Coping with transgender dysphoria

[tekla]

Have you read their research?

Oh come on, I have to read the thick, turgid prose that clinical psychological works are written in?  Can't I just parrot the party line instead? 

And the fact of the matter is that GID is like a lot of other conditions.  It's not 'all or nothing' its something that occurs in a range, like cancer.  Some types can be taken care of with a simple outpatient procedure, others, you should pick out a casket and gravestone 'cause you're dead, and sooner rather than later.

So, it's entirely possible for some people to find ways to overcome it through various means.  Because they worked for one person, does not mean they work for all, and the reverse is also true, that just because it didn't work for you, is not to say it can't work for others.

There are a lot of ways that people can cope to the point that the GID is, if not in remission, is at least manageable.

To say that any path does not 'ring true in my experience' only says that in one case, and one case only, it didn't work out.  It says nothing about how well it might, or might not, work out for others.

We like the technological solution (here's a pill, here's a surgery, now your cured) because as a culture (Western Civilization) we prefer the technological solutions in most things. But we've also found that what is expedient at first may well turn out worse in the long run. So it seems prudent, if nothing else, to at least look at other paths and other possibilities and keep your options open and your powder dry.

[Naturally Blonde]

This is an interesting topic with a lot of varied views.

[lauren3332]

I also agree that the nature of dysphoria is in degrees.  Some people have it worse than others and if some find some weird mantra thing helpful the fine.  The only part I don't understand about the orginal poster's comments is it seems as if he finds his GID different to himself.  This is a very dangerous thing.  You don't want to wake up when your 60 or whatever age and realize that you could have been much more happier if you would have lived as your target sex.  Focusing on what you have is good, but ignoring what you desire is also unhealthy.  Sure sometimes we can desire things that are out of our reach and we have to be realistic.  Transitioning is not that unrealistc of a goal.  Thousands have done it and have led pretty good lives.  Yes, there is a possibility you could be beaten and killed, but the whole "alternate lifestyle" thing is becoming is quite old.  People are caring less and less about it.  You might as well live as the greatest possible you instead of the "I can deal with this life even though I prefer to live differently."  If everyone was just happy with what they had, then there would be no progression in life or thoughts of making things better than they are now.  Striving for something more is not bad, just don't get greedy with it to the point that you get stuck for thirty years.  Gender expression isn't a perk.  You are allowed to do what you want with it.  To keep having to beat down the dysphoria over and over again is ridiculous.

I am not saying you should go out there and totally change yourself without thinking about others.  All I am saying is don't sell yourself so short. 

It might be awhile before you can actively live as your target sex. 

What I do is try not to let things bother me.  I know that I at the very least strongly desire to live as a woman, so when my dad calls says "he" or "him" it doesn't bother me because I know that this is what I believed my self to be at an earlier point in time so it is ok.  Legally it does not bother me because the legal system has us all down as numbers anyway.  Why do you think everyone has a social security identification?  Teachers at schools come and go so it's not like them calling me by a male name stings, they won't know who I am when I graduate so it does not matter.  I use the name Lauren all the time for other things so at least it is something rather than nothing.               

[xsocialworker]

I tried to deny it through hard work and a hard core left-wing agenda to change the world. Ten years ago I changed myself finally. Now I'm the woman the Party always needed me to be and I'm not hard core anymore, just a big L liberal and a lovely fellow traveller! And I still can see Russia from my house!

[rejennyrated]

I  think I might have not expressed my self properly. I'm trying to find the right words. I'm actually not denying my feelings. But I don't empower them or entertain them as that is fanning the flames. I admit it's a delicate balance. I tried walking away completely about 10 years ago and crashed miserably. I won't destroy who I may be, I just love myself and accept myself for who I am even if I have extra pieces. Please keep in mind, there's no repression involved here, I just don't fan the flames and push my own buttons. It's a balance thing.

Peace

Well Ok - that makes more sense then IF you can do it and IF you actually want to do it.

Those are two absolutely massive IFS though and for most of us the idea fails because:
a.) we don't want to do it,
b.) we couldn't make it work anyway, and
c.) we can see absolutely no good reason to try and every reason not to.

Personally I figured it this way. If I had died without ever expressing my truest self and living in a way which expresses my divine inner truth, then I might just as well have thrown the gift of my life back in my creators face because in truth I would never have lived as myself. Rather I would have been hiding behind a thin veneer of normality for the sake of an easy life, living a lie.

For me having transitioned and had SRS whilst still very young was the path of righteousness and truth, pure and simple, a divine calling, which was always likely to be a hard road to travel. (Although by divine grace, or indeed undeserved good luck, thankfully it has not actually turned out to be as hard for me as it may be for some.)

