I am so scared it hurts

[mary83054]

 
    Right now I am so scared that it hurts.  I am 52 and 6'4 and a little over 215 pounds, I am married to an ordained pastor and work in a field that I cannot stay in and be the person I am.  I have struggled with this since really discovering why I have felt so different several years ago.  Recently I realised that I cannot stay like I am and I have to do something about it.  So after some deep soul searching I decided that at least I needed to return to the U.S. where I could get some steady counseling and I needed to share this issue with someone else-other than my wife who has known and has been trying to be supportive all along.  So we did I "came out to two very dear friends both GG's and they have been fantastic--although they still only know me in my male role as it is to dangerous physically to do  much about things here.  I advised our supervisors that we will not renew our contract after this one is up next summer.   And right now I am barely holding myself together as I start to realize what I  have done.  We do not have any jobs to go back to  __of course my wife might be able to find a position as a pastor but the Churches are not really accepting of TG's at least not our denomination although there are few exceptions to the rule.  But I am worrying about making the right decision or not it's like sometimes I know it is right but then I begin to doubt and then I worry about the effects on our carears, and  on our marriage and everything else--because I doubt seriously if any of our family will be accepting, I grew up in a pretty homophobic enviroment and not very understanding at all.  So these days for me are filled with fear and I really am not sure what to do or if it ever will get better.  And of course always the question is it worth it at my age or do I just live with the pain as I have for all these years.

Mary

[cindianna_jones]

Mary, your life will be turned upside down if you come out to everyone.  Try to get as much time in your preferred role as possible before you make any decisions.  Please quit telling people until you get this opportunity.  It would also be wise to find a counselor you trust to help you through this. You know better than anyone here what may happen within your church organization.  Churches vary widely in how they deal with transgender issues.

There are some very helpful people here.  There's always a shoulder to cry on.  And free advice runs rampant.  Take care doll.

Cindi