Does anyone like their body?

[Megan]

Okay, this is kinda of strange to describe. I was rush with different feelings, since at 2 p.m. I was coming down with tears and craziness because I wanted to be female so badly. It comes and go like hormones. I even envision myself with everything done, and I see reality blurring for a moment. I was just pissed off at the world, and just wanted to escape it all for no apparent reason. I hate it all, then now I am accepting it all. And it's a cycle that goes back and forth, since if I dwell on the negativity of it then it just gets gloomy. But when I am in that mood, it's like the world is falling apart all around me...

Then at 3 p.m. I started liking my body again, and now I think I am the sexiest person alive. I like my male parts a lot (more then enough  I think for transgendered person should), and I wanted to cut my hair short again to become even more attractive. I notice I am uglier with longer hair and right now it's about 3.5 or 4 inches long, shaggy I guess. Then with short hair I look younger, and thinner.

But then the woman comes alive, and then I start wanting to be a woman. It's like I have two different personalities in me. One male and one female, even though the male in me wants to be feminine.

For a profession I want to entertain, I know that's what I want to do, like a geisha I guess. I want to be beautiful, desirable, and keep people memorize by me through my arts. If I can relate to anyone it's either a geisha, a musician on stage, or a a professional stripper (not a prostitute but like a dancer on stage with people lusting).

There has to be a psychological reason to want to be love and have attention...

So if I like my male body, but then hate it because I want to be a woman, what does that make me? I want society to see me as a woman, and I want my face to be a woman, but I'm fine with the body except I wish it was thinner and more curvy but I don't have a strong desire for breasts and a vagina just the general femininity, and to look sexy,  that comes along with it.

Understand what I am saying?

I want to be this in my female mind, http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3437/3925308789_28b4c84fc2_o.jpg

But I am okay if I look like this, http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Mitch_Hewer_188244.jpg

I don't look neither though. I don't need to look exactly like them, but when I am thinking of happiness and myself I see me in them in their looks.

[Janet_Girl]

In two words.  HELL NO.  I want my boobs bigger, I want my hips bigger, I want my butt bigger.  I want what is left of the boy bits gone.  I am a woman and I want a woman's body, period.  I hate everything male about my body.

Ok, I feel better now.

Hugs and Love
Janet

[Megan]

That's what is so confusing, since I am assuming a true transgendered would want to completely change.

I like what is now sometimes, but I want something else. Like I want a new car... it isn't killing me inside every constant moment, but I am not happy. But I want to be complete, and I just want natural female beauty even if it's as a guy.

I don't want to be a transsexual, but I want to be a woman.

And I am not a ->-bleeped-<-, since wearing women clothing has no interest to me but it's the body I want to change.

[Janet_Girl]

And that is what makes us Trans.  To change the body to match the mind.



Hugs and Love
Janet

[Megan]

Yeah, but I am content sometimes with my body, but I am never happy. It's like I'm 75% woman, and 25% guy. And that 25% is only because I am content when I love myself, or when I think I am hot. But it's a weird hot like not looking at myself, but I like the way it looks. Like it's third person.

[rejennyrated]

Well I certainly do like my body now - that's actually the point when postop you really know you have done the right thing... When you finally can look in the mirror as I do today and simply think "yep that's me allright - bit too much weight, going a bit grey round the temples or whatever but definitely me!"

Prior to surgery I used to hate my body with a passion and for me back then that feeling never changed. At one point actually I got to the point where I couldn't live in a house with any mirrors because I used to stop and stare at my reflection, I despised it's maleness which I felt did not match what I expected and felt inside.

But I also get the impression that for you the feelings are more confused - you sound as if you kind of have a love hate relationship with it. That's more complicated I think, and probably indicates a period of therapy to sort out how you truly feel. You might even be androgyne.

But don't worry you'll get there, and when you do you'll be able to love whatever it is that you decide to go with. Surgery certainly isn't the answer for everyone.

[FairyGirl]

well I posted some lame thing about liking yourself regardless of the body you are in but then I realized for chrissakes I'm getting major surgery to fix my body to fit my mind, so never mind

[Hannah]

I don't really want to commit to discussing the rest of it, but something that jumped out at me was the hair bit. That's a rough place to be in, be patient and don't cut it. After a while it will probably start relaxing a bit under it's own weight, and you'll be able to manage it better. Your'e in as you said a "shaggy" stage right now and that does get better  In my world at least, letting my hair down on my bare shoulders is extremely dysphoria relieving.

