Trans success guilt

[gothique11]

I often get good comments from people. I sometimes feel like a rock star when I walk into a trans meeting, and even sometimes on line. I'm seen as successful in the terms of transitioning. Meaning, I get along very well being a woman, my self. Socially, I have few issues. Others tell me that I'm pretty, and I've had trans girls wish they looked like me, that they had my body, my hips, my voice even. I even get cis-gendered woman who get jealous of me. I'm seen as being "hawt."

If I'm with another trans person, say, in the mall, I watch the looks that they get. I don't get those looks. It makes me feel sad that they have so many problems. Sometimes I wish I could just fix it all for them. I just be a friend, however, in the best way I can. Sometimes it's a juxtaposition.

A month ago, or so, I was talking to another trans friend who had SRS years ago, at a younger age than me. She still gets "sired" sometimes (I don't see why she would) and she hasn't ever had sex before. No relationships at all. 7 or so years after SRS, nothing. Yet, before she told me that I was going on about my latest sexapade -- and trying to count on my fingers how many people I've been with in the last year and a half. And, honestly, I'd rather just have a good relationship than many (but I always end up in trouble, even when I try not to). I'm bad for going in and out of relationships, several in a year, in fact -- and outside of relationships being sexually active. I've been actually working on that, trying hard to hold back. Craving a moment where I'm not being hit on, and I'm being left a lone for a little while... craving a little less popularity. I tend to push people away at these moments, ironically getting more attention in the end.

In a way, I feel guilty. I look in the mirror, and sometimes I see myself as good looking, sexy, and all of that. But other times I look and I think I look aweful. I think I sound aweful. I wonder why ppl would even want to be around me. I wonder what makes me so attractive -- and I know it's not all looks, I just have a pull on people some how.

Others see me as confident. I'm not always so. I make friends easily. I have many friends. I get asked all of the time to go out. I have a social calendar, and during the week I'm asked to so many events and asked to hang out by so many people, I just can't make it everywhere. Boredom is a rarity for me. Most of my friends aren't trans. Socially, I have very few issues being a woman. To me, it's so second nature and to some it appeared as I just floated through transition with out much difficulty (there was difficulty, but, maybe not as much as some).

When I tried to attempt suicide, it was lost on many people why. I had so much. It's not like I was lonly, or had a lack of people who cared. It's not like people weren't attracted to me. There was shock with many people. People who saw me, especially, as an inspiration to them. Ironically, the attempt didn't disfigure that inspiration, but inspired more with my honesty.

I feel guilty, still. I keep questioning why did I have a much easier route than others? What did I do to deserve this? I look at my body, my waist, my fuller hips, my face in the mirror -- and I look at another trans girl, without these features craving for what I have. I wish I had a magic wand to help them. I see them as beautiful, yet, like me, they see the flaws and focus on them. Although, some people have compared me to an anorexic, all skin and bones but still feeling fat (I'm not anorexic, that's just a metaphor).

I watch as I see many ppl who still are in the local trans group still going, still not having many friends (and if so, it consists of the trans community). I don't go very often. I sometimes feel guilty going. I sometimes feel over whelmed by how I draw everyone to me, how everyone sees me as a rock star. I didn't ask to be a rock star. And, being a rock star, not only means that ppl like me, but I have people who hate me as well. People who want nothing but to see me torn down from some pedistal that I was put on, but never asked to be put on.

I don't pretend to be better than anyone else. I don't want to be. I just be myself. I never asked to be praised. I never asked to be someone's rock star. I don't know why things are different for me than many of the other transsexuals I've met.

I think I've only met, in person, a couple of girls like me. A couple out of the many, many that I've met. Usually there's a divide, from what I've seen, although I've always seem to be the nomad whom travels through the tribes. Usually the ones, I guess from my category, separate themselves and go on with life... the others seem to enjoy the trans community and are content with that. The worlds are different. I travel both, and I'm friends of both. Both sides, however, don't like the other side.

I've found that I've drifted a lot from the local trans community, but mostly because I don't feel like I belong there. I don't feel like I'm part of that click. My main click is, in reality, the cis-gender women that I hang out with. We go to the mall, we go to the clubs, we do what any other woman would do. It's a different world.

Many of my friends know about my trans past, because I'm open to those close to me... also, word travels fast so I'd rather educate than have people guess. Everyone seems cool about it.

