So, here's the note I posted when I started my new profile and wanted to explain to everyone why they were being added by someone named James with my pic. lol
Here goes (it's a long one):
Some of you may be coming to my profile wondering who this "James W[redacted]" is that has a picture of who you know as "S[birth name] W[redacted]" (or S[birth name] N[redacted]) in his profile and why he's added you as a friend. I want to take this chance to explain, as I haven't had the opportunity to do in person with many of you.
I have recently come out as a FTM (female-to-male) transperson. The basics of this mean that I am a guy who was born in a girl's body. I was raised as a girl, and spent 30 years of my life feeling that I had to live as biology had determined and be the person everyone expected and wanted me to be.
For many transpeople, their internal feeling of discord at being in the "wrong" body (for them) has meant that they've spent most of their life fighting conventional gender norms and stepping outside the box when it comes to how they present themselves and live their lives. I really admire the individuals who have such a strong sense of self and their own worth that they've been able to navigate the challenges of being a transperson with authenticity right from the get go.
I however, have always been the type of person who cared so much about what everyone around me thought and felt. I've always strived to make everyone happy and try to avoid conflict or being "different" at any cost. I've always felt that everyone else knows better than me and therefore have doubted my own feelings and subjugated my own identity in exchange for a feeling of "worth" in others' eyes. Not just in terms of what that means for my gender identity, but it has also informed every area of my existence from the foundation of how I've seen myself to the surface of how I've interacted with others throughout every stage of my life.
The feeling that I was different from others has been a life-long shadow. Whereas some may stand up for their differences and take whatever consequences may come, I instead tried to overcome my differences by "trying harder", "being a good girl", and not "rocking the boat". I have many memories from every stage of my childhood, teenage years, and as an adult, where I either identified as "more like a guy than a girl" or even felt discordance between my physical sex and my internal gender in many ways. I didn't put words like "transgender/transsexual" to it until this past Spring/Summer, when I finally decided to really look at the question at hand instead of running from it, but I did have many events over the years that were clearly indicative of my internal gender and external sex not matching.
In terms of my gender identity, that has meant that I've always been told I was a girl, and whether I believed it or not, I felt that I had to live up to that. I tried SO hard to do good at being a girl. I immersed myself in the role, not only trying to convince those around me, but trying to convince myself as well. I often thought that if I just tried hard enough, I'd get used to it. If I could get used to living as a girl, then that would "prove" that my biology was right and my mind and heart were wrong. At the ages I started really pushing against that, it was easier for me to conform than to be different, and in honesty I didn't know that I had any other alternatives. I was in a girl's body, so I just had to suck it up and be a girl.
Even as an adult, I tried so hard to fit in as a girl/woman, but it was always an uphill battle. I knew what things girls did, how they presented themselves, but it didn't come naturally to me. I always felt like I was one step behind my peers growing up, and as an adult I felt like a teenager trying to find my place in society. I looked at groups of my female friends and felt lost. I didn't feel like one of them, but I'd always chalked that up to being different in other ways, an outcast, a nerd, etc. When I was around guys, I felt different from them too, because it was clear that I wasn't seen as a guy, I wasn't treated like one. Not feeling like one of the girls and yet not seen as one of the guys ended up making me feel like I was constantly walking a tightrope. And at that time, I didn't have the guts to step off the tightrope and say "this is me, this is who I really am" because that would've come with social consequences I just wasn't ready to face.
And while I cannot regret the path that has brought me here today - the experiences I've had are an integral part of who I am now - I do on some level feel sadness that I wasn't previously able to value myself enough to live my life for me instead of for others. That being said, I sincerely feel that I had to come to this place in my life by the specific path that I have tread. The lessons I've learned along the way have enabled me to explore who I am in a way that would not have been possible at other stages of my personal development. I believe that my journey was not meant to be lived differently or viewed as a mistake, but it was simply the only way that I could've travelled to where I am now, and I really like where I am now.
That sentiment - that I really like where I am now - has been a key part of coming to terms with my gender identity. Being able to love myself unconditionally, and allowing myself to live honestly, really go hand in hand. It wasn't until I started breaking down the walls of self-doubt and stopped trying to be something or someone that people would hopefully like and approve of, that I was able to really accept myself for who I am. Once that emotional preparation had set the stage for my realization that I identify as male, the following exploration of what that means in my life and how I wanted to go about living with intent became much easier.
At the time I finally realized I had to figure this out, one of the main catalysts was a friend of mine coming out as trans. My first thought at hearing the news was "Awesome, he's gonna be one of us 'guys' now..." Immediately I realized the contradiction in that idea, seeing as *I* technically wasn't "one of us 'guys'..." Over the following weeks and months, it made me really question why I had always felt membership to a group that I "shouldn't" see myself as part of. It called up many memories of childhood and learning the "rules" about the non-physical differences between boys and girls and feeling like I'd been put on the wrong "team". I recalled the freedom of finally coming out as gay and being able to escape the rigid gender roles I had previously been suffocated by, and started feeling like it was finally okay to be "one of the guys", only to have to "pull back" a bit once I realized that gay women are still seen as, and see themselves as *women*... I remember defensively saying "well, I am a girl" when met with my own feelings of inadequacy around biological guys who grew up with the social training that I didn't receive (whereas my "female" social training always felt like it didn't "fit" me). But above all, I realized that my gender identity wasn't as cut and dry as biology would dictate for me, and that I needed to figure out what that really meant for my life.
