Emotionally Hurting My Future SO . . .

[gina_taylor]

This thought has been recently on my mind. . .

My parents would love nothing more for me than for me to straighten out my life and marry a nice girl and raise a family so that I can carry on the family name. It still won't change who I am on the inside, and that is that I am a transsexual woman, and by prolonging myself will just drive me more insane.  So I don't want to have to get married to please my parents and then later tell my future wife that I'd rather be a woman and emotioanlly hurt her as well. Now on the other hand, we could have some children and low and behold, my future wife could bear only girls, now where would that put me in carring on the family name? 

Personally I'd rather find a nice man and settle down with him and if anything we'll either adopt or go the surrogate way.

Gina

[Dennis]

Your parents idea is the worst reason to marry and/or have children. Having children because you think you ought to or someone is telling you to is most emphatically not a reason to bring children into the world. I can't think of a better setup for child abuse or neglect.

If you want children the way you say you want children, with someone you love, have an honest relationship with, and are attracted to, then it doesn't matter whether they are genetically related to you.

If genetic relationship is important to you, try and see if you can have sperm samples frozen and go the surrogate route when your life is the way it should be.

Stick to your position, Gina. You're right, not them.

Dennis

[Cassandra]

it doesn't matter whether they are genetically related to you.

Fact is Gina that in as little as three generations there is only about a third of the original family progenetor's genes left. By the eighth generation there is no distinguishable DNA remaining. So as far as carrying on the family genes it is impossible. Stand your ground girl, don't let anyone dissuade you for species reasons. The only one who should make the final decision is you.

Cassie

[Shelley]

Hi Gina,

Your parents idea is the worst reason to marry and/or have children. Having children because you think you ought to or someone is telling you to is most emphatically not a reason to bring children into the world.

Have to agree with Dennis love si the reason we should marry not be cause anyone else believes we should. These decisions are yours to makeand now you will be independently supporting yourself you will be able to under less pressure.

Shelley

[Peggiann]

Gina,

It sounds as though your folks have tried yet another way to make you feel guilty and change your mind of the course upon which you have decided on. Ignore these ploys and go for the real thing.

You as you were ment to be and the man in your life will come. Do think and plan ahead for the day you can have children as and when you want them. Not a bad Idea as Dennis stated to have your sperm frozen for future use.

It is only for love you should marry your "Night-in-Shinning-Armor. Then only because you both want children you bring them into the world and into your lives by what ever means possible to you.

What if you would have had the female body at birth to have a child from? You would marry and your name would probably change and where would the family name be then? None of all that matters.

You on course becoming the woman you want to be and then your nice man comes along and then maybe the rest if it's meant to be, is all that matters and is all you should concentrate on.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[edit]Changed to Dennis who made comment about freezing sperm[/edit]

[Sarah Louise]

Take it from someone who did just that.  FORGET IT.

I married for my parents (I am not saying that I don't love my spouse, SO now since we don't sleep in the same room since I transitioned).

I didn't have any boys, so my family name dies with me (my brothers only son died in an automobile accident when he was 15).

Sarah L.

[Kimberly]

... so my family name dies with me...

I am probably more regretful of that than anything else. It hurts a whole damn lot actually. But, the name shouldn't have been mine in the first place. I shouldn't have been the fourth one. Life shouldn't have been the way it has been. Oh well. I can only bend so far and only do so much. In all probability my family name dies with me. That is exceedingly unkind.


But, it doesn't change a damn thing.


But more to the point, anyone that tells me how to marry or indeed how to live in any respect is on the fast track to my "I really don't care what you think/want" list. My life, not yours. So, with that thought in mind, who owns your life Gina?

[Shelley]

I think Gina,

That Kimberley "not really as quiet as a mouse all the time" has captured the essence of it all in her post.

Shelley

[gina_taylor]

Thanks girls for your wise and thoughtful comments.

I agree with you Dennis on your thoughts that it is a bad reason to marry and/or have children. I'm a student of the old school, and I'd really like to find someone that I can have an honest relationship and be in love with and  then have the children without the need for carring on a family name.

Interesting fact there Cassandra about generations. I will stand my ground. I was talking with my folks about this today and the best rebutal my dad could come up with is that he has a brother who has children, so technically I'm not the last of the line.

You know Shelley, I have a gut feeling that things will definately change for the better when I move out in two weeks. And I really do feel that I'll be under a lot less pressure as well.