Then, they run into other trans people -- and they are shocked. They even tell me that they are different. They are confused. They have no problem calling me by my correct gender -- in fact, the idea that I was ever biologically a male is something they have a hard time believing. Some friends even thought that I was making up the trans history, and it was some story I came up with. Then, when seeing other trans ppl, they get the gender wrong. They don't know what to say. They feel awkward around them. They then ask why I'm so different from the other trans ppl they might of encountered.

I don't know why I'm different.

[Dana_W]

When I tried to attempt suicide, it was lost on many people why. I had so much. It's not like I was lonly, or had a lack of people who cared. It's not like people weren't attracted to me. There was shock with many people. People who saw me, especially, as an inspiration to them. Ironically, the attempt didn't disfigure that inspiration, but inspired more with my honesty.

I feel guilty, still. I keep questioning why did I have a much easier route than others?

...

I don't pretend to be better than anyone else. I don't want to be. I just be myself. I never asked to be praised. I never asked to be someone's rock star. I don't know why things are different for me than many of the other transsexuals I've met.

Not to play armchair psychologist (though I kind of am in this case), but it sounds like you're suffering from a form or survivor guilt (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivor_guilt). It's not just about cases of life and death. It's about surviving a traumatic ordeal (i.e. transition) and coming away relatively unscathed while you see most others not being so fortunate. You feel spared by random chance, and wonder "why me?" You feel like you need to justify yourself, and then you feel like it's not fair... you didn't do anything special or different. It just... worked out like that.

If this has gotten intense enough to drive you to the brink of suicide, I would strongly urge you to seek professional therapy. Transition isn't "over" once you're able to pass. It continues your whole life as you work to overcome the legacy of your original gender dysphoria. Feeling such intense guilt sounds like that's one of the less fortunate hands you were dealt by your own transition, even if you had it so much better in more obvious ways.

Good luck!

[june bug]

You're not responsible for other people's happiness, only your own, and because this is _your_ life, you should enjoy it to the fullest, and spend time with people who feel the same way. 

[rejennyrated]

Not to play armchair psychologist (though I kind of am in this case), but it sounds like you're suffering from a form or survivor guilt (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivor_guilt).

Funnily enough I only just recently realised that I too am sufffering from exactly that, and for pretty similar reasons to Gothique11.

I have so much that few like us get to have had. SRS early (at a time when that was even more unusual), longterm loyal partner, family, no real hassles, great career, lovely gated home with land, private swimming pool and real private cinema, financial independence, some political influence. etc etc etc. I too drifted out of the trans community. In fact my partner and I cut oursleves off entirely, moved to somewhere new and burried ourselves in the local community where for many years no one knew or guessed our past.

Success like that does make one feel guilty.

But here is one sobering thought for those of you still lucky enough to have your youthful good looks. I was once considered reasonably good looking, but I'm now approaching old age. My looks are fading, my weight has gone up etc. I'm not old yet, but the first signs of decline are there and the fact is old age will come to us all eventually. At 50 I have to face the fact that I'm probably 2/3rd of the way through my life. Yesteryears young transitioner becomes today's old stager frighteningly quickly.

When you are young life seems like an eternity. But at 50 it starts to seem frighteningly short. So please don't waste your life in guilt. Enjoy it while you have it, and instead concentrate on trying to do your best to help those around you.

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Natalie, I don't really have many thoughts on what you said other than I really, really hope you are doing better and getting to a better place. Also, that people do judge other people, not just trans people, in general by their appearance, ability to communicate, and other outwardly things. For people to make assumptions about how easy you had it or how your transition must have been a breeze is potentially negating any losses you had. You had to come out like everyone else and had to potentially face losses of loved ones and friends and that is no picnic even if it went well for you. Your parents still lost a son and that probably wasn't what they were looking for. I hope that you stay strong and can lean on people when you need to I know I'd like you to stick around for a long time! Meghan

[Northern Jane]

When I was young I knew maybe a dozen others like me and knew of maybe a dozen more. During my teens I heard of a LOT of deaths, suicides, by people with this affliction, some of whom I had known personally.

When SRS first became possible, I was GONE and never looked back - I had been severely suicidal as well at that point. I lived a normal quiet life for well over 20 years before I began to wonder about those I left behind. I had "survivor's guilt" until I realized that there wasn't anything I could do about the other people, even the ones who didn't make it.

As far as being "successful" I feel no guilt about that at all. It cost me everything to get to transition at age 24 (1974) and I was as prepared as it was possible to be.

