Twisted Thinking

[gothique11]

I was reading this on a BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) recovery site. I have some examples from when I was in the hospital, as well, but this is a complete list. I was going over this list, and of course, I do a lot of this without even realizing it (and for me, it can be very extreme). I also noticed, however, that a lot of other trans people sometimes have distorted or self-destructive thinking (I really don't like the word twisted, 'cause it sounds sinister, but self-destructive thoughts sounds better and more descriptive to me).

Anyway, reading through this list a few times this morning, I realize that there are a lot of trans people who have issues with self-destructive thinking, and can relate to a few things on this list.

For example: "I will never pass." and "my shoulders are too big, so I can't possibly pass or blend in." "My voice sounds so awful, so everyone is going to see me as a fake."

I thought that this is very important to share in hopes to benefit others here. Afterwords, I'm going to also include the 10 steps to unravel this thinking. Again, all BPD related, however, I think that everyone, BPD or not, has done this before and I think GID also plays into self-destructive thinking. I think that realizing and working on not letting self-destructive thinking take over will help others transition more smoothly. So, here goes:


The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking
From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. © 1989


1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.

Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."

7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.



Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking
From "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns, M.D. © 1989


1. Identify The Distortion: Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine The Evidence: Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking In Shades Of Grey: Although this method may sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a scale of 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you feel that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself 'inferior' or 'a fool' or 'a loser,' ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you realize that there is no such thing as 'a fool' or 'a loser.'

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for 'should statements.' Instead of telling yourself, "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-Benefit Analysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), a negative thought (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up"), or a behavior pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the cost benefit analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

[Laura91]

I hate to say it but I have done everything on that list.

[gothique11]

haha, so have I. This is stuff they teach in CBT (I took that years ago). CBT = Cognitive behavioral therapy. I do some of it still, but I'm bad for up keeping. DBT is the new one, it's CBT + some other newer stuff, actually taken from some Buddhist teachings (such as awareness) DBT = Cognitive behavioral therapy. DBT here is a very long wait list (2 years). CBT and DBT is actually good for a lot of things and a lot of people.

The trick is realizing your thinking, and trying to look at it and turn self-destructive thoughts, or behaviors, into constructive and positive thoughts and behavior.

For example, instead of saying, "My shoulders are too big, so I couldn't possibly pass." Instead, go through the list of ways to unravel that, and say, write down things that are possitive about yourself... "I have nice cheek bones, and my legs are pretty hawt!"

Things don't change over night, but with practice you get better at it. It takes effort. For me, with BPD, it takes a lot of effort and I often end up stopping. People with depression this also applies. CBT is useful with depression. I think it also applies to many with GID, because of GID a lot of issues, such as depression, are an outcome. Years of having to deal with GID, you're more than likely to have at least depression, as well as possible other issues.

[Janet_Girl]

How many of us have went through everyone of those.  I know I have, and from things I have read I have learned to change things.

I think that everyone need to read this thread.  This is a positive thread that most if not all of us need to apply to their transition and their lives.


Thank You for sharing Natalie.


Janet

[FairyGirl]

I've been guilty of a lot of that myself. According to my therapists I suffer from PTSD, but much of it applies the same. These are the ways we create the reality we live in every day. We do have a lot more control over it than we realize, if we can catch ourselves falling into these traps. Thanks for the post

[Hannah]

We do have a lot more control over it than we realize, if we can catch ourselves falling into these traps

That's the tough thing about twisted thinking though, it's hard to escape from. Even now I have doubts about myself, others, and thoughts that I hold to be completely true; even though a version of that list and my therapist have identified them to be distorted thoughts arrived at through flawed processes. I don't completely get it either, but supposedly at some point the process of consciously identifying and untwisting thoughts makes them stop recurring. I hope so, because people being treated with that list are taking an awful lot on faith. DBT seems to be a good co-treatment, and I think it's shameful that you have to wait two years to get into a group. Are the people of Canada really that nuts or is there like, only one part time facilitator there?

Natalie there's something else you might try. When I declared a major in Psych all the alternative psychology people piled on me to try and save me from wasting my time with modern medicine, lol, and I mean everyone from evolutionary psychologists to scientologists. The one thing that has helped me, more than all the other stuff combined (individual therapy, group dbt, LOTS of drugs) was Rapid Eye Therapy also known as EMDR. It won't be long before someone comes along and tells you it's quackery, so I can just give you my personal testament. It made such a difference to me that I've actually enrolled in the classes and I plan to integrate it into my practice when I graduate. In a nutshell, through various techniques you access the parts of your brain that are holding the pain, trauma, or whatever, and with a little psychological voodoo and some hard work you process it. I don't think it's a replacement for psychotherapy, not by a longshot, but I personally know it helps.