Part of what I had to face was negating the myths I had told myself for so long. "You're physically a girl, so you must be one" was replaced with an understanding that gender and sex are two entirely separate facets of one's self and don't always match. "There's nothing you can do about it anyways, so you might as well just try harder to fit in as a girl" was challenged by learning more about transpeople and the opportunity for change that exists. "You're not 'manly' enough to be a guy" was shot down by realizing that pretty much every person, whether man or woman, is a blend of masculine and feminine traits. Many women are stereotypically feminine, and many men are stereotypically masculine, but most of those people I'd wager, have at least *some* small aspects of themselves that are more aligned with the expectations of the opposite gender, and I think the average person is a more balanced mix of "masculine" and "feminine" characteristics. Whether you label that with words such as "tomboy" or "metrosexual" or even just "well-rounded individual" it still comes down to the fact that one doesn't have to be the epitome of manliness to be a man or the height of femininity to be a woman.
I also had to challenge a lot of the preconceptions I had about gender theory as well. "Men do this, women do that" was at first a very tempting opportunity to find examples in myself that put me on the male side of the spectrum, and to renounce some of my feminine traits as just a product of growing up socialized as a girl. I felt like pinpointing those likes/dislikes/hobbies/mannerisms/etc, were a way to "prove" that I'm more of a guy than a girl. But I started to realize that I was only clinging to those sexist examples as a way to pour myself into the mould of what society tells us is a rigid and static gender binary. As I explored what it means to be trans, to be a guy, to be just a human, I started to figure out that a lot of what most people believe about gender is not flexible enough to really represent many people who are expected to then live up to those limited options. If we look at gender as a spectrum (shades of grey, rather than black & white), we realize there's space for people along every part of that arc, and not just crowded at either end. And so, trying to define someone who's "somewhere in the grey area" by the rules that apply to only those at either extreme, becomes an exercise in futility.
The way that I see myself now, months after figuring out who I really am, and after having time to process this through therapy, through discussions with friends and family, and through my own personal acceptance, is as a male living in a female (for now) body. My mannerisms may be coloured by having grown up as a girl, my emotions may be affected by the female hormones still running through my body, my experience and viewpoint may be different from a biological guy, as I've been a daughter, sister, wife, mother, lesbian, etc. But all in all, I feel that these differences I have don't threaten my identity, rather they are other perspectives I have to offer, other experiences I've had to grow and learn from.
It hasn't been easy coming to terms with the dichotomy of being simultaneously male in ways that are invisible and yet feel innate and authentic, while being female in ways that are clear-cut and biological yet feel foreign and like being a fraud. But I feel that for the first time in my life, I've been able to accept myself for who I really am, not based on what I think others want me to be, or on some scale of being "good" enough. I don't even necessarily want to convince people that this is who I am, I don't want to fight for a cause or try to educate the masses. I don't even want to have to fight for friendships that might be lost due to intolerance or insensitivity. All I want to do is be me. I just want to live my life as who I am on the inside. I want to take off the "halloween costume" and stop playing a role, and just BE.
For now, that means coming out to everyone. Expressing my identity in ways that feel comfortable and natural to me. Using a male name and being referred to with male pronouns. Eventually I intend to medically transition so that the outer me matches the inner me. So that others see me as I see myself.
And while I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation necessarily, I wanted to take this opportunity to express where I'm coming from, especially since many of you may not have been exposed to these kind of gender identity issues before. Without wanting to sound too harsh, i do have to say that I'm completely done with trying to convince anyone that this really is who I am. So people around me can either accept that this is who I am, or not. It doesn't really affect me past that point.
For those who are willing to accept this, I'm am more than happy to answer any questions you may have. I've always been an open book, and no question is too "stupid" or too personal. I'm completely comfortable discussing the path that lead me here, the confusion I had growing up, the choices I made along the way, the exploration I finally started into all of this, how I came to terms with it all, how people have reacted, what medical steps I intend to take, what changes people can expect to see in me, etc. My statement of not convincing anyone is more meant for those who would rather argue whether this is right for me or not, rather than to learn who I am as an individual.
Anyhow, I know this has become an extremely long post, but I just hope that I've helped some of you to understand where I'm at and how this all came about. Again, please feel free to ask me any questions you may have, as I'm sure I haven't anticipated every aspect people might want to know about. All I can promise is that I'll answer openly and honestly.
Thanks everyone,
-James
Anyhow, just wanted to share this with you all. Lemme know what you think