[gothique11]

Although things might "appear" easier for me, in many ways -- I had a lot of things to go through, too, and my own battles. My family still doesn't talk to me, except my mom. I also think that there's more pressure, too, sometimes, to perform better because you're seen as better by others. When others look up to you, you feel a sense of not wanting to let them down. And when others are jealous of you, hoping like waiting wolves you'll fall soon, you feel the pressure not to show weakness. Yet, it's nothing I asked for.

As for depression, I've always had that. Transition or not. It's clinical and transitioning doesn't change that. For some, it can, but not me. When I get depressed, however, people will get mad at me because they don't think I should be. Sometimes I get the impression from others, mostly in the trans community, that depression shouldn't be allowed. Yet, it's something I can't help -- it's clinical. I'm getting treatment for it, but that's my own battle. I think it's awesome when someone goes onto HRT and transitions and it's gone for them. Sometimes I get the impression from others that I must be a "fake" because I still have depression (although, none about my gender). Sadly, as much as people sometimes look up to me, there's also the dichotomy of those trying to tear me down. Sometimes the trans-community can be the most vicious judges.

[Janet_Girl]

Hugs Natalie.  All of us, trans or not, go through depression.  Some seek help for it, others give in.  You seek it out.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Keep seek the help out, Hon.  We don't want to lose such a true friend.


Janet

[Asfsd4214]

I sometimes feel a bit like that when I talk about how much I want to kill myself (not literally) for having waited so long to transition. I was 20 just turning 21 when I started transition. And I feel a bit guilty complaining about it when so many others didn't start until their 30's, 40's, 50's, even 60's and higher.

But, being guilty about this stuff doesn't really make sense. No matter how good or bad transition is or isn't, none of us choose to be this way, and in comparison to many in the cisgender world, and not unlike a lot of other birth disorders, we all got screwed over from day 1. Life's not fair, it's just not, there's always going to be people more and less fortunate than any given person.

[mmelny]

All I can add is that you cannot feel guilty for moving forward on your own life path, and being successful at it!  Relish in your success, enjoy your victories, and try not to make them hollow.  I find myself succumbing to these feelings that you describe, at times.

In my mind I had transitioned 10 years ago, but had never left the house "presenting" that way until 2.5 years ago.   But when I did, I hit the "go" button on transition, and life has never moved faster for me.  I met women and TG's at every edge of the gender spectrum, across North America, some TS, some transitioning, some perpetually transitioning over a period of time that could be measured in decades, with no end in sight.  I made friends of all, I have no discrimination with gender determined-ness being a dictate for friendship. 

They watched me, I told them my timetable and my 'project plan', and many remarked on how quick it was.  It seemed like many trans women want to make this a race, and use comparison of their peers as their measure for their own personal transition.   I just wanted to make transition quick, not lingering in a half state that I certainly have little appreciation for.   I hated getting remarks of "you are so lucky", and "I envy you", etc...  To others it appeared I transitioned without sacrifice, and that it was all so easy for me.    Every one has their own reasons for not getting to where they want to, and for many they seem to be excuses, of blaming others or the world for their own situations in life.  I would lend a sympathetic ear, or even feel guilty that I was making life work with me, and also counting my blessings that it seemed to flow well, when it hasn't for others.  And I DO feel bad for my brothers and sisters that haven't accomplished their goals so easily, but I cannot feel guilty.  Like anyone I've paid my prices... My father is lost to me, friendships greater then 3 years are pretty much gone.  Reconciliation with family that does acknowledge me is slow but recumbent. 

"But it was easy".  Blah, do not feel the guilt, be proud of you, and help those of your friends that need it and are truly willing to help themselves, but not to the point it makes you feel bad about yourself when they have their failures, as you are who you are, a beautiful person with much to contribute.  I truly hope you find your inner peace and happiness.  I have the bouts with depression, but I'm lucky in they aren't lingering, (transition hasn't cured those, but the highs are much better and long lasting )   Find your support network and use it, please.

*huggs*,
Melan

[Alyssa M.]

Natalie, I think that you could take out all references to being trans in that post, and it would ring true for an awful lot of women. Feeling guilty for being beautiful, especially among less attractive women? Being put on a pedestal and knocked down? Seeing only your flaws, however few, when you look in a mirror? Feeling a lot less confident that people see you? Check, check, check, and check.