I'm not sure I should post the link, because it's not mainstream psychology. There is a practitioner in Toronto:       

Sylvia (Sitara) Maldonado, MRET, RYT
416-421-2220

A lot of times the ret is supported with (free) classes that very closely resemble dbt. People don't learn this skill and succeed at it for the money, they learn it to help others...so if you are poor don't be afraid to ask her for a sliding fee.

[FairyGirl]

That's the tough thing about twisted thinking though, it's hard to escape from.

which is why lists like this are good to have to keep reminding us of those traps. Thanks again for the post, I'm going to bookmark it.

distorted thoughts arrived at through flawed processes.

I think you've just describe the entire previous 8 years administration of the US lol

[tekla]

I think you've just describe the entire previous 8 40 years administration of the US lol

FIFY

[gothique11]

Thnx, yeah, it's a good list. I found it and thought it would be great to share.

@Becca I live in Calgary, Alberta -- way on the other side of Canada from Toronto. LOL I've never even been to Toronto.

The reason stuff isn't as available here is that our provincial government has slashed and cut a lot of health stuff, especially anything to do with psychiatric care (haha, 'cause they figure the "crazies" won't stand up and they don't matter). A province is like a state in the US.

They got rid of both psychiatric institutions (one was icky, good riddens, but one had the best programs in the country -- I went there 9 years ago, and it was good but seen too expensive to give quality care). Psychatric beds have been cut like mad fish out of the hospital wards (more than half). Stays have been shortened extensively. For example, after my suicide attempt I only spent 4 days in the psych ward -- 3 days is average, max is now a month, but rare unless you are completely out of touch in reality (in which, when your time is up, you're thrown on the streets... help for the homeless has also been cut).

It's the same provincial government that just cut SRS this year ('cause they saw SRS as unnecessary -- with out even asking a doctor about it, especially at the gender clinic, which was already suffering a back log with previous cuts and only having one doctor for all of Alberta). They cut seniors stuff, youth suicide prevention programs, lots of education cuts.

But, on the bright side, the government all got a nice big raise and a nice big bonus this year. *sarcasm*

The rating for the provincial government is now at 15%, lowest in the country. Yet, this province is technically the "richest" province.

Other provinces have kept on with funding SRS (BC) or re-instating it (Toronto), worked harder for education, better social programs, etc, etc... the poor provinces. Ironically, doing so spiked their economy. Also, they aren't running as much as a deficit as Alberta. Also, their (the other governments) not even giving themselves huge enormous raises and bonuses. Crazy, happy people getting a better education, not living on the streets, and getting better health care actually equals a better economy vs cutting and slashing everything possible, especially from anyone one seen as vunerable. Crazy, this should be thought in economics classes -- wait, it is, they just cut that out of the education system here, and wanna dumb us down so we can vote for them again.

Were (Alberta) running a deficit, much bigger than other provinces. Alberta has "rejected" environmental change (and actually gave more funding to dump toxic waste into the land, from the oil fields, and produce more pollution -- yes, we're funding pollution now, and killing off lakes!).

No wonder out of all of the places in Canada, Former President Bush decided to visit here -- my city... because we're seen as the only place in Canada that fits his ideals. He felt safe here. (Bush has visited here several times, and stayed here during the G8). Of course, and visiting earlier this year. I believe Rice came here as well, a couple months after Bush did. All of Bush's friends love it here. *grrrr*

I actually went to protest when he came. We through shoes at a huge poster of him propped up with a wooden backing. It was fun. Also, neat to see that the FBI were watching, same with cops, and snipers on the sky scrapers (yes, I fingered the snipers... and Bush deserved two fingers, one from each hand. haha!) Sadly, the protest wasn't very big, we had pro-bush protesters, too. Nothing really violent (we're not very violent here in terms of protests). Well, okay, the only violent protests have been from the Neo-Nazi's fighting with the Anti-Neo-Nazi's.... we're pretty much the only place in Canada that allows, and protects, Neo-Nazi's right to hold a march down the street, yell out hate slurrs, and then go visit schools to hand out white pride pamphlets. Although, a few have been arrested, most recently for making and detonating a bomb... probably out in a few months with cuts to the court systems, police, and the correctional system.

Anyway, Blah, I'm ranting like mad here. Haha! Sorry... (And no, the countrie's (Canada's) prime minister (President) isn't any better, he's from my city, Calgary -- I'm ashamed that he's from here. He's pretty awful, too, although I'd say the premier of the province (State) is actually worse). Our Prime Minister went into office vowing to get rid of same-sex marriage; thankfully, after trying he didn't succeed legally... unlike California (what a shame that is).

