hello everyone.
i suppose i'm one of those people who has a difficult time catagorizing themselves, or at times simply doesn't wish to choose a catagory at all.
but for what it's worth, here's the story.
i'm 26. born with female parts. grew up very tomboyish, came out as lesbian at 16. tried the whole 'girly' thing for a bit for reasons i still don't quite understand (family, social pressure, etc.) over the past fews years i have shed the stereotypical 'girly' persona and have embraced my masculine qualities. to most people, i'll appear as a butch lesbian. which is fine, for the most part. or at least has been up until now.
you see, something shifted. i don't exactly have that feeling of "being a man trapped in a woman's body" but i certainly have a 'male' energy. (this has been confirmed by friends/gfs and such.) my partner of almost five years also agrees with this and is attracted to my masculine qualities and has encouraged me to explore this part of myself to a greater extent. i am extremely grateful for her support.
so in the last few months, i have started to have a feeling of dysphoria about my chest. fortunately, i have a small chest, but when i look down, i feel somewhat disgusted. this isn't an extreme sensation, but it is there, and it is increasing. i purchased some binders from underworks at the end of the summer and loved the way they made my chest look, but i found that i had a great deal of trouble breathing, even when wearing them for only about 8 hours a day. so i'm back to sports bras and loose/baggy shirts. i've got plans to make some alterations to my binder to make it more tolerable.
i sort of like the idea of taking T, but it won't work out in this time of my life for a multitude of reasons that i may explain later as i meet people within this community.
the idea of surgery really doesn't appeal to me. i'm probably going to fall into the non-op category as far as that goes. however, there is no telling what the future may hold.
generally, i am read as female, probably mostly due to my voice, although my partner says she thinks my voice could go either way. but the times i have been read as male really made me feel wonderful. i don't feel especially insulted when called by a female pronoun, but something within in me sort of kicks back against that. the whole binary gender thing bugs me to no end.
for all i know, this is just the beginning of a long, complex process. i'm glad i've found a kind, supportive community where i can explore all aspects of my gender. i tried some more local resources and was rebuffed because i didn't use the proper language and terminology. (it was an ftm group that basically said that unless i felt i was 'a man trapped in a woman's body' then i would not be welcome. i wanted to respect their space so i gracefully bowed out, but was still irritated at the lack of a willing ear to listen to my explanation.
so, hello again everyone and thank you for reading this ramble. i look forward to more conversations across the board.
