Need advice about self-acceptence

[Asfsd4214]

Alright so, this has been something that's been upsetting me for a while. I know a therapist would probably be more helpful, but its extremely difficult for me to actually get in to see one more frequently than every month or so, and I'm not sure what I can do about that. I'm on my third therapist already because the first two didn't work out, the one I'm with right now has been the only one that seems helpful and that's probably why it's so difficult to get in to see her.

I have absolutely nobody in real life to talk to about this stuff, I could talk to my Mum, but she doesn't really understand what I'm going through.

I'm having a lot of trouble with self-acceptance of being trans. And fear that somehow what I feel is a lie and I can't even see it.

Basically, from a conscious sense I am absolutely 100% certain that my choice to transition was the right one. I feel completely and totally that I'm supposed to be female, and hate in any way being perceived as male to the point where I feel pain being around people because I hate thinking that that's what they're thinking. I can't stand having a male body in any way. And I have no reason to think I have any other motive for transition than that's simply what I mentally am. I first indicated I wanted to be female at 5 years old, and again very openly at 10, again more quietly around 13, and I can remember less open ways I thought about it from 5 all the way up to today (I'm 21 now). My therapist told me that she thought I seemed very feminine, and I feel like a girl.

But at the same time, there's this almost paranoia in my mind that maybe this is some sort of purely mental problem. That maybe something happened after I was born, before I was 5, that warped my mind into thinking this way, and that its just snowballed since then. Because if that were the case, my inability to feel male could be entirely mental and at least in theory correctable. And that's what frightens me. That my feelings might be wrong and I don't even realize it. And I just can't seem to shake this fear.

There's no real reason for me to think this, but I can't help it. I've always had issues with over-questioning things, and especially myself. And I just keep second guessing myself to such an obsessive degree that I start to have trouble seeing anything clearly until I stop for a little while.

I really don't like to post threads on susans about my personal problems, but I don't really have anywhere else to turn right now.
Has anyone here struggled with this kind of problem? Really any advise or insight might be helpful. If you've had problems trusting yourself, any thoughts on how to deal with it would be good too.

[rejennyrated]

Hi Ashley

To a certain extent our perception is the reality that we live in. Ask yourself what is it that makes you who YOU are? What defines you?

Is it purely your chromasomes?
Is it your body and what lies between your legs?
Is it purely your mind?

Or is it some combination of all these things and a whole lot more that I haven't even begun to list.

I suggest that it is the latter.

So even if this is, as you put it, "a delusion" that delusion is a part of who and what you are and therefore your delusion is in fact at least in part a reality.

I too felt like you did. I too first expressed it at an early age. I was even allowed by my parents to indulge my fantasy from that age to the point where, when I eventually sought medical help aged 17 the specialist insisted that I try living for a period in my natal sex before he would allow me to progress. He figured that perhaps he could alter the way I felt.

But the flaw in the idea is thinking that you can change something which is a fundamental part of who you are? You can't - if you weren't trans then you would not be you, you would be someone else. Or to put it another way, I may indeed be crazy, but if I am then to be honest I quite like being crazy so I don't really want to be sane.

The old addage that you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink also applies. Back in the dark days of the late 50's and early 60's various psychiatrists tried giving aversion therapy to gender patients. What the found was that the patients mostly became suicidal because they effectively became averted to themsleves - they HATED themselves and many of them took the logical way out.

The program was rapidly stopped and indeed the results became a part of the early justification for doing sex reassignment surgery.

Bottom line, I don't believe it really matters whether it is a delusion or not as long as you are happy living with the end result.

For years I lived with the knowledge that it was very likely that my condition was all in the mind,only to discover, years after it had ceased to make any practical difference that there actually was some physical basis and I had in fact had an undiagnosed intersex condition all along. I'm not saying that this will happen to you. The point I am making is that in this world very few things are absolutely certain.

Medical knowlege is constantly advancing as this http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3265125/Gene-could-hold-key-to-why-transsexual-men-feel-female.html story shows.

So in the end our gut feeling, horribly uncertain as that is, is often the best guide to the right course that you have.

I hope all that helps at least a little.

[FairyGirl]

I'm having a lot of trouble with self-acceptance of being trans. And fear that somehow what I feel is a lie and I can't even see it...

But at the same time, there's this almost paranoia in my mind that maybe this is some sort of purely mental problem. That maybe something happened after I was born, before I was 5, that warped my mind into thinking this way, and that its just snowballed since then. Because if that were the case, my inability to feel male could be entirely mental and at least in theory correctable. And that's what frightens me. That my feelings might be wrong and I don't even realize it. And I just can't seem to shake this fear.

I think that is a normal reaction and it can be scary to realize the truth about ourselves. However, at this point why does it matter if you're a pink egg or a blue egg painted pink? The end result is the same- you are pink, NOW. We can only deal with what we have before us, in the present, to second guess the past is an endless loop. The fact is you are where you are, what might have or should have been is really kind of irrelevant at this point.

Jenny thanks for the link.

[spacial]

You have a dose of the self doubts with added second guessing.

Amazing, you're absolutely normal and just like everyone else

OK, first the mental problem.

Yep, that's exactly what it is. (Unless, of course, you're androginous, but since you didn't say, it seems unlikely). Again, just like most of us.

