thought it was a faze. So my dad called later that day and ripped me a new one on the phone. So in the name of saving my marriage, I got rid of everything, and life went on for another 3 years before we moved the PNW. The logic behind move was leave everything behind and start over fresh. Of course she had a job as she was able to transfer with her company. I on the other hand did not, so I worked at Sears. This where the feelings came back and where we ultimately divorced as she did not want to deal with it. I actually was in a slump where I got depressed, didn't want to work so I quit Sears. Literally, I walked in hating the world and told boss to go (insert choice of words),and walked out. It may seem like it was a bad move, but with all the things that happened, this move eventually landed me a job that pays better, and allows me the time to finish up my degree.
For the past year now, I started to explore my feelings again. I must say it has had it ups and down. I am aiming to start seeing a therapist next year in the beginning of the year. No money due to school, but that is my goal and take it one step at a time day after day.
I truly apologize for the miniature novel, but thanks for letting me share. It was a huge relief and I feel a nice calm after it
Hugs,
Jennifer
