How do you deal with the stress?

[Brynn]

As I'm sure you're all aware, regardless of what winter holiday you celebrate, the Holidays are a very stressful time of year in and of themselves -- and even more so if you're trans and continuously being put in uncomfortable family situations. Case in point: Tonight, I had to go with my mother, sister, aunt, and aunt's step-daughter for a "girls' night out." I was miserable.

But Holidays aside, things have gotten really rough for me lately with regards to gender. I've finally asked my friends to start using male pronouns with me and Brynn instead of my far too feminine real name. This means that I'm starting to lean all that much more heavily on the male end of the gender spectrum.

How do you guys deal with the constant stress of gender dysphoria?

Therapy's not much of an option for me right now. I'm not comfortable opening up to a complete stranger who's more invested in my checkbook than feelings. (I'm aware I'll need therapy should I decide to transition, but that's another matter entirely.) I already talk to my other gender variant friends, particularly my fellow male-identified friend, but they're too busy to really hang out or anything during this time of year. As a I.

This sucks. Help?

[Lachlann]

Oh stress, do I know stress...

I'm not sure I've found a real way to cope, I just have periods of time where I can and can't deal which comes with embarrassing breakdowns. The thing is, if you're the type to have it build up and not notice it, it's very hard to kind of do damage control after the fact. And then you usually blow up over unnecessary stuff.

I guess the best thing you can do is try to be aware of your feelings. I think what has made stress worse for me is when I don't pay attention to myself or my needs, so make sure you're doing that. Keeping yourself occupied but not burnt out is another coping mechanism I do. Sometimes I'll focus on an activity for a certain period until I get a bit stressed over that and then I'll take a break and do something else, then come back to it, and that way I'm being stimulated positively rather than making more stress than necessary. You kind of want to make a balance of things. For me, I can't shut off my brain or a thought pattern, but I try to make most of my focus on something that isn't about gender issues. I think that's helped me the most.

[Arch]

You have my sympathies on the girls' night out...but can't you opt not to go to functions like that one?

Good for you on the pronouns and name--I hope your friends are doing a pretty good job in that respect. It can be a big help.

When I was out but pre-transition, I found immense relief in exercise.

I kept telling myself to take life one day at a time, but that was actually too much. Sometimes it was one hour at a time.

I found that it was helpful to have little things to do. I would make a list of tasks and try to do some of them. It might be as little as sending an e-mail to a friend or taking a shower or setting up the DVR to record a TV program. Once you cross a few easy things off the list, it can get easier to do a slightly bigger thing. And if you can stay busy off and on, that bites into the time that you would otherwise spend fretting or obsessing.

Therapy's not much of an option for me right now. I'm not comfortable opening up to a complete stranger who's more invested in my checkbook than feelings. (I'm aware I'll need therapy should I decide to transition, but that's another matter entirely.)

I feel I have to say something about this. First of all, a therapist may start out as a stranger, but trust builds over time (if not, find another therapist). Second, if you're having a hard time coping, you might find therapy helpful now. It's worth a shot, and a good therapist can help you decide whether to transition. You might not want to wait until you decide, on your own, to transition. And third, while I believe that some therapists are more interested in their livelihood than in their clients, I would never make that assumption about therapists in general. My therapist is a case in point. When I first I started seeing him, I wished I could come in three times a week, but he would not allow that. And recently, he offered to cut his fee for me because he knows I'm now unemployed. There may be some "bloodsuckers" out there, but not all therapists are like that.

And you can spend a lot of time getting virtual hugs here at Susan's, as you know.

[Silver]

How do you deal with the stress? You just do, I guess. Think of the future, and work for how you want that future to be.

[Alessandro]

I understand.  Here's my holiday story:  I've been working in the same shop I've worked in over the holidays for the last 5 years.  I am very happy there, everyone in the staff is calling my by my new name (Alex) but I haven't come out to them as transgender.  So I am still included in "girls will you do... ladies will you just..." etc.  I try not to let that upset me, because they don't know.  They are not trying to insult me. 

I think thats what we have to keep in mind.  People, in general, are just doing exactly what comes natural to them.  It hurts us, but they don't know that it does. 

