My child is in trouble. I don't know what to do.

[achildsparent]

My child claims he/she is no longer a child, being 19 years old.  He/she is acting like one.  Since finding out by accident that he had been taking spiro and female hormones, we have made every attempt to get him/her help dealing with this from visiting endocrinologist, to getting a car service to take him/her to counseling appointments while he/she is at College.  We didn't know it at the time but junior year in high school he/she began purchasing and ingesting drugs on the internet in order to begin transitioning.  (I chose to use "he" because I am so distraught)  Now we have found out that he is scheduled with Dr. Suporn in Thailand and will not tell us when he is leaving.  We have flown out to CA to try to dissuade him and have been in a hotel for a week now.  We think he may have his flight scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
We have gone to great lengths to get him to take the legitimate route but in his words, "It takes too long."  We have even offered to pay for his srs if he will go with a US surgeon and do things right.  He refuses.  Can anyone help us?

[Hannah]

Dr. Suporn is widely respected, and is among one of the most notable srs surgeons. He follows the Standards of Care, so if he is operating on your daughter then she has been doing it "right". I could go on and on about the rest of it but not being a significant other to anyone but a Labrador I'll leave it to the others.

[achildsparent]

Suporn might have that reputation with some.  However, on this site there was a discussion after someone posted pictures and there are opinions out there that are not so good.  That is how I found Susan's place, by googling suporn.  Check out Tink and Eva Laura's discussion and then let's talk about it. 

[Flan]

Sounds like she will be seeing Dr. Kim while at it, without 2 letters of recommendation (at least one from a thai psychologist) she isn't getting surgery.

The problem with the assumption of a US surgeon being best is partly fear of health care quality overseas, that said "It takes too long" doesn't fly in my book because suporn demands a minimum of 6 months continuous hrt, and the wait list is at last check, a couple months, if one is lucky out. (which bumps close to the year US and Canadian surgeons demand)

One problem with attempting to dissuade her choice lies in the fact you can't *legally* do so. While she may well be going to a hackjob surgeon, or regret the choice later on, that is their choice to do in their life. I don't have enough information, or desire, to pass judgment upon another person seeking surgery for unknown motives.

Just my 2 cents not counting inflation.

[Hannah]

Tink and especially Eva Laura are role models of mine and I've read them
thoroughly. They are sucessful, well adapted, complete and happy women. Dr. Suporn is no more or less skilled than the us surgeons; it's major surgery and stuff happens.

I can appreciate that you're afraid for your child and I don't have the benefit of enough perspective on why she didn't share her decisions and processes with you. I've turned my back on most of my family, and my mother is within a hairs breadth of it. Please try to focus on her heart and not her crotch, because it sounds to me like it's pretty much a done deal. If you want to have this person in your life it might be time to just be there for her.

[Birdie]

I have some very vague memories of a thread posted here a long time ago with some photos of Dr Suporns results. If you're talking about the same one then I can assure you that the photos that were shown weren't exactly accurate in terms of the results that he gets.

His operations are a little different to the ones performed by some other surgeons, and as a result when people see a photo taken within the first few months they assume that is what the final result will be, because they compare it to other surgeons. I remember the clinic commenting that one of the patients shown in the photos had very little to work with, anatomy-wise, and so the surgery may look a little different. I remember them saying they were pleased with the result in the end. The photos, based on my own experience as a patient of his, seemed to be taken fairly early in the healing process.

I've had SRS with Dr Suporn, and early in the healing proccess mine looked similar to the "bad" photos that get thrown around every now and then. But you really can't assess a result until it has had a full twelve months to heal, and some of us heal slower than others. At just over four months now, things look completely different to what they looked like at 1 month or 2 or even 3, and I am very happy I chose to go with Dr Suporn. Plus, the aftercare is outstanding.

So I feel I can vouch for Dr Suporn being an excellent choice, and if those photos are the ones that you are refering to (I think they were first posted on Anne Lawrences website) then I think you can safely dismiss them as not being representative of a fully healed result. Your daughter is in safe hands.

*hugs*

Choice of surgeon is a very personal decision, I don't think you will be able to change her mind.

[achildsparent]

Thank you for your postings.  I have trouble with the fact that this all came about fairly recently (deciding to take internet drugs at 17) now the surgery at 19.  All without any real and consistent psychotherapy.  She was never feminine as a child and didn't even know tgs existed until visiting the internet and finding info at 15 years, during a stressful time in her life (bullied for being american in a foreign country by all of her classmates.) Don't you think she should do some kind of self-examination as to why she wants to do this.

[Lachlann]

Well, being 'feminine' was never really a requirement to be female or to have a female gender identity. Lot's of us known since a very young age (myself being only 5) while others took longer to figure it out. In the end, if she's at this point, then she's probably had a lot of inner turmoil about it. Generally speaking, people don't feel desperate to get surgery or hormones when they are uncertain of themselves. Some people also put on an act or repress it until they can't any longer.

The truth may be that she never told you her feelings because most of us are afraid our parents will flip out and disown us or overreact.

If she hasn't had adequate therapy then she'll probably get denied. Or maybe we're all missing some important details in this story, who knows.

