Weird situation... push back surgery so my mom can be with me?

[june bug]

Okay... so one of the most unexpected thing that has come from my transition lately is how supportive my mom has been in regards to coming to help me out during / after surgery.

It all started with the FemLar procedure I have coming up.  I wasn't really sure if she was going to come visit or not, but she's end up going above and beyond to be with me for about two and a half weeks, and plans on helping me get around and keep my home business running, etc.

So, for Vaginoplasty I was originally going to Dr. Suporn in Thailand, but ultimately decided to go with Dr. Brassard in Montreal and am planning on getting Vaginoplasty / BA at the same time, hopefully in June (still waiting to get a letter to schedule a date... will know by the end of January).

Well, she originally said "Absolutely not" in regards to going to Thailand because my Dad is paranoid about traveling over-seas (thanks a bunch fear mongering mass media).  And even though she said she felt that way because she didn't want to stress out my dad, I thought maybe it was because she didn't want to support me.

WELL, now that I'm going to Montreal instead, it turns out she's interested in coming to help me out again.  The thing is, she's not free until September.

... and I already have FFS scheduled in November with Dr. O... and I'm not quite sure what Dr. Brassard has to say about getting FFS so soon after Vag/BA, though I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be a big deal.

Ultimately though, it's like... I don't think I'm going to be totally fine and comfortable with myself until both FFS and Vag/BA are taken care of... so to me this year is kind of a dead year regardless of when I get the surgeries... because regardless I'm not going to be really fully functional / presentable till the middle of next year anyways.

So... I'm all kinda perplexed on what I want to do with schedule the Vag/BA, because it's just so amazing to know my Mother wants to be here to support me, and I could definitely use someone around to help me out since I don't have any close friends I feel comfortable having around while I heal.

I guess I'm leaning towards waiting till September... but I'm still a little sad I won't be doing it earlier... but then again I can't really imagine how I'd get by on my own... not to mention I really do love my mom to death, and every step I can take to get her to see me as a woman is a step I'm willing to take.

I mean, she's told me she won't refer to me as a guy or by my old name while she is up here, but she still does over the phone or when she's talking to my dad (my dad is a whole other story).  She still cries when we really get into talking about the fact she needs to start respecting my gender / new name, but she's trying.

Apparently when she's talked to my brother and sister who both use my correct gender / name, she's "slipped" into saying the correct things, but then apparently "corrects" herself and uses the old pronouns / name.

The irony of her coming up for my FemLar is that I was hoping to take this time together to talk to her about my transition, but of course I can't talk for 95% of the time she'll be up here! 

Anyhow.

I dunno... just looking for other's perspective on this matter.

And to answer the question that might be in people's minds... NO, she's not doing this to make me drag out the change.  She's a busy woman, retired and flying around the country supporting me and my siblings how she can, so she'll be with my sister all summer helping with her grandchildren.   It's honestly just a scheduling conflict.

I think I'm going to wait till September... it'll help me focus on saving money for both of my final surgeries, which will be nice, and I've waited this long... no harm waiting a few more months.

Anyhow... much love to you all.

[MeghanAndrews]

Hi Devi,
I would highly, highly recommend having your Mom there if you two are developing a strong bond. Mine was with me for a week before and after FFS and it was an amazing time for both of us. I'd do it personally, you two will probably cherish that moment forever. Meghan

[june bug]

Hi Devi,
I would highly, highly recommend having your Mom there if you two are developing a strong bond. Mine was with me for a week before and after FFS and it was an amazing time for both of us. I'd do it personally, you two will probably cherish that moment forever. Meghan

Thanks Meghan!

Yeah... the more I think about it the more I realize I'm kinda in shock more than anything... I mean... I seriously never would have dreamed 13 years ago when she was totally ignoring what I was going through (long story) that I'd be at a place where she was willing to be by my side while I'm going through all of this.

I think I'm going to go have a good cry now. 

Happy cry though... happy cry...

[MMarieN]

Devi, I can only speak for my experiences. My parents could not go with me. They are both in their 80s and they are not in the best of health. But they are ultra supportive. So I'm very fortunate.

When I went to Philly for GRS, I flew out there alone. A friend picked me up at the airport and drove me everywhere that I needed to go. Another friend stayed with me the night before surgery. She drove me to the hospital the next morning. Both of them were there when I got out of surgery. Their help was invaluable and I will always be thankful to them for their support. For the next few days, they popped in to visit often.

My niece flew out for the last night that I was in the hospital. The friend that picked me up at the airport drove us from the hospital to the hotel the next day. My niece stayed with me for the rest of the stay. Honestly, I could not have functioned without her help. GRS is major surgery. Don't underestimate it.