Customers see me as a woman, despite the mens clothes and the binding.  So they socially interact with me as if I were comfortable as a woman.  Some men are jerks and (in the UK at least) will insist on calling me "love" "dear" "darling" whatever...  It is stressful (I even hated this when I wasn't so dysphoric and I know a lot of women comfortable in their gender hate it too).  When they do this, I grit my teeth and get on with it. 

Think of the money you're earning, the fact you are seeing friends or anything else BUT the dysphoric feeling.  It's hard and there are times you struggle with it, but there's nothing for it but to try and avoid thinking on it.  That's all the advice I can give!

[FolkFanatic]

Wow, do i ever hear you...

I'm not "out" to my parents (or family) yet so while that's one less thing to think about while interacting with them, it is also a little stressful to keep in. Not saying a THING until after this week is done and over. My best friend knows and is supportive, though. I just grin and bear everything that comes with keeping this a secret.

Oh, as for "girls night out" that usually in this family means SHOPPING. NO matter my gender i am a SHOP-A-HOLIC. That has not and will not change. So i happily go along with shopping trips (even though we end up in a free-for-all in the middle of the store when my mom sees my clothing selections.) 

So at this point i'm not stressed over the transition as much as i am over the holidays. I try to focus on little things to get me through this.

Like the fact i told my doctor and have an "ally" in her. Like the fact that i'll be starting therapy soon so i can more focus on the legal aspects of the transition (and how to tell my parents). Like the fact that i'll be starting T soon.

I look forward to those days instead of focusing on what's happening here and now (which sometimes leads to daydreaming.) 

Exercise helps otherwise - my spin class (which ended last week) would get me so focused on my body that i wouldn't be ABLE to stress out. And Yoga. I'm going back for the next spin class.... it seemed a great way to burn off some steam.

As for the holidays.... whew. More stress there than anywhere else. We're hosting dinner at my place this year and my mom is a total NUT. So far i've had to argue about assigned chores (they tried to dump all the cleaning on me and i said "Uh uh no WAY"), argue about christmas eve AND christmas day dinner (and who cooks it), argue about what i was going to wear ('No, thats a GUYS shirt", "but those look like guys shoes", "where did those pants come from"), argued about church ("but you HAVE to go", "what do you mean you get BORED").....

I swear, it's like we're a sitcom!

[Walter]

My mom likes to take me out shopping and stuff and she calls it "Girls day out"....I facepalm and think "It's ok, maybe someday she'll understand". That's about it

Nowhere in real life do people use male pronouns for me. At least they use one of my many names other than my birth name

[Arch]

Oh, as for "girls night out" that usually in this family means SHOPPING. NO matter my gender i am a SHOP-A-HOLIC. That has not and will not change.

Heh. I was once told by an FTM that...let me remember this right...well, it was something to the effect that it was all right for me to like shopping, that I didn't need to hate shopping to be a man. Something like that. But the thing is, I really do hate shopping. That has not changed, and I'm glad!!

Back to the subject at hand. Brynn, have you tried meditation, deep breathing, stuff like that? I don't do either one, but some people do and find it helpful.

[Brynn]

You have my sympathies on the girls' night out...but can't you opt not to go to functions like that one?

No, not really.

And as far as therapy goes, I'm really not interested in getting into that right now. Therapy's not my thing, so I'm not gonna do it until (or unless) I transition.

Thanks for the input btw guys. I appreciate it.

[fdfge]

i would definitely suggest excersize to deal with stress as well, a good workout always leaves me feeling good even if ive had a ->-bleeped-<-ty day.
on a side note (and not to change the topic) ive been seeing a therapist my whole life, could she "evaluate" or do w/e it is that needs to be done to get on t or is t a specific type of therapist that is required?
and back to the original topic, i have 3 sisters all obviously quite different from me and while i enjoy getting new clothes i feel your pain on the "girls day/night out" thing..

[Brynn]

i would definitely suggest excersize to deal with stress as well, a good workout always leaves me feeling good even if ive had a ->-bleeped-<-ty day.
on a side note (and not to change the topic) ive been seeing a therapist my whole life, could she "evaluate" or do w/e it is that needs to be done to get on t or is t a specific type of therapist that is required?
and back to the original topic, i have 3 sisters all obviously quite different from me and while i enjoy getting new clothes i feel your pain on the "girls day/night out" thing..

Yeah, I've been wanting to go work out, but I haven't had time at all with family in town and my usual workout buddy just as busy as I am.

