I wish to say hello to all the people on this wonderfully informative forum. I am a FTM, and I'm looking to make it a reality. Aside from my appearence, and how that makes other precieve me, I feel that I am indeed a male, and I wish to make it so that those who still percieve me as a female see me for what I really am.
I've come here looking for information on how to bring this about, and the support I wouldn't otherwise have. Several of my friends have accepted that I want to have the reassignment surgery, however, my family would likely shun me and leave me homeless if I told them. It wouldn't help that I am firmly set in my sexuality and would therefor become a homosexual.
This being my case, I have a double burden to shoulder. I could continue to live as I have until now, but each year I find myself more disgusted with it, and more depressed. I truly am tired of hiding who and what I am from the world, and I want to take that step toward absolution. The problem is that I don't know where to turn.
I understand that the first step, aside from deciding to do it, is to find someone or someplace that deals with this type of thing. I live in a very small, very 'Christian' town, and I live with my parents who are set in their ways about things like this. I need any help and advice you have.
I thank you in advance for anything you can offer me. I'll offer up a bit of my story for those who wish to know more.
I knew when I was 7 years old, maybe earlier, that I wasn't meant to be female. I've never been comfortable in the gender roles set by society, and I've never felt like my body was really mine. It's like a costume I can't get out of. But, I digress...
As a child, when my friends and I would play, they would all want to be princesses and I would always ask to be allowed to play a prince. I balked at the idea of having to save one of them from something and ride off into the sunset with her. Instead I'd go off on my own and imagine being a prince who fought off some evil beset upon the palace stable boy, I'd rescue him and procure a kiss.
Around that same age I remember asking my mother when I would grow "a pee-pee like a boy's" only to be told I never would and that I would grow up to be a woman and not a man. I took it with a stiff upper lip then went off to cry in solitude at having my dreams dashed upon the rocks of reality.
As I got older and my body did it's thing I continued to get more frustrated. I've found myself wanting to cut off my breasts, or just right out kill myself so many times I've lost count. In the end I find myself curled up in the corner of my bed sobbing from depression for days on end. The longer I try to "be content with what God gave" me the more I hate it.
I get disgusted when I look in a mirror, showering turns my stomach because I have to not only look at my body, but touch it. I can't even appreciate compliments or attentions that are given to me based on my appearance. They just serve to make me more agitated with myself.
I recently decided to give in to what I am and go for it, but as stated before I have little to no support, and no one to turn to in my community. My mother mentioned that an old friend of her's had a boss that was a Trans, but I doubt I could convince her to take me to meet this person. I mean hell, she got pissed at me when I asked her which bra she thought would flatten my chest more, and got more angry when I told her that I hated my breasts.
My family has all but disowned my cousin for being a lesbian, and they have always had more tollerance for homosexual females than males, so I'm fairly certian that my choices would leave me without a home or family.
This is my life, welcome to it.
