Do you feel different on T?

[jmaxley]

Yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that T isn't going to fix everything.  I'm not even sure it'll fix anything, since I still have some doubts (though I'm sure of one thing--I am NOT a woman)...Is this what I really want to do?  Maybe I'm more an androgyne?  Wouldn't it be easier to just live as a female?  And...OMG, what will people (family, job, church) think when they find out?  I have really bad social anxiety so this last one...oi.

I do take an antidepressant which really helps and am already seeing a therapist.  I finally told her and my psychiatrist about the gender issues and they seemed understanding.  Huge step there for me!

[Miniar]

it's one week on T now, counting today, and honestly, I don't know what it's doing so far.. I doubt every thought that goes through my head considering the T as possible cause for whatever I'm noticing going on (scratchy throat, occasional spot in the complexion, hornyness, etc)...

So, on T so far, I feel more "erratic" in my thoughts, but only marginally, but also.. I'm less stressed because I'm no longer fighting to "get" the T.

But at 7 days, I can't know what is psychosomatic and what's the T.

[Lachlann]

it's one week on T now, counting today, and honestly, I don't know what it's doing so far.. I doubt every thought that goes through my head considering the T as possible cause for whatever I'm noticing going on (scratchy throat, occasional spot in the complexion, hornyness, etc)...

So, on T so far, I feel more "erratic" in my thoughts, but only marginally, but also.. I'm less stressed because I'm no longer fighting to "get" the T.

But at 7 days, I can't know what is psychosomatic and what's the T.

Gratz, BTW.

I think I'm going to be the same way on my first few weeks. I'm sure the relief will help some, though.

Yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that T isn't going to fix everything.  I'm not even sure it'll fix anything, since I still have some doubts (though I'm sure of one thing--I am NOT a woman)...Is this what I really want to do?  Maybe I'm more an androgyne?  Wouldn't it be easier to just live as a female?  And...OMG, what will people (family, job, church) think when they find out?  I have really bad social anxiety so this last one...oi.

I do take an antidepressant which really helps and am already seeing a therapist.  I finally told her and my psychiatrist about the gender issues and they seemed understanding.  Huge step there for me!

Yeah, I know some of my anxiety isn't gender related either. Then again, one disorder can make more disorders, but I think that just leads to over thinking. I'm starting to think I may have enough, though, to go on disability.

I take an antidepressant that's also used for sleeping pills and anxiety, but I think it's doing more harm. I didn't take one yesterday because I missed it, but I actually kind of feel good without it. Anyone ever have that?

At any rate, I hope you get through it. I know how much it can suck, especially if it has a snowball effect.

[Arch]

I take an antidepressant that's also used for sleeping pills and anxiety, but I think it's doing more harm. I didn't take one yesterday because I missed it, but I actually kind of feel good without it. Anyone ever have that?

Not me. If I missed a day, my brain chemistry got all out of whack and I would not feel right. In addition, I would have the strangest, most realistic dreams imaginable. That part was actually kind of cool.

[Lachlann]

Not me. If I missed a day, my brain chemistry got all out of whack and I would not feel right. In addition, I would have the strangest, most realistic dreams imaginable. That part was actually kind of cool.

Kind of sounds like me when I'm sleep deprived.

I'm really starting to think I have an immunity to pills to some degree. Maybe I should bring it up with my doctor.

[Arch]

I'm really starting to think I have an immunity to pills to some degree. Maybe I should bring it up with my doctor.

Not to hijack the thread, but if you're talking about antidepressants, some don't work for some people. You have to experiment.

And then transition and hope that you stabilize a bit!

[Lachlann]

Not to hijack the thread, but if you're talking about antidepressants, some don't work for some people. You have to experiment.

And then transition and hope that you stabilize a bit!

I've been on all sorts of hard antidepressants since I was 14 which is why I'm concerned. Maybe transition will do it, but it's worth bringing up.

And yes, sorry to hijack it a bit, we tend to do this often.