[mL]

As school, parents, friends, the WORLD sees me as female, my girlfriend treats me like a guy, understands my feelings and always lets me know she knows who I am. The way she treats me is comforting and she's my only support currently. The stress of my dysphoria just disappears when I'm with her.

[Radar]

Stress. It's my middle name.

And recently, he offered to cut his fee for me because he knows I'm now unemployed.

They laid you off? I'm sorry to hear that Arch.

[Miniar]

I meditate, make sure I eat proper, remember what good I got (people & things), and so on..

And I take my time when I "need" it.. this is something that's been really hard for me to learn to do actually.
When you have mountains of work to do and only so much time, start by taking 5 minutes to just relax and get into a calm mindset. If you're frantic or panicky then you can't work as fast nor as efficiently. If you're calm and in control of yourself to the point where the situation doesn't "feel" out of control, then you get more done in less time.
Also, When the people around you are "too much", then taking 10-30 minutes to recoup will make you a far better person to be around and they won't feel as abrasive either. Worth every moment!

[tekla]

I use other people's medical marijuana.

[Brynn]

I use other people's medical marijuana.

I don't do drugs, alcohol, or tobacco dude.

[tekla]

I don't do drugs, alcohol, or tobacco dude.
Good for you, that's more for me.  And marijuana is routinely prescribed by doctors as a treatment/management tool for dealing with stress. (Its true, 'stress' is the number one reason for medical marijuana prescriptions in California, with 'insomnia' being #2, and trying harder no doubt.)  And god forbid, for as long as there have been 'holidays' that are about spending time with 'family' there have been a slew of wonderful alcohol-based cocktails going back to Mead and Mulled Wine designed to make that quality family time a bit more bearable.

Almost all Christian cultures have alcohol-based holiday specialty drinks going back hundreds, and in some cases over a thousand or more years old, so its not some revolutionary new idea that drinking helps make the holidays happier and less stressful.

[Brynn]

I don't do drugs, alcohol, or tobacco dude.
Good for you, that's more for me.  And marijuana is routinely prescribed by doctors as a treatment/management tool for dealing with stress. (Its true, 'stress' is the number one reason for medical marijuana prescriptions in California, with 'insomnia' being #2, and trying harder no doubt.)  And god forbid, for as long as there have been 'holidays' that are about spending time with 'family' there have been a slew of wonderful alcohol-based cocktails going back to Mead and Mulled Wine designed to make that quality family time a bit more bearable.

Almost all Christian cultures have alcohol-based holiday specialty drinks going back hundreds, and in some cases over a thousand or more years old, so its not some revolutionary new idea that drinking helps make the holidays happier and less stressful.

Trying to convince me to start drinking and doing recreational drugs really isn't going to help things. You're wasting your time, as well as in no way offering me a viable way to alleviate some of my stress.

[Arch]

Trying to convince me to start drinking and doing recreational drugs really isn't going to help things. You're wasting your time, as well as in no way offering me a viable way to alleviate some of my stress.

I think Tekla might be saying, at least in part, that drugs are how we define them. Birth control pills. Ibuprofen. Caffeine. Testosterone. Booze. Pot. Which ones are "drugs" and which are "medication"?

Heh. I remember a huge junior high drug assembly that I was forced to attend. The first question the presenter asked was, "How many of you use drugs? Raise your hand if you do." No hands went up. Then he said something like, "So, nobody here even takes aspirin?" The funny thing is that when he asked the opening question, I was thinking almost that very thing--"Well, I take cold medicine sometimes; does that count?" I was just being internally snarky, though. I sure as heck didn't raise my hand.

Brynn, I used to go for a drive before I came home from support groups and stuff like that. If it was nighttime, I could get on the freeway and just drive--and yell at the top of my lungs. Boy, it was good to get that out.

As a teenager, I used to do something very similar when my parents dragged me to football games. Yelling and screaming at ball games is a GREAT way of venting your frustrations. I highly recommend it. And you can do it in your own living room. Except I guess football is mostly over, so you'll have to choose a different game. But there are bowl games...

[Miniar]

Trying to convince me to start drinking and doing recreational drugs really isn't going to help things. You're wasting your time, as well as in no way offering me a viable way to alleviate some of my stress.

Doesn't look like anyone's trying to tell you what to do. Just telling you what they do. Tekla included.