Hi Jesslee,
I think maybe you're mixing me up with someone else, because you mention me having a child (we don't), and also seem to be under the impression that I haven't yet told my wife about this (I did, very early on in our relationship).
You mention people de-transitioning and feeling GID return after going back "on" testosterone. I think this is interesting, because as far as I know testosterone is the sex hormone, it's what provides the drive for a healthy male. I think if you have low testosterone then you pretty much have a lower sex drive. I believe I remember reading that even women who receive testosterone therapy (in doses appropriate for females) experience an increased sex drive. So, to me this is interesting because it brings up the possibility of the GID being driven, or at least triggered, by sex drive, i.e. testosterone. I'm not making any conclusions here, I'm just brainstorming, but if this was true then maybe one of the reasons MtF transsexuals "feel better" after transitioning is because they have removed the source of testosterone (the testes) and thus have removed the source of the sex drive that triggered these feelings of dysphoria previously.
You know, I think we should be able to talk about these sorts of things without feeling like we have to walk on eggshells, or that we might be saying the wrong thing that might tend to make someone feel "invalidated". That's not what I'm trying to do at all. In fact, I'm very open to the fact that I may go either way here - I may find out that I am a bona fide transsexual, who will feel happier once I've confronted all my little issues and just do the transition. Or I may find out that my GID is more driven by sex fantasies, and that transitioning would ultimately make me very unhappy since it takes away the source - i.e. my male sex drive.
On this subject, I think it's a bit more than a simple sex fantasy thing for me. I remember when I was a very small child, probably under the age of 6, being fascinated with my older sister's white boots and wanting to put them on. I remember sitting in my room chanting to myself "I am a boy, I am a boy, I am a boy", because I could feel something deep inside of me that wanted to become a girl. I felt like there was some kind of transformative force that wanted to turn me into a girl, and I tried to resist it. I also remember sometimes giving into this, and chanting instead "I am a girl", and feeling a thrill when I said that. I remember many such feelings way before puberty ever hit. I remember as puberty started to take hold, wishing above all else that it could stop, and that I could instead wake up one morning as a girl, because I sensed deep down that irreversible changes were happening to me, and I hated it. What happened at puberty was that my sex drive suddenly went through the roof, and it's perhaps inevitable that something so intimately linked to the other sex (even if it is the idea of me being that sex) would become, well, sexualised. That's easy to see. I don't think it has to be seen as the sole foundation of the GID, but I'm very comfortable with it being a part of it. Either way doesn't necessarily validate or invalidate anything.
I do think that there is an almost infinite number of permutations for the way people can be transgendered. There most likely are lots of cases of men who are actually gay, who think they are transsexual but actually just need to work through their own issues with being gay. It was interesting to read somewhere that a lot of the more flamboyant "drag queens" are actually gay men who see themselves more as female impersonators, and they really do not want to become fully female at all, since they identify as gay men, not women. These people often revel in the "acting like a woman" part, and they can be very good at it (also very over-the-top, but that's ok too!). These people would never want to lose their ability to have sex as a man, though. I have read fantasies which explicitly lay out a story where a boy is "sissified" to be exactly like a girl in every respect, but they still keep their penis and testicles (just tucked away). I was struck by how the stories always seem to emphasise this, as if it's some kind of "safe reassurance" for the reader that they are still male under it all, just "sissified". I was always a little puzzled by this, because surely if they like being a girl, then why wouldn't they want to go all the way and do that last step? But now I realize that it's all just part of the spectrum. Some people really want to be feminine in every way, but know that underneath it all, they are still male. I am the opposite; in fact I would gain quite a bit of comfort from knowing that I was female in shape and form, underneath everything, even if I had to continue to live in society as a man. Of course, I'd much rather live as a woman, but I'm just making the point that for me it's the opposite - the knowledge that there's still a penis down there under all the clothing is a real buzzkill for me. And padded bras just doesn't do it, I want the real thing.
So there are people who are not so much into the "acting like a woman" aspect, so much as "being a woman". There is a subtle difference, and I believe I am the latter. I am not effeminate; if you met me, you would never guess that I am transgendered. Well, maybe you would, I dunno, but I am able to put on a pretty good act (I find myself changing my persona according to the people I'm with - e.g. I'll cater one way to a bunch of working guys, and another way to a group of geeks, and yet another way to a group of people I know to be transgendered - I try to read people, and find myself able to tune into their frequency, and, if I feel like it, deal on their level). But I digress - the thing is, I am not interested in the drag queen thing, or acting all flamboyant or dressing up and parading around on a stage. This is exhibitionism, and it's fine, but it's not me. For me, the GID is simply about WANTING to be wholly female in every respect possible. I have not ever actually thought of myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. Nor have I ever sat there hating my penis. Nor have I ever contemplated suicide because I'm a man rather than a woman. Does this "invalidate" my feelings of gender dysphoria? Who's to say? I mean, this whole field is a work in progress, isn't it. We should be careful not to ossify the dogma too much at this early stage, lest we turn people off expressing themselves honestly.
I think I could do the transition thing, to be honest, or maybe I'd also be able to deal with living as a man for the rest of my life. True, I've been feeling kind of dead inside for the last few years (no aspersion to my wife, she's great - this is about me). But I could probably deal with it. I know that since I've re-started looking at the GID again head-on, I've felt a huge surge of motivation and excitement. Whether this is real, because it's me on the "right" path again, or just titillation because it's so intimately involved with my sexual fantasies of becoming a female, well, that's hopefully what I'm going to find out through therapy. Should be interesting...
:-)
Meow
Post Merge: December 15, 2009, 02:14:17 PM
One more thing - I read online recently a fantasy about someone being forced to become a woman, through some sort of contrived circumstances that don't really matter here. The thing that struck me was the rather twisted view of women that the author exhibited - during the feminization process, one of the nurses who was helping him become her was telling the patient about how, once he became a woman, she would be compelled to open her legs to any man who wanted her, because women were basically helpless in front of men and had to do whatever they wanted. There were a lot of little episodes where the patient is gradually forced to perform oral sex on a male nurse, and starts to like it, to his/her horror, but eventual acceptance sets in and "he" starts relishing being a "she" and submitting herself to the lustful appetites of men.
I found all this rather strange, because it seemed to betray a really immature, simplistic view of women. I know it was "just a fantasy", but the author did seem to have some real issues there! To him (or her - I'm guessing it was a him, since I can't really imagine any woman writing this stuff) women really are just weak creatures who are only about submission to the whims of men. It seems a bit demeaning, to be honest. I have to say I've noticed this in quite a bit of the "fantasy" literature I've read. It just seemed to me that the author didn't hold women in very high regard at all.
Never mind, just thinking out loud...
Meow