Okay, okay, no more ranting.

[Lachlann]

Ontario isn't much better when it comes to what it covers. They cover psychiatrists and not psychologists, amongst other things. People threw a fit over here when SRS got covered again, demanding that we shouldn't have it covered because apparently transgender people are 'sick and twisted' and they wanted their hip surgery covered instead. And you know what it's only covered by? CAMH. Great, one of the biggest enemies toward people like us. And it's not BS either, I've talked with someone who helps people recover from abuse from that institute, I have no idea why it's still operating. It's considered very shady as is.

I don't know, I think every province has it's ups and downs. At least Calgary was dubbed cleanest city in the world, but you're right about the pollution. I think Harper isn't nearly as bad as he was at first, but I'd still prefer someone else.

[Hannah]

Why the heck did I think you were in Toronto. Alberta, Ontario, whatever...who do you think you are anyway don't you know there is no world outside us borders? Sorry I fail at stalking I guess.

Anyway here ya go, lots closer to home lol:
Peggy McNabb RN, MRET, Cert. Mediator, EFT - ADV
Phone: (403) 327 5805
email: peggymcnabb@shaw.ca

Spending the first part of her career in the medical model, she quickly realized that their answers to physical pain, disease and illness was a drug and surgery approach.  This method is expensive, sometimes dangerous and time consuming and has little to do with actual prevention or cure. The Center for Disease Control acknowledges that over 85% of all diseases have an emotional component, so believing there had to be a better way, her search lead her to Rapid Eye Technology and Emotional Freedom Techniques.  These models of treatment offer permanent healing and personal empowerment that dramatically change lives.

I rather like the medical model in conjunction but yeah anyway.

[gothique11]

Sux about Ontario -- haha, I guess it's to BC then. LOL They still cover surgery. The same thing is here, they cover psychiatrists (which are hard to find these days), but not psychologists. I finally found a place that goes based on a sliding fee scale for therapy with a psychologist. When I first started transitioning, I saw a psychologist, at the cost of $170/h (visit). I saw him twice, and realized I couldn't visit him every week (like he wanted) and do that for three months before he wrote a letter to a doctor saying he recommends HRT. So, I just walked into a walk-in clinic and said I needed my HRT refilled and I got it, no questions asked. I guess that's one benefit of over worked doctors, and with so many walk-in only clinics... it's easy to find ones that don't care and just will fill out what you would like them to fill out. I was already FT then, but on no meds. And, in the end, it was much, much cheaper to just do it that way, then go with a money sucking psychologist when I didn't have much money to spare. Plus, I didn't end up having to try to look for non-legal ways. Just hop in, say I wanna refill, and there you go. Ninja style!

[GamerJames]

Thnx, yeah, it's a good list. I found it and thought it would be great to share.

@Becca I live in Calgary, Alberta -- way on the other side of Canada from Toronto. LOL I've never even been to Toronto.

The reason stuff isn't as available here is that our provincial government has slashed and cut a lot of health stuff, especially anything to do with psychiatric care (haha, 'cause they figure the "crazies" won't stand up and they don't matter). A province is like a state in the US.

They got rid of both psychiatric institutions (one was icky, good riddens, but one had the best programs in the country -- I went there 9 years ago, and it was good but seen too expensive to give quality care). Psychatric beds have been cut like mad fish out of the hospital wards (more than half). Stays have been shortened extensively. For example, after my suicide attempt I only spent 4 days in the psych ward -- 3 days is average, max is now a month, but rare unless you are completely out of touch in reality (in which, when your time is up, you're thrown on the streets... help for the homeless has also been cut).

It's the same provincial government that just cut SRS this year ('cause they saw SRS as unnecessary -- with out even asking a doctor about it, especially at the gender clinic, which was already suffering a back log with previous cuts and only having one doctor for all of Alberta). They cut seniors stuff, youth suicide prevention programs, lots of education cuts.

But, on the bright side, the government all got a nice big raise and a nice big bonus this year. *sarcasm*

The rating for the provincial government is now at 15%, lowest in the country. Yet, this province is technically the "richest" province.

Other provinces have kept on with funding SRS (BC) or re-instating it (Toronto), worked harder for education, better social programs, etc, etc... the poor provinces. Ironically, doing so spiked their economy. Also, they aren't running as much as a deficit as Alberta. Also, their (the other governments) not even giving themselves huge enormous raises and bonuses. Crazy, happy people getting a better education, not living on the streets, and getting better health care actually equals a better economy vs cutting and slashing everything possible, especially from anyone one seen as vunerable. Crazy, this should be thought in economics classes -- wait, it is, they just cut that out of the education system here, and wanna dumb us down so we can vote for them again.