Something that helped me was a product called "Proclaim Professional Care Glossing Polish". It has aloe and other oils in it, and really helps with the frizz. It makes your hair shiny and attractive, but not oily looking like a lot of products do. If you keep cutting your hair every time you get a bout of dysphoria, your'e never going to know if long hair is your thing or not so hang in there!

[Alyx.]

I do the same thing, Megan.

[kelliBennett]

I do for the most part. granted I which my shoulders and chest were a little narrower then what they are. I would like my breast to be larger but they are still in the growing stage. So I just have to be patient. Otherwise I wouldn't change much about my figure. I have a long yet mildly curvy shape. I've really come to like it for the most part. We'll see how much more hormones changes it but the subtle softening and the rounder parts has been nice.

Most of my major concerns are in my face.

[jozize]

I can relate to your post 100%, that was me at some recent point in time (2 months ago), then i figured all out, I was frozen because i had a chance to get what i wanted for many years and was afraid loose it.

So i made a choice, i will do it, in the worst case i will end up with a few extra things.

Jossie

[Nero]

Megan,
It really sounds as if you just want the sexiness factor of being female. You can be sexy as a male. Lots of drag queens manage it. That way you get to be female for the night and get the attention you crave without sacrificing your maleness.

Okay, this is kinda of strange to describe. I was rush with different feelings, since at 2 p.m. I was coming down with tears and craziness because I wanted to be female so badly. It comes and go like hormones. I even envision myself with everything done, and I see reality blurring for a moment. I was just pissed off at the world, and just wanted to escape it all for no apparent reason. I hate it all, then now I am accepting it all. And it's a cycle that goes back and forth, since if I dwell on the negativity of it then it just gets gloomy. But when I am in that mood, it's like the world is falling apart all around me...

Then at 3 p.m. I started liking my body again, and now I think I am the sexiest person alive. I like my male parts a lot (more then enough  I think for transgendered person should), and I wanted to cut my hair short again to become even more attractive. I notice I am uglier with longer hair and right now it's about 3.5 or 4 inches long, shaggy I guess. Then with short hair I look younger, and thinner.

But then the woman comes alive, and then I start wanting to be a woman. It's like I have two different personalities in me. One male and one female, even though the male in me wants to be feminine.

For a profession I want to entertain, I know that's what I want to do, like a geisha I guess. I want to be beautiful, desirable, and keep people memorize by me through my arts. If I can relate to anyone it's either a geisha, a musician on stage, or a a professional stripper (not a prostitute but like a dancer on stage with people lusting).

There has to be a psychological reason to want to be love and have attention...

So if I like my male body, but then hate it because I want to be a woman, what does that make me? I want society to see me as a woman, and I want my face to be a woman, but I'm fine with the body except I wish it was thinner and more curvy but I don't have a strong desire for breasts and a vagina just the general femininity, and to look sexy,  that comes along with it.

Understand what I am saying?

I want to be this in my female mind, http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3437/3925308789_28b4c84fc2_o.jpg

But I am okay if I look like this, http://celebrity-pics.movieeye.com/celebrity_pictures/Mitch_Hewer_188244.jpg

I don't look neither though. I don't need to look exactly like them, but when I am thinking of happiness and myself I see me in them in their looks.

[Megan]

Megan,
It really sounds as if you just want the sexiness factor of being female. You can be sexy as a male. Lots of drag queens manage it. That way you get to be female for the night and get the attention you crave without sacrificing your maleness.

The drag queen look is not really sexy to me lol. It's comical.

But there's sexy for guys and there's sexy for women. That's why I like the way I look right now, since I think I look attractive. Not incredibly attractive though, but attractive enough. Some days though I think I am ugly.

But I don't care about my maleness either, it's just blah to me. When I see a beautiful transsexual it's like I want to replicate her success, but when I see a transitioning or un-passable one I lose my interest from it (or just plain ugly one).

I guess I'm just really confuse about who I am.