[jmaxley]

I take an antidepressant that's also used for sleeping pills and anxiety, but I think it's doing more harm. I didn't take one yesterday because I missed it, but I actually kind of feel good without it. Anyone ever have that?

Yeah, I've had that happen before.  It's taken years to find one that worked for me (my current shrink switched to a different class of meds--the SSRIs just weren't doing the job).  It's really made a difference.

[Arch]

I've been on all sorts of hard antidepressants since I was 14 which is why I'm concerned. Maybe transition will do it, but it's worth bringing up.

And yes, sorry to hijack it a bit, we tend to do this often.

I think it's okay; all of this is sort of on topic.

Transition plus what my therapist calls "internal work" can work wonders for your moods. It might not be the T per se that actually works the magic, but I have gone through a profound improvement in the past year or so. I can't say for sure how much is hormonal and how much is transition as a whole.

I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence? I sure did. I feel that I had a hormonal imbalance or maybe my brain just didn't like the hormonal fuel it was getting. But at the same time, it's possible that my depression was largely due to all of the other physical changes I was going through that weren't congruent with my self-perception.

No matter how you slice it, I feel different now, and T is part of that equation.

[jmaxley]

I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence?

*raises hand*  That's also when all the anxiety crap started up.

[LordKAT]

That is when the depression got bad but not when it started. 

[Arch]

That is when the depression got bad but not when it started.

I've always had a melancholy streak, but I was fourteen and had just started bleeding (I was a late bloomer) when I noticed that I had a real problem. Now I hope the worst of the depression is gone for good, but I give it another year or so before I'll feel sure.

[LordKAT]

I've always had a melancholy streak, but I was fourteen and had just started bleeding (I was a late bloomer) when I noticed that I had a real problem. Now I hope the worst of the depression is gone for good, but I give it another year or so before I'll feel sure.

Started bleeding in 4th grade along with a lot of pain. I think the pain added to the depression as much if not more than the bleeding did. I was upset enough at not being counted with the boys when not at home as I was to find out that my body really wasn't mine.  Lot more to that story and enough for a book.

2 Months on T now and the pain isn't improved but the bleeding is different, darker and more ...gooey? I know TMI  I can't wait til March when I will never ever have to deal with pap exams and bleeding and that pain ever again. I am wondering if that will ease the depression factor a bit.

[Silver]

I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence?

Add me to the list. I've generally been a happy kid, I've got an easy life and nice parents. But I started to become more bitter and melancholy, starting with breast development. Made me inexplicably angry at the time, and gave my mom a hell of a time when she tried to get me to wear a bra. It was an injustice, and I had to rebel. The bleeding at 14 was worse, it was really depressing. Now I don't get so depressed.

Now my personality has taken a turn towards the bitter, sarcastic, melancholy and emotionless. Although I don't know how much of that is caused by GID as opposed to natural maturation.

[Teknoir]

Puberty didn't agree with me one bit - but I was able to remain stable just enough to function until it came time to get on "the pill" (at 17).

Then it all went downhill from there. Non-functioning, unable to hold down a job, almost institutionalized, a cocktail of strong meds (anti-depressant, anti-psyhcotics, mood stabalizers, etc). I was told that I'd never function well enough to be independant as an adult, I'd always want to kill myself, and my "mental fog" was permanant. They said I'd be in and out of institutions, I'd only get worse, and I'd need therapy and meds for the rest of my life.

I kept saying the estrogen didn't agree with me. They wouldn't listen. They kept telling me I should feel much better with "normal" levels of female hormones. Apparently only getting "spotting" for a few days every 3 months ment I was hormonally out of whack, and needed to be "corrected" (but it wasn't grounds for believing me about estrogen not being compatible with my system).

I tried various different pills, but spent the most amount of time on an estrogen with testosterone blockers combo. It brought about lots of horrible physical changes (and a normal XX person's cycle of HELL).

I went off said pill about 18 months ago - and started feeling clear headed for the first time in years.

About 12 months ago I completely weened off the other meds.

I didn't come out and start transition until about 9 months ago.

I've had no medical supervision for any of this... a shrink would probably chuck me in a padded room for what I've done .

... but the proof of my concept is in the results. Since stopping the pills (all of them) and starting transition, I've been more stable than I ever could have hoped for. Functionality wise, I'm within normal parameters. I haven't even thought about self harm (let alone suicide) in 18 months. I haven't even been depressed. Angry and dysphoric within the parameters of GID, yes. But it's been different. I can pinpoint what's wrong, and I can deal with it.

According to the shrinks and doctors I've seen - this isn't possible. Yet here I am... grabbing life by the throat and shaking it like a British nanny .

I still get a little twitchy in some social situations, and I'm still outright eccentric by normal standards. I'm still very uncomfortable in my own skin (it's purely a physical thing, and I can now identify where and why). But hey - by comparision, that's just small stuff (that can be mostly fixed via medical transition).

I spoke to an endo nurse (of 25 years experiance in an andrology clinic) earlier in the year. He said that in his experiance, it's not unusual for FTM's to be "incompatible" with estrogen. Of course, he said there hadn't been any formal studies done that he knows of, it's just what he's seen on the job.

I know we're told not to expect any mental issues to vanish with HRT, and for some part I'd say that's true. But I find it very hard to believe that T doesn't improve mental stability for at least some FTMs.

I'm pre-T, but given what E did to me (or more what going off it, dropping my E level through the floor and shutting my repo system back down did) - I'd like to think I have some idea of the mental changes that will likely happen on T  (expecting similar but "more" if you know what I mean ).

[Vancha]

I was a happy, enthusiastic, friendly child who had no problems with people prior to puberty.  I remember feeling inspired, energetic, and having quite a love for the piano that I can't imagine having, now.  When the bleeding started, that stopped completely.  I don't even remember how that could be.  I was never conscious of the fact that I became miserable, depressed and uninspired after that, I just was.  I slowly regressed into my own little void.  When "puberty" itself began, with slight breast development and whatnot, I developed severe panic disorder, yet again not knowing why.  I also became extremely ashamed of my body, which was deemed natural for girls my age, and eventually refused to wear "bras" and, at one point in my past during a game in gym class (which I learned to hate thereafter), I joined the boy's team rather than the girl's.  It all makes sense now, why I have been depressed since the monthly misery began.

[Alessandro]

I wonder if I am very unusual but I didn't have any problems with puberty.  I never really focused on it too much, I was being bullied at the time and had so many other issues and things that made me happy too that puberty (and my gender itself) was bottom on my list of things to worry about.  It didn't bother me that I was female.

Its only when I hit my 20s and started being socialised as "a woman" and having sexual relationships with other people that I realised that I was trans.  Since that realisation the anxiety has been getting worse rather as jmaxley wrote - more fear of how people will treat me and if no man will ever want me again than actual fear of the transition itself.  But at the same time I can not be comfortable as a woman unless some magic wand can wave the dysphoria away again. 

[Jamie-o]

I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence?

I certainly did.  I started battling depression at the age of 8 - the same year my breasts started developing.

As for how T makes me feel:  I've been on T for about 8 months now, and I feel so much calmer, happier, and more confident than I did pre-T.  I haven't had any issues with over-aggressiveness, although I did go through a phase around 5 or 6 months in when I really had to watch what I said, because I was much more likely to blurt out whatever I was thinking when I got annoyed.    Interestingly enough, that tendency ended up putting me in a better place with my co-workers in a round-about way.  I got into a bit of an argument with my supervisor, which eventually simmered down to a very constructive conversation.  Now he seems to treat me with a lot more respect than he did before, and others that I work with seem to accept me better as well.  Must be a guy thing. 

[Arch]

I haven't had any issues with over-aggressiveness, although I did go through a phase around 5 or 6 months in when I really had to watch what I said, because I was much more likely to blurt out whatever I was thinking when I got annoyed. 

That happened to me, too...and I'm not sure it's over yet because now I'm extra careful to think before I speak.