[lauren3332]

The thing is most people don't want to "beat it" or live with it like aids or cancer or some other thing.  We want these feelings to go away completely and in most cases, you have to transition and risk all that you have.  True, people could end up hating us but I would rather people hate me as the 100% me than like me as the 35%-45% me.  I don't know why you keep on insisting that how you were born is your most natural state.  I can see how you might get confused because birth itself is natural but what results from birth is not always natural, so accepting yourself the way you are because you were born that way doesn't do you a bit of good if you crave to be something else. 

[Carlita]

This is the Male to Female (MTF) forum which, to me, is a term for those transitioning or have transitioned ...overwhelmingly due to gender dysphoria. Wouldn't a better location for this topic be in the Non-op or Transgender forums? The title itself 'Coping With Transgender Dysphoria' implies coping as a mechanism/cure in place of transition.

I can only speak for myself here ... But it's precisely because I am not yet at a place where i feel able to transition that I need and value a forum such as this. I am transsexual. After years and years of trying to pretend otherwise, I've come out to myself (if you know what I mean!) and feel 100% better as a result. My therapist and doc support that diagnosis. But there are personal reasons, to do with other people, that I cannot discuss here that make it very, very difficult for me to follow my own dream. Other people's lives are at stake.

In those circumstances, it's wonderful to have a place like this where I can be open and honest about who I am. Would you deny me that opportunity just because I have yet to start HRT or living as a woman in public?

That sounds harsher, maybe, than I mean it. I'm just trying to explain why I'd hate to have to go somewhere else, not trying to start an argument or anything ...

[Dana_W]

if i could have done anything else i would have

Me too. I legitimately and seriously tried NOT to transition. I kept it going as long as I possibly could. The only thing that finally made me finally take the jump was that the only other thing left to try to avoid it was suicide.

That being said, I know some people who cannot transition for the same reason... the loss they'd experience in coming out would drive them to suicide just as readily. It's a cruel trap, and they try to find the best way to cope. I have nothing but sympathy for such people.

[V M]

I tried to fight my GID for years trying to be all the man I could be. All this did was cause allot of self hatred

I wish I would have came to terms with accepting myself 30 years ago instead of putting myself through total hell for so long

[Dorothy]

This is the Male to Female (MTF) forum which, to me, is a term for those transitioning or have transitioned ...overwhelmingly due to gender dysphoria. Wouldn't a better location for this topic be in the Non-op or Transgender forums? The title itself 'Coping With Transgender Dysphoria' implies coping as a mechanism/cure in place of transition.

I agree.  But rats why not colonise this forum too?  Some people have done it with the term "transsexual" anyway.

[Kay Henderson]

I'm one of those for whom gender dysphoria kept coming back stronger whenever I tried to ignore it.  And the answer for me was so simple.

I had a hormone imbalance.  For whatever reason, I function better on estrogen than on testosterone.  Since getting my body chemicals in order two years ago, I've been perfectly content and much better able to handle the other aspects of my life.

I'm quite comfortable presenting myself as female in public and have many friends who know and accept me as a transgendered person.  So I consider myself, at age 68, to be very fortunate.

[amandy]

I had avoided the usual discussions of the rights and wrongs of Transitioning,because you always run into the I did it why don't you...
Which made Me feel even worse.
To comments of you must be a cross dresser if you do not want to transition.
But after reading a few of the replies here I am amazed at the honesty of people..

Especially that of Diana_W
Which for some reason brought a tear to My eye, no matter how melodramatic that may sound.
I have always being well hidden and have built up a life that is with kids and family.
and the thought of letting them down always gives Me an excuse not to do anything.

But always leaves Me with the question what about you?
To the vision of being on My death bed and thinking damn! I really got that wrong if I could do that again,I would do it differently.
But who knows and just maybe it is the problem with self acceptance.
It some times feels as if I am looking for the meaning of life.
But the feeling of been different is painful and difficult to live with but to loose everything and start all over again.
That scares the s**t out of Me.

[Kitty_Babe]

I'd like to tune in, with some of my own thoughts on this, if that's ok. I tried living as a man for many years, even though I knew at a far younger age, I was hating growing up as such. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change, that but deep down I had already rejected growing and developing into a man. When I turned around 18, I basically also came out to myself, too and accepted I needed to released myself from this mental torment.

The mental torment, of knowing your some one different inside, to how other people see you on the outside, well not 'all' people, several friends knew anyway, that I behave differently to other guys. So anyway, I was kind of locked into that life, and I did try to conform, to how people thought I should behave, and live a life as a man.