Were (Alberta) running a deficit, much bigger than other provinces. Alberta has "rejected" environmental change (and actually gave more funding to dump toxic waste into the land, from the oil fields, and produce more pollution -- yes, we're funding pollution now, and killing off lakes!).

No wonder out of all of the places in Canada, Former President Bush decided to visit here -- my city... because we're seen as the only place in Canada that fits his ideals. He felt safe here. (Bush has visited here several times, and stayed here during the G8). Of course, and visiting earlier this year. I believe Rice came here as well, a couple months after Bush did. All of Bush's friends love it here. *grrrr*

I actually went to protest when he came. We through shoes at a huge poster of him propped up with a wooden backing. It was fun. Also, neat to see that the FBI were watching, same with cops, and snipers on the sky scrapers (yes, I fingered the snipers... and Bush deserved two fingers, one from each hand. haha!) Sadly, the protest wasn't very big, we had pro-bush protesters, too. Nothing really violent (we're not very violent here in terms of protests). Well, okay, the only violent protests have been from the Neo-Nazi's fighting with the Anti-Neo-Nazi's.... we're pretty much the only place in Canada that allows, and protects, Neo-Nazi's right to hold a march down the street, yell out hate slurrs, and then go visit schools to hand out white pride pamphlets. Although, a few have been arrested, most recently for making and detonating a bomb... probably out in a few months with cuts to the court systems, police, and the correctional system.

Anyway, Blah, I'm ranting like mad here. Haha! Sorry... (And no, the countrie's (Canada's) prime minister (President) isn't any better, he's from my city, Calgary -- I'm ashamed that he's from here. He's pretty awful, too, although I'd say the premier of the province (State) is actually worse). Our Prime Minister went into office vowing to get rid of same-sex marriage; thankfully, after trying he didn't succeed legally... unlike California (what a shame that is).

Okay, okay, no more ranting.

Hey Gothique,

I'm in Edmonton, so I feel your pain about the SRS cuts. And the "only one gender specialist for the whole province" problem too. I'm thinking of asking my family doctor to refer me to an endo instead of waiting the 12-18+ months it takes to get in to see Dr. Warneke. Do you think that getting T might work similarly to how you walked in and got your E script?

[gothique11]

It might. LOL I'm not sure. I think I just really lucked out, actually. I just knew the perscription and stuff, and also presenting and female probably also helped... and making up a story about how my other doc is out of town, I ran out and stuff, probably also helped. It might of been seen as underhanded (indeed, I got other trans people very upset over it), but, at least I got my HRT and didn't have to wait a year plus, and risk finding not-so-legal meds.

I know others here who have stared without going to Warneke... Warneke doesn't get mad if you start HRT before.

There's a lot of people in the trans community that can probably direct you to a doctor who will probably give you T. There's a doc here that will do it, and monitor you as well. It's a different doc then I went to to get the first script for a few months, but then I found this one doc and now everyone is seeing him for HRT.

I know there are a few docs in Edmonton like that, for sure. Do you have any connections the Trans-men up in Edmonton? I know I've heard of a few docs that are willing to do the HRT. I think there's an Endro, too -- but I don't know his name.

The Endro here, I believe, has stopped seeing trans people. I saw him once, just as a second opinion (asked warneke, who didn't feel I needed to see him, but agreed if I wanted a second opinion). The Endo here was useless... I really don't know of anyone in the trans community that sees him regulariy and often turn to a few GP's here who are a little better than the Endro. Just because someone is an Endro, it doesn't mean they know a lot about HRT for the trans person. The one local GP here, actually has made that his side-interest and has worked with the trans community before. He has experience with HRT for trans people, and he's decent. Warneke knows him, too, and actually recommends him... he's only a GP, but has the experience. But, he's here in Calgary. I believe there's someone in Edmonton that's decent, too... from what I hear.

[GamerJames]

I'm glad to hear that Warneke doesn't mind if you're already on HRT. At least that way I might be able to start T while waiting to see him.

I only know a couple of trans guys in person, one who's pre-T and the other lives in Calgary. lol

But I think if I do my homework, I might be able to find a way. That being said, I first have to come out to my kids and their dad (my ex). That's next on my list, but it's a really big scary jump, as my ex and his fiancee are really closed-minded rednecks who already see me as "the evil lesbian"... I'm really not looking forward to how they'll take it. And I'm even worried that they may use my gender identity against me with the kids. Sigh