Also, people think you rock mainly because you rock: you are emotionally open, not closed off; you present and express yourself well; and you tend to be kind rather than sarcastic. There's nothing wrong with people who aren't like that -- some of my favorite people in the world are very private, or awkward, or snarky (usually not all three at the same time) -- but people who share your qualities tend to be a blessing to those around them just by being themselves, regardless of any personal struggles they might have.

[gothique11]

Thnx everyone... And no, I'm not suicidal about having trans guilt (not sure where that's coming from). I didn't try to off myself because of it -- when I tried to do that (earlier this month), there were other reasons.

My depression now isn't as bad as it was then. I'm living in a better place, and I'm on some new antidepressants. So far, the anti-d's seem to be working well over all. I am, and have been, seeking help. Still waiting on therapy. My psych doc wants me to go to DBT, but the wait list here is 2 years. I've been in the list for a couple of months so far. In the mean time, I'm looking at some place that has a sliding fee scale for just a therapist (private). It can help tie me over. I've been through therapy a lot, but sadly, I'm not good at sticking with it and I can appear to be pretty good and think that things are going good so I either stop going or they stop seeing me. DBT is supposed to be what I need, actually. It sux that it's not really available here, and funding cuts to psych stuff keep the lists longer and longer, as demand gets more and more intense. They don't even have it available privately (which would cost a fortune! Which I don't have).

[Naturally Blonde]

I often get good comments from people. I sometimes feel like a rock star when I walk into a trans meeting, and even sometimes on line. I'm seen as successful in the terms of transitioning. Meaning, I get along very well being a woman, my self. Socially, I have few issues. Others tell me that I'm pretty, and I've had trans girls wish they looked like me, that they had my body, my hips, my voice even. I even get cis-gendered woman who get jealous of me. I'm seen as being "hawt."

I've never been to a 'trans meeting' but I think the best acid test is to be in a meeting with 'boilogical females'. If you get compliments from biological females unknown to them that you are trans, then you are definitely winning.

Trans people tend to compliment each other too easily anyway which doesn't really help anyone who is transitioning with a view to being excepted as a female.

[gothique11]

I've never been to a 'trans meeting' but I think the best acid test is to be in a meeting with 'boilogical females'. If you get compliments from biological females unknown to them that you are trans, then you are definitely winning.

Trans people tend to compliment each other too easily anyway which doesn't really help anyone who is transitioning with a view to being excepted as a female.

yeah, I get it -- but despite that. Despite having few problems (I can't even remember last time I got sir, either in person or on the phone), I still find that I continually doubt myself. I don't think I look great at all, nor do I think I sound great. In fact, part of me is in shock that I don't have people chasing after me with bats calling out ->-bleeped-<-... or, I guess even less violent, calling me sir.

So, why do I get away with things? I'm horrid looking and I sound just as horrid. *sigh* So, you'd see why I'd feel guilty if I'm not really trying, I keep some how "passing." And, really, part of me really feels that I don't deserve that. I look in the mirror, and it's scary. I hear my own voice (say, on my YT vlogs) and I'm already making a noose. I just don't get why I'm some how blending in with the rest of society, when surely, there are much better deserving ones than me -- I see other trans women working hard, and I think they look and sound great... then they get a sir, and are seen as being "men in dresses." Yet, they are amazing!

Post Merge: December 30, 2009, 12:15:47 AM
And then, to top that off, the amount of people that hit on me who don't know about me. Some how finding my broken self attractive. I'm in a relationship almost all of the time (sadly, lots but quick ones). Then I see my wonderful sisters, who are much better than I in many ways, being so lonely. I question why I'd get the attention over someone else. Blah.

[Janet_Girl]

Natalie.  Natalie.  Natalie.  Stop worrying about something that you have nailed.  If the gods grant me access to the other side of the looking glass, I would be proud to look and sound half as good as you, Sis.

You, dear child, are a woman.  Not a '->-bleeped-<-'!.  Not a 'sir'.  And definitely not 'a guy in a dress'.

You just have a bad patch, Sis.  Tomorrow is a gift, enjoy it.


Hugs and love,
Janet

[gothique11]

No, I have no doubts about being a woman, I was just saying how other people treat my sisters and how unfair it is. In the spectrum of womanhood, I don't question that -- that's just what/who I am. Still doesn't mean that I don't get it into my head that I look or sound horrid.

[Janet_Girl]

I remember when I first started even part time.  I was in a low place.  I looked in the mirror and all I saw were problems.  Flat chested, no hips, no behind, five o'clock shadow.  All those problems I would never pass, let alone blend in.

