A redefining of surgery that has helped empower me. Corrective, not cosmetic.

[june bug]

I was raised in the south, and thusly have had my mind warped in ways that have taken me a decade (and lifetime) to untangle emotional hang ups in regards to what it means to be a woman, trans, etc.

For the longest time I saw myself as being a man who wanted to be a woman, and thusly all the surgeries I wanted felt like luxury, self-indulgent, cosmetic procedures.

This mentality was, of course, the unfortunate symptom of being raised in a family and society that did not give me any kind of foundation to build my female identity on.

I can't say exactly what happened, more than likely a series of fortunate events, but sometime last year this amazing thing happened within me... I realized... like, truly became one with, the fact that I was never a boy... have never been.

I don't know.  It seems so plain now that I write it, but seriously... if you caught me a year ago I would have said that transpeople who "ignored" that they used to "be a guy" were delusional at best, but I realize now that was merely a projection of my own inability to accept myself for the person I've always been, a woman.

So anyhow, with this realization, which feels as though a reconnection with the core center of my true self vs. the person I was once living as, I have begun to reshape my thoughts on _everything_ in regards to my transition.

Most recently, especially since I am at the forefront of my major surgeries, I have begun to realize that these surgeries aren't some kind of luxury, cosmetic procedures, but rather necessary corrective ones.

... and that distinction has been an amazing force in my life as I deal with non-trans people who judge such things as being about beauty, or fakery.

I was born with a physical deformity I had NO control over, and as such, I feel I should be respected for my choice of surgical procedures the same way anyone else would who was born as such.

On the flipside, this realization helped me realize why I have always felt uncomfortable with being labeled as "trans", because ultimately I do not define myself, nor find "pride" in this transition, the same way I doubt many people feel "pride" for having to suffer with a physical defect all their lives.

I meditated on this idea for quite a while though, because I couldn't help but feel _some_ connection with other trans-people in a way that I did find a certain draw and power from.

The answer came to me a few weeks ago, as I was wracked with memories and emotions of a life lost to a falsehood driven into me by my family and a world what couldn't see me... I was trying to fall asleep, but couldn't because of the pain of reliving my youth as it was... the truth of all the lies... when a great calm overcame me.

I realized that what I share with other trans people is the suffering, and in that suffering is great pride.  Pride in sharing a life with others who daily face and overcome adversity in a way that few people would ever understand or might be able to do themselves.

So yeah... ha ha.  Where am I and why am I standing on this soapbox? 

[Megan]

Good for you!

Oh and I never thought of it like a necessity, but it's so true.

[rejennyrated]

Hi June bug. I think you will find that many of us, particularly those of us who were lucky enough to transition and have SRS early in life as I did, feel that we were never male, and indeed look on our surgery as corrective, so you aren't actually that unusual in that.

But at the same time we must all be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that just because we may have been exceptionally lucky, or have stuggled particularly hard, or perhaps have had a fantastically good result, that any others are any less genuine than we are.

In my eyes everyone on this board has a right to self define themselves however they want, without question. Although we all have different stories, and we tread different paths, and some think of themselves one way, and others another, every one of us here is equally valid in my eyes.

[gothique11]

Awesome, thnx for sharing.

[Nikki]

Love your writing approach. And congrats on the comforting realization that's apparently resulted in some clarity.

[Northern Jane]

I honestly didn't know what I was at the time of surgery but I knew what I wasn't - a boy. Through childhood I thought I was a girl but when that got beat out of me, I just felt like a freak. I never could pass for a boy and I wasn't really a girl so all that left was FREAK!

A year or so after surgery and slipping seamlessly into a normal life I looked back at my childhood and my years of confusion and I saws it altogether differently. I had come to think of myself as just another young woman and when I looked at my childhood I saw that I had responded to all the confusion and difficulties just the way any girl would have. That completely changed my understanding of my youth.