Your body is basically fine, but your feeings, your inner self, your instincts tell you that something is wrong. Now, this is unlikely to be anything new. It seems probable that people have been suffering from this for as long as there has been humans. (I once did a paper on this very subject, back in the 70s. I used what is known about the development of mankind and indicated that there is a strong liklihood that transexuals and homosexuals were likely to have previously been an important, functioning paart of society. But I digress).

So, here we are, in the 21st century and we have available, after about 6 million years of human development, a solution.

Second. The cause.

There has been a lot of speculation about causes. Up until a few hundred years ago, it was believed that this, and just about every other problem associated with our behaviour and feelings was caused by some evil spirit.

I don't believe that. I hope you don't either.

Upbringing. Perhaps, at some time, when you were very young, someone put a dress on you for a laugh. Your subconscious has suppressed this but you enjoyed the attention. So now you simply crave the attention. Therefore, your entire motivation is attention seeking. You want the attention that others are much more deserving of.

Hold on a sec. Have you noticed that, whenever people start talking about subconscious, they invariably end up, reaching a conclusion that makes you look bad?

Seriously, the subconscious is about as credable as an evil spirit.

The biochemical mix up in the womb. This one is nice, because it removes all blame. Just an accident of chemistry.

Forget all that stuff. You know what you feel. You know what you want. It's there for you to take advantage of. No-one's going to be harmed. It's your life.

Take it.

Adition. I spent a while composing my response and two others have gotten in before me. I haven't had a chance to read what they say. If any of it clashes with what I've said I apologise. But what I said I meant and comes direct from the heart. Not to mention, personal experience.

[rejennyrated]

Adition. I spent a while composing my response and two others have gotten in before me. I haven't had a chance to read what they say. If any of it clashes with what I've said I apologise. But what I said I meant and comes direct from the heart. Not to mention, personal experience.

Don't worry - it didn't really.

We're all pretty much on the same page I think.

Although I think you might possibly want to reword that last para - I know what you mean but it could just be misinterpreted by someone extremely perverse as suggesting taking your life - which I don't really think is what you meant to say at all. Unless I'm mistaken you meant - "Take the available solution of SRS transition or whatever." which is of course sound advice.

[spacial]

Yeah, I see what you mean. 

No, I will never suggest ending life, for any reason.

Seems a bit like throwing away a good book before the end.

When I said:

Forget all that stuff. You know what you feel. You know what you want. It's there for you to take advantage of. No-one's going to be harmed. It's your life.

Take it.

I did of course mean to take the course of action you choose for your life.

[V M]

Self acceptance is the most important thing you can do.

I wish I would have accepted myself at your age. It would have saved me allot of pain

[Janet_Girl]

For the longest time I wondered if I had just talked myself into being Transsexual.   But as I move forward through HRT, Orchie and RLE, I realize that no one in their "right mind" would want to go through this.

I still have bouts of self-doubts, but everyday I wake up is a new day.  I do look forward towards SRS one day.  And I like the way I look, for the most part.  Bigger bustline, yes.  More shapely in the hips and behind, yes.  Fill-in on the top of the head, yes.  But I am a woman and day by day it is getting better.

It is a matter of just eliminating the self-doubt, buckle down and accept yourself for who you are.


Janet

[Just Kate]

It is healthy to gain a better understanding of oneself or else nagging doubts can lead to all sorts of stress.

To offer a slightly different perspective, I am one who does consider my desire/need to be female, "in my head."  I find it more likely that it is a genetic base with an environmental trigger that caused me to think like this from an early age.  I believe I am an otherwise healthy male with a mind that tells him he isn't.

That being the case, I don't consider my GID any less impactful or significant in my life than in that of others who believe themselves to truly be female inside.  My point in telling you this is not to convince you either way but to tell you, regardless of the origin of your feelings, you still MUST deal with them.  If transition is working for you, then it is working for you.  If you want to try other things to see if they work for you, then try them and keep doing the things that help and stop doing things that don't.  I personally found things that I can do to stave off my GID without full transition so I'm doing those, but I cannot say what works for me will work for you.

In the end there is no definitive test or proof for why you are the way you are, so in the end we only have one thing to decide, "what will I DO about it?" and it seems that you are doing something already.

[tekla]

Accept yourself, and you'll have self-acceptance. If you don't', it ain't nothin' that anyone else can give to you. Some gifts are things that you and you alone can give to yourself. I hate to say it's that simple, but it is.

[Asfsd4214]

Thanks to everyone who responded. Just hearing it from someone, anyone else helps at least a bit.

at this point why does it matter if you're a pink egg or a blue egg painted pink? The end result is the same- you are pink, NOW.

Seriously, the subconscious is about as credable as an evil spirit.

I thought these two were particularly helpful.

I'm just having a hard time accepting it all. Especially not having anyone to talk too about it.

But thanks, your replies at least helped me feel a bit better.

I think what really freaks me out though, is that a lot (though not all) of people in the TG community and the TS sub-community seem to have a lot of other mental issues aside from their gender problems. And it makes me feel a lot of self-doubt about if I'm completely messed up and don't even know what I'm doing, even if I feel like I do.

Having the first 3 doctors I saw all question me about why I was doing this and how "we have to protect young fellows that might think it's a neat idea to change their gender" "we need to have a cooling off period (what am I buying a gun?!?) whenever a young man (I swear I want to slit my wrists when they say that) seeks to change their sex" "Have you considered that you just want to be different".

I know they're doing their jobs and protecting themselves and others, but I was questioning myself to the point of obsession before I saw anyone, and it's not helping me feel mentally stable to get into endless loops of self-doubt with no way to resolve it.