[rejennyrated]

Thank you for your postings.  I have trouble with the fact that this all came about fairly recently (deciding to take internet drugs at 17) now the surgery at 19.  All without any real and consistent psychotherapy.  She was never feminine as a child and didn't even know tgs existed until visiting the internet and finding info at 15 years, during a stressful time in her life (bullied for being american in a foreign country by all of her classmates.) Don't you think she should do some kind of self-examination as to why she wants to do this.

I have replied in detail to your other thread.

Some of us who were very sure of ourselves and lucky enough to have quite feminine childhoods, genuinely don't see the value in therapy, but I think for most it is a useful step.

As I said in the other thread, I wouldn't assume that this is automatically going to be a disaster. Although I agree that as a parent I would be worried sick. Many of us who bucked the system to a greater or lesser extent do go on to live long successful postop lives and have no regrets.

My thoughts are with you.

Edit : +1 more reply in the other thread.

[achildsparent]

She was able to get a letter from someone in the phillipines while "meeting" online, for a hefty fee.  I didn't think that this would be acceptable but it is according to the clinic.  They have also accepted a power of attorney by a 20 year old ex-boyfriend of hers since by thai law she can't have the surgery before the age of 20 without parental consent.  And we certainly wouldn't consent to it being so far away and without anyone with her to protect and support her.  SHe knew that her regular psychiatrists wouldn't allow the surgery and would probably have committed her had they known what she was up to.  She lied to everyone.  She needs professional help but refuses it.

[rejennyrated]

I think the important thing is to try and keep your relationship strong. The old addage that you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink is applicable. It may be better to do what you can to help than to waste time trying to prevent the unpreventable. Again I have replied in more detail in your other thread.

[Lachlann]

Online therapy isn't as shady as you might think. A well respect member of this forum has done therapy through a certified therapist on the Internet and it is fine. I could understand why you might be concerned, though. Regular psychiatrists, from my experience, who are not experienced in GID can make things even longer than they need be. It might be important to understand why she feels she must rush. For me, it is directly linked to suicide. I would have probably offed myself if I didn't know there was some hope.

It is bad that she lied, but it seems like she is covering all her bases. I don't think you're going to get through her now seeing as she's leaving tomorrow.

[rejennyrated]

It might be important to understand why she feels she must rush. For me, it is directly linked to suicide. I would have probably offed myself if I didn't know there was some hope.

It is bad that she lied, but it seems like she is covering all her bases. I don't think you're going to get through her now seeing as she's leaving tomorrow.

100% agree!

I am only alive today 25 years later because I found a doctor who would treat the patient rather than the rules. And in retrospect, however worried she may have been at my haste, my mother would have told you that she is grateful that I didn't commit suicide out of frustration.

Remember - at our age a year seems frighteningly short. At 19 it seems like a lifetime!

[jesse]

if she used th online dr in the phillipines i have used him as well his rates are lower then those of us therapists and his requirements for length of therapy are the same as U.S. Therapists. she still needs a second letter and if she has it then she has seen a U.S. therapist because the philippine therapists counter part practices in philladelphia. This thread sounds like a very distressed mother realizing her son is about to become her daughter against her beliefs or wishes. in that i am sorry if she is legitamately mentally unstable ( and i fail to see how two therapists could have missed the cues to that) then seek a court order to prevent her from harming herself. But if your saying she is not well (unstable) is merely your belief that anyone who would undergo a sex change is insane then leave her be im 42 and tried being a male for my entire life i work in law enforcement GID is an emotionally painful experience to try to live with and many dont make it because of other peoples imposing their values and beliefs. good luck in sorting out your feelings on this
jessica

[Hannah]

Would you giver her the link to this website, she sounds like an amazing person and I like to visit with amazing people  Besides we are a fabulous support group, contrary to what it prolly seems like in this thread we don't always just offer blind support, there is a lot of experience and guidance to be had here and they have helped myself, people like your daughter, people like Tink and Eva and more to learn to lead happy and productive lives.

We would love to hear from her when she recuperates 

[Windrider]

Well, parent, you're in a rather rough spot. I do feel sad that your daughter didn't feel comfortable coming to you and discussing her transition. If she's got a flight out for surgery there's probably not much you can do to stop her right now.

In a lot of ways, you are finding out the way most wives find out - rather suddenly. It's a shock and you have a lot of questions and concerns, which are valid by the way. Self medicating is dangerous and can be deadly. Circumventing the processes can cause problems later should she decide she's made a mistake. So, yes your concerns are valid. You do sound like very good parents, who are willing to make the effort to accept your daughter, which is more than a lot of parents do. I'm glad you took the time to do some research and come here. If you have questions, ask. We'll try to answer as best we can, although transition is different for everyone.

However, I also understand that you are very angry and hurt by your daughter. She has broken her trust with you by lying and sneaking behind your back. And once broken, trust is a very hard thing to repair. Depending on how she handles things, it will be for you to decide whether or not you will re-extend that trust and try to rebuild your relationship or if it has been damaged beyond repair.

I hope things turn out for the best, whatever the best may be.

WR