Personally, if you have the support of family, I encourage you to take it. I understand that the Montreal experience is different than the Philly experience that I had with Dr. McGinn. Dr. Brassard's clinic and recovery house are next door to each other. But you will still need the support of another person.

[june bug]

Wow!  Sounds like you had quite the support team...

... and yeah, I think I _am_ underestimating the recovery, especially in lieu of getting BA at the same time.

Definitely going to see about scheduling it for September.

[rejennyrated]

When I had my SRS back in th 80's I actually deliberately moved mine forwards so that my mum and most of my relatives were out of the country on holiday.

My reasoning at the time was:

a.) this was something intensly personal which I had to do and get through for myself without my mum taking it upon herself to try and organise it for me. She was one of lifes natural crisis managers.
b.) I didn't want her to be around or even aware that I was under the anaestheic so that she wouldn't worry. My mum had already been so helpful and sympathetic, but she did worry, so i just wanted one day her to wake up and find a fait accompli.
c.) I had reached a point where I simply wasn't going to wait any longer for anyone. I wanted rid of the disgusting mutilation.

I guess it depends on how you feel. Personally I'm genuinely happier facing these big moments in life on my own and I usually want to get it over with as soon as practically possible. I hate the waiting, once I've decided to do something, it needs to happen as soon as practical. So putting something like that back would, for me, drive me absolutely nuts. Even from the perspective of 25 years on I couldn't do it even if I wanted to.

But each of us must deal with these things in our own way. So good luck whatever you decide.

Oh and just to balance up the views - I was fine on my own. My surgeon even drove me personally to the recovery home in his car.

The only thing which was a little tricky was the journey home because you will be very tired and rather sore, so using public transport is not ideal and driving yourself is out of the question.

[spacial]

Just a thought.

Your mom is supporting you now.

You are not keen waiting for your surgery.

Can you go sooner, without your mom, knowing that she supports you, but is unable to be there?

This is really intended as a different perspective. The decision is yours, of course.

Wishing you luck, (and secretly wishing to be in your shoes). 

[Ms.Behavin]

If you do get BA with GRS, you WILL need somebody there for the first week at the very least.  Lordy, I could not have done it alone at all.  As your Mom sounds very supportive, I would wait/ plan on having her there for you.  Nothing but good will come from it.

Beni8

[june bug]

If you do get BA with GRS, you WILL need somebody there for the first week at the very least.  Lordy, I could not have done it alone at all.  As your Mom sounds very supportive, I would wait/ plan on having her there for you.  Nothing but good will come from it.

Beni8

Thanks.  Yeah... it's definitely on for September w/ my mother in tow as long as McGinn has time available and the phone consult goes well. 

[Cowboi]

Thanks.  Yeah... it's definitely on for September w/ my mother in tow as long as McGinn has time available and the phone consult goes well. 

I'm really glad that you came to this decision, it sounded from your original post as if you already KNEW what you felt was right to do but you just needed some perspective. When I first read your post all I really thought to myself was that sometimes it is worth putting our desires and needs on hold (for a short and reasonable time period of course) to allow someone who we love to feel that we NEED them. Waiting for her will make her feel that you want her there and that you need her still... and for a mother that is a huge thing.

Knowing that her children need her to be there is wonderful, but knowing that they want her to be there is even better. One of the few things I feel that we as children can give to our parents is to allow them to feel that we want them there for the important things. And this is a very important thing

[june bug]

One of the few things I feel that we as children can give to our parents is to allow them to feel that we want them there for the important things. And this is a very important thing

Totally.  With my mother especially, we had a bit of a falling out (mainly on my part) after high school), and it's only been as I've been open and she's continued to be here that I see she's always cared for me and wanted to help, even if she didn't always understand or agree.

I am definitely vibing on how much she is looking forward to being able to care for me.  She was always big on family, so it's interesting that it's turned out the way it has.

I've already talked to her about setting the date for September... now it's just a matter of speaking with McGinn's office tomorrow and setting things up.

So very excited!

[Cowboi]

Aw, your mom sounds like my mom! Very similar situation, big falling out and now we are finally on the right track again.

It is weird as you get older and realize exactly how much your parents really did understand or know, especially since when we are young we all like to think that we are so secretive and they have no idea about what is going on in our lives. It's like a sick universal joke or something, our parents understand but can't seem to show us they do in a way that we (as teenagers/children/young adults) can understand, so we assume that they have no clue or don't care enough.