In the end, all this did, was cause me to explode, I went off to see my GP, told him about my feelings, and how I would like to start some kind of transition towards changing my gender, this was when I was like 17/18 ish as I say, he asked that I discuss it further with my mother, and to bring her with me on another visit. I completely 'bottled out' because my mother, being rather conservative in her attitudes.

Suffice to say I suffered with 'not' doing anything, for many years, and utterly regret not telling my mother about how I was really feeling at a much younger age. I didn't start living as a woman until I was 25, and probably chose my own way to start transitioning,. I was already living in 'role' even before, going to a clinic, and only began therapy of any kind during the transition. The thing is, you need to be sure if this is right for you, when you choose to go through transitioning, how how you wish to start it. It really depends on a lot of things too. I do NOT think any operation is a 'cure' for gender dysphoria, and its my believe you will probably still suffer with different kinds of dysphoria even when your post op. I feel the operations, the HRT, releave the symptoms but it will never be a cure.

Despite the fact I am 11 yrs post op, I some times still get a spat of depressions, where I still wish I had just been born 'correctly' rather than a mix of things. I developed a self hatred of my appearance, which got much worse once male puberty set in. At the end of the day, you must be true to yourself, and be who you are. No one should be allowed to even try and take that away from you.

Catherine.

[Nika]

If you can be gender dysphoric and live well without transitioning, by all means go for it. The coping mechanisms GD persons employ to repress their feeling and actions can be just as deadly and costly to society, if not more so that an outright suicide. It is no secret that people with depression are the ones who have anorexia, drink, do drugs, Smoke, Can be inactive etc. These ongoing issues cause much physical toll on the individuals and those around them. There are also numerous emotional and mental abuses perpetuated by non-physical coping strategies, such as distancing, repressing emotions, denial. There are even physical manifestations from mental and emotional conditions.
     
I know that my denial, and refusing to do anything to transition has taken a terrible toll on my body and my family. I was using pretty much every coping mechanism to shut off my mind and just be a "dude". I am at the point i stay home alone because i hate my body, smoke and drink, and barely eat a thing all day, sometimes nothing. There has to be more than "sucking it up" and acting the gender you were born as. Now i am facing the music. I will die if i just try to "cope" as a man.

[CalmRage]

If you can be gender dysphoric and live well without transitioning, by all means go for it. The coping mechanisms GD persons employ to repress their feeling and actions can be just as deadly and costly to society, if not more so that an outright suicide. It is no secret that people with depression are the ones who have anorexia, drink, do drugs, Smoke, Can be inactive etc. These ongoing issues cause much physical toll on the individuals and those around them. There are also numerous emotional and mental abuses perpetuated by non-physical coping strategies, such as distancing, repressing emotions, denial. There are even physical manifestations from mental and emotional conditions.
     
I know that my denial, and refusing to do anything to transition has taken a terrible toll on my body and my family. I was using pretty much every coping mechanism to shut off my mind and just be a "dude". I am at the point i stay home alone because i hate my body, smoke and drink, and barely eat a thing all day, sometimes nothing. There has to be more than "sucking it up" and acting the gender you were born as. Now i am facing the music. I will die if i just try to "cope" as a man.

And i'll starve if i continue without doing anything. But my mind is constantly changing almost like a split-personality. And i don't identify as a male at all now, but there are some things that make me feel weirdly boyish and i don't like that. And i'm not between the genders either.

[Naomi]

I think as many people have said: if it works more power to you, I can't accept that for myself though. I am female and though I will always be different physically from genetic women that won't stop me from being female.

[Bex80]

I can only speak for myself here ... But it's precisely because I am not yet at a place where i feel able to transition that I need and value a forum such as this. I am transsexual. After years and years of trying to pretend otherwise, I've come out to myself (if you know what I mean!) and feel 100% better as a result. My therapist and doc support that diagnosis. But there are personal reasons, to do with other people, that I cannot discuss here that make it very, very difficult for me to follow my own dream. Other people's lives are at stake.

In those circumstances, it's wonderful to have a place like this where I can be open and honest about who I am. Would you deny me that opportunity just because I have yet to start HRT or living as a woman in public?

That sounds harsher, maybe, than I mean it. I'm just trying to explain why I'd hate to have to go somewhere else, not trying to start an argument or anything ...

+1 here. I am at ease with who I am but personal circumstance and responsibilities mean transition is not an option at present. I will never again deny that I am a woman to myself even if I never tell another soul. Life is complicated. My wife is the only reason I am not transitioning and there is no-one else in the