That's a very good assumption there, Peggiann about my parents. My mom told me today that I will be looked after when they are dead and gone, but I won't have access to it freely. But yes, they are trying to make me feel guilty and trying so desperately to chaneg my mind about what I've decided to do. They've thrown just about everything at me, but there are still a few things left that they haven't done. My mom was telling me that 95% of the transitioning people that I know are retired or out of work for soem reason or another which makes it easy for them to transition. The question she's asked me is that when I transition and become a woman how am I going to get a job? There are some legal things that are still in the process for me, and it's m ore or less up to them to decide if they're going to go through with it or just wipe their hands clean and have me sent back.

I agree 100% with you Peggiann that I am who I was  ment to be and that the right man in my life will eventually come, as long as I'm patient. I'll definately will look into that excellent idea that Dennis came up with about having my sperm frozen for future use.

i was reading once that it's only common that a woman would take on the man's surname, but technically it's something that she doesn't really have to do. There are some women out there that keep their names or hyphenate.

I'm sure that there was some pressure there Sarah Louise. But I'm also sure that everything has worked out for the best. 

I guess I'd be in the same possition as you are, where my family name dies with me as well. At least I've given them a lot of food for thought.

That was very bold Kimberly, and it makes a lot of sense as well. Kudos to you!

You're absolutely right. When the family name dies, that's it. You just start a new blood line from there.

Right now anyone looking in may think that my parents own my life, but now that I'm moving out, I'm going to be breaking the control that they've had over me and I'm going to be building my INDEPENDENCE and FREEDOM and I'll be ENJOYING IT to the FULLEST!!! 

Gina

[Dennis]

The other thing, too, is that the child doesn't necessarily need to take the man's last name. I have friends whose first child has the woman's last name and the second will have the man's. There are enough families out there with children with different last names that it doesn't make a child feel odd anymore to have a different last name than his or her sibling.

And I've never figured out why single women would name the child after a father who was basically nothing but a sperm donor.

Dennis

[gina_taylor]

That's an interestsing theory Dennis about first children taking the woman's last name and the second taking the man's last name. It would be a little confusing within a family though.  But that's just my opinion. But that's another goo dpoint about sperm doners. A single mother shouldn't take the sperm doner's name for her child, but I do feel that she should use her own, and leave it at that.

You know Melissa, I could probably understand that your stepson was probably more comfortable with his first surname and so instead of changing it to a new surname he decided against changing it. How old is your stepson?

Gina

[Dennis]

It's certainly not a requirement and no longer raises eyebrows if family members have different last names. All having the same last name kind of stems from male "ownership" of other family members, so I think it's a refreshing change.

Dennis

[Alison]

theres always the option of hyphenating your name too... When I was a kid, I was so adament I'd never change my name when I got married :lol: ... But of course, when the time rolled around, I did... (and I'm that much happier for it, my name was Varieur... noone could pronounce it, or spell it... now I'm Smith! )

But what I did, was make my maiden name part of my middle name, So I'm Alison P. V. Smith.  (don't hunt me down please ) ... So I'll never lose that part of my family, (mainly my dad, and siblings), My parents are divorced, so we all have different last names anyway.

So when you find a guy to settle with, consider becoming Mr. and M(r)s. Taylor-Jones...

[gina_taylor]

Thanks for sharing Melissa. Family members with different last names can get lost in the mix, but it's their choice. Interesting choice there Alison. I guess that's one of the major problems when divorces are involved that the children are either going to have to take on the new name or stick wiith the old one. Something to consider though with hyphenating my name. I'm getting serious with a guy who has the last name of Savitz. How does Taylor-Savitz sound?

Gina

[Alison]

sounds good, has a good rythmn..

[Dennis]

Sounds good, Gina. It's a good compromise. You're lucky to have a name that would go well with a lot of other last names.

Dennis

[gina_taylor]

Thanks. Yeah it does have a good rythmn to it and I do guess that I am lucky that I do have a last name that does go well  with a lot of other last names. I was talking with my boyfriend last night and he told me that he's really serious in us getting our relationship going. 

Gina

[andi]

Let me see if I remember this properly:
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so would Juliet should she not be called retain that dear perfection that she doth own... What's in a name???  Some parents idea of what is stylish or qute?  We have a granddaughter who shares our last name - her mother married her biological father 4 years ago - she still has our name (thank goodness) he no longer lives in the home!!  Live by your beliefs - not your parents!!!

Love ya
Andi   

[gina_taylor]

Live by your beliefs - not your parents!!! That's a very good thought there Andi, and I will keep it in mind.

Gina