I looked at my meds and began to think about death again, but instead I took a nap.  And in a dream, this woman came to me.  She looked familiar, but I did not recognize her.  She asked me "What if you were born female and still had all these problems?  All the women on your mother's side have had them.  What would you do?".  Then she left.  I woke up and thought no more about it.

Just before I went full time, I took a little extra girl time.  I was on vacation and just wanted to feel special.  After I got dressed, I looked in the mirror and there she was staring back at me.  I realized that with everything that was wrong, I still had that certain attitude.  I quit looking at what was wrong and began to look for what was right.

As I looked for those 'right' things, I realized others saw the brightness that was growing.  And they treated me differently.  I became part of the inner circle of womanhood.  I no longer hear if my voice isn't right, I just accept it as it is.  Yes I am a little deep, but so is a good friend of mine.  I am still built like a boy from the boobs down, but those can be hidden.  But I get those flirting looks from guys, and that makes me feel good about me.

You are on of the women I look up to.  I know you wonder why.  Because you are an attractive woman, bright and intelligent.  You have that brightness.

And I meant no offense, Dear Sister.


Huggles,
Janet

[gothique11]

thnx, no offense taken. I just get into these moods... the BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) stuff. I can go from being very confident and happy to having no confidence and be all gloomy. It switches just like that. Black and white. It's almost like different personalities, but not.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see my self as attractive, and that my voice sounds perfect. Everything is perfect. I'm confident, I'm witty, I'm out going... I'm all of the good things. Then, bam, it goes the opposite direction, no confidence, gloomy, avoident... it's kinda weird, eh? I don't get much gray between the black and white, not matter how hard I try. Worse, this can happen several times a day, but sometimes it lasts a couple of days. Mood regulation is common with BPD. It's just not mood regulation, but the moods distort your thinking and perception.

Been getting some help, and trying to find more... not easy to do that here, since some of the specialty therapy I need has a very long wait list which has gotten much longer thanks to more government cuts. Even if I could afford a private rout, there's no one specializing in that route here, or the DBT courses that are supposed to help me. (Yes, I'm in the wait list for DBT, been so for a few months, my psych doc was supposed to put it in last year, but forgot before she left for maternty leave... leaving me 10 months behind). For therapy, I found a place that has a sliding-fee based on how much you can make, so I can get in there... they don't specialize in it, but they might be able to help tie me over until I get the right stuff.

thnx again. I'm trying... it's a constant battle.

[Alyssa M.]

It can be comforting to read your own thoughts coming from other people, so if only for that, thanks for posting, Natalie.

I describe the weird switching of what I see when I look in the mirror as something like a Necker Cube. A friend of mine suggested the word palimpsest, which is also really descriptive, since the history of how I have seen myself in the past affects how I see myself today so strongly. I still maintain that plenty of cis women feel much the same way, though the trans issues aren't there, perhaps replaced by other unhealthy ways to view your own body.

I'm not satisfied with just being a plain woman. That's something I need to deal with. But for one moment in my life, I want to be able to see myself and know that I'm beautiful. I told this to a friend of mine, a cis woman. She said, "so does every other woman in the world." And that jibes pretty well with the way lots of other women have said they felt about themselves.

--

As to the original question, I have to admit to some feelings of guilt myself. I have had so many opportunities, so much support in life, education, etc., and a good family and absolutely amazing friends. I have a reasonably feminine body and facial features, masculine enough to drive me nuts, but feminine enough to get by fine in everyday life, and I have a really good social environment and, I must admit, a quite privileged background. Not private-school/beach-house/ski-cabin-in-Aspen privilege, but privileged enough. So I haven't had to face nearly the same obstacles that many here and many I have met have had to face in order to transition. So why is it still so damn hard? I know, it's a dumb question, but that's the guilt speaking.

Okay, I'll stop blathering now.

[K8]

Natalie,
I sometimes feel I am one of the luckiest people on earth.  It seems like I've had one of the easiest transitions on record, yet it has been a real struggle at times.  There were a few times that I felt I should go to a bar in town where I know with little effort I could get into a fight and be badly beaten.  And then I would realize how stupid that would be.

I've found my good fortune to be very humbling.  I try to remember that many are not as fortunate.  The gifts I've been given have made me very grateful.  All I know to do is to try to give some imperfect gifts of my own to others.

*hugs*
Kate