[Windrider]

Megan, not all trans folks are extremely body dysphoric. My spouse isn't. While she wants to eventually be rid of her male 'factory equipment', she's not distressed by it. So that you don't hate your male bits all of the time isn't abnormal.

Just some food for thought.

WR

[K8]

I was usually pretty happy with my male body.  It was never great but it was healthy and fit and I looked OK.  I would dress up in women's clothes and see myself as an attractive woman regardless of the fact I probably looked ridiculous.  I refused to be unhappy with my boy bits as long as I couldn't do anything about them (although I did come close to cutting them off a few times).  Now that I have a chance to change my body to be female, I will.  If I get stopped for some reason, I'll deal with that.

Megan, I think the questions you have are best explored through therapy.  There are lousy therapists out there, but a good one will help you figure out what it is that you want for yourself.  That's really what therapy is about – help in figuring out what you want and need.

- Kate

[Fenrir]

Ever considered that you might be androgyne or bigendered? 
Bigender: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigendered

At 2 p.m. I was coming down with tears and craziness because I wanted to be female so badly. It comes and go like hormones. I even envision myself with everything done, and I see reality blurring for a moment. I was just pissed off at the world, and just wanted to escape it all for no apparent reason. I hate it all, then now I am accepting it all. And it's a cycle that goes back and forth, since if I dwell on the negativity of it then it just gets gloomy. But when I am in that mood, it's like the world is falling apart all around me...

Then at 3 p.m. I started liking my body again, and now I think I am the sexiest person alive. I like my male parts a lot (more then enough  I think for transgendered person should), and I wanted to cut my hair short again to become even more attractive. I notice I am uglier with longer hair and right now it's about 3.5 or 4 inches long, shaggy I guess. Then with short hair I look younger, and thinner.

But then the woman comes alive, and then I start wanting to be a woman. It's like I have two different personalities in me. One male and one female, even though the male in me wants to be feminine.

Because of the way you suddenly switch, I thought this 'bigendered' identity might seem more accurate than being simply androgyne or transgendered. Of course, there's a whole big Androgyne Talk section on these forums that might give you more comprehensive info than I can!
Yeah, I identify as androgyne, and I can generally cope quite well with my body, sometimes it even works for me, I just get frequent bouts of dysphoria, which can be anywhere from mild annoyance to pretty damn frustrating and depressing. Some androgynes want to partially transition to get some aspects of each gender, but not others, as you do. You seem to be swinging from one to the other quite violently though, and you should probably try to get some therapy to consider how to get this highly emotional rollercoaster a bit more under control, because, let's face it, that can't be fun. 
Above all, don't feel forced into transition because it is the 'done' thing to do. Take your time to figure out what you really want and how you really feel about all aspects of your body before you rush into making any permanent changes. Good luck! 

[Megan]

That sounds like me, a bit, feels like it.

I did consider it for a while, but it didn't actually help because being androgynous will mean I just look like a flamboyant guy. I'm not flamboyant in the way I speak and move. Rather conservative and boring.

I can relate to femininity more than masculinity, but my physical appearance doesn't bother me extremely to the point where I must change, occurs. Some days I love my look, and others I hate it.

It's just annoying, since  I can't control it when those feelings come up.

Thanks for the link,

[Virginia87106]

I do not think I have ever met a trans person who thinks their body is exactly what they wish it to be.  Something should be different, in some way.
But this is true of most if not all women too.  They feel the same way.
This is true of many men too. they feel the same way.
Hello?  Is anyone listening?

Hey, I am the same way.  After I spent $14,000 on my face, I realize that I could easily spend the same amount again, that is if I had the $$ again.  I have a friend that has spent over $100,000 on her face and body, and she has stopped for now, but still considers her crafted body and face very imperfect.
We feel a strong need to change our body to be like the feeling of our identity, and I think this is OK.  But maybe at some point we need to say enough!  And just live with it, like everyone else?

[Ryuu]

In a word, no. Big boobs, (well, not really big, but too big for a guy!) big hips, (i think they're in the 40" range ) feminine face... you get the picture.

[shanetastic]

I'm okay with my body.

I mean, I realize that there's nothing to totally hate about it.  I'm not a model, but for being trans and having to deal with this I accept that I think that I'm in okay shape.