Trans success guilt

[Naturally Blonde]

yeah, I get it -- but despite that. Despite having few problems (I can't even remember last time I got sir, either in person or on the phone), I still find that I continually doubt myself. I don't think I look great at all, nor do I think I sound great. In fact, part of me is in shock that I don't have people chasing after me with bats calling out ->-bleeped-<-... or, I guess even less violent, calling me sir.

So, why do I get away with things? I'm horrid looking and I sound just as horrid. *sigh* So, you'd see why I'd feel guilty if I'm not really trying, I keep some how "passing." And, really, part of me really feels that I don't deserve that. I look in the mirror, and it's scary. I hear my own voice (say, on my YT vlogs) and I'm already making a noose. I just don't get why I'm some how blending in with the rest of society, when surely, there are much better deserving ones than me -- I see other trans women working hard, and I think they look and sound great... then they get a sir, and are seen as being "men in dresses." Yet, they are amazing!

Post Merge: December 29, 2009, 11:15:47 PM
And then, to top that off, the amount of people that hit on me who don't know about me. Some how finding my broken self attractive. I'm in a relationship almost all of the time (sadly, lots but quick ones). Then I see my wonderful sisters, who are much better than I in many ways, being so lonely. I question why I'd get the attention over someone else. Blah.

I didn't want you to react in that way. I was simply trying to put across that a genetic female would be more honest in their opinion than possibly another TS friend who may be over complimentary with all of us. It wasn't meant to provoke or get a reaction in any way.

[Ms.Behavin]

Gee don't most girls  GG or otherwise have days they think they are ugly, hips too big or too small. Lips to big or too small.  I think just about everyone has days when all we see are the flaws.  Then there are the other days when the mirror says heh hottie. 

I know I have good days and bad days too.   Good days a guy will say that there is nothing wrong with my weight and all my curves are in the right place (blew me away) then there was the time in the postoffice when a chic ahead of me in line read me in an instant.  Grrrrr... That was a down day.  Not too many of those but they do happen.  Yes I've been /done most of the list too.  Joy Joy.

[Alyssa M.]

I was simply trying to put across that a genetic female would be more honest in their opinion than possibly another TS friend who may be over complimentary with all of us.

I think that's true, and it certainly gives you a better idea of whether you pass or not, but trans people often know better what specific things might be holding you back, since there are a lot of issues cis people don't deal with. The catch is, you need to find someone you can be really open with, and that's tough.

[milktea]

your topic makes me kind of reflect on my own situation. in my case it was not really something of my own active choice that made me look what i am today, i was just indifferent and let my body take its own course, and when i have to make a choice i take what is best for my future -- socially, financially, etc.

and i don't regret my choices. face the facts -- this society as what it is now and for what i perceive of its near future will not offer the same kind of chances for people with gender issues as compared to the 'normal' ones. so as much as i prefer not to incur the risks of surgery i have to 'correct' my 'ambiguous' genitals. as much as i prefer to share my secrets with my best pals it would be many times over my dead body to make me admit that i'm intersexed...

and yet my folks never got over my decisions. they wanted a son, they thought they had one, and they were eagerly looking forward to me bringing a girl home as their daughter-in-law and presenting them with a fat baby. and whenever we talked i catch their feelings: disappointment, dismay, and even blame...i would have made the same choices if i can do it again, but i feel guilty and upset that i'm making them experience discomfort.

so every time after i talked to them on the phone i would just stare into the mirror, observe the girl inside and ask: what am i?

if 2% dif in genes separates humans from the monkeys, does that kind of qualify me for a new specie?

whatever it is life still goes on. so i live with my questions and my guilt, and continue doing what i do. seems like guilt is inavoidable, but i guess that's just the way it is...

[Syne]

Natalie, you have come a long way in a short amount of time. Do not feel guilty for this but use the moments where others are confused to help educate. It is both an issue and an opportunity. Issues will always exist but opportunities only come around every so often. When you can shed even the tiniest light on the issues of being trans you are helping in some small way.

I want to tell you to just not feel guilty but I know that will not work. I cannot relate to that part because I do not feel any guilt when my friends tell me things like they are glad that I am not like other trans people they have met. That is their experience, their perception. Most did not know me back in my awkward stages when I seemed to screw up everything in my path. I often go the confrontational route and try to challenge their views of masculinity and femininity. Maybe it does some good, maybe not.

Being there is helping. Not hiding is helping. Educating is helping. Tiny ripples that flow outward (well okay mine ripples tend to shake and shimmy too because of the loud music I enjoy and weave through my life).

Good luck with it all. I think you are doing quite well for yourself.

[K8]

Milktea,
We come into the world a certain way and then have to deal with that.  If you are a girl with ambiguous genitals and have them altered to become more clearly a girl, then good for you.  If your parents don't accept that you are a girl, than that is unfortunate. 

Many of us try to live our lives for others.  It always turns out badly.  My sister sometimes complains that she won't have any grandchildren.  Her son has MS and has chosen not to have children.  We play the hand we are dealt.

And by the way, welcome to Susan's, Milktea. 

Be sure to look under the Announcements heading.  There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours: "Site Terms of Service and Rules to Live By", "Standard Terms and Definitions", and "Post Ranks".  Look through the other stuff there, too, like "Age and the Forums".

Happy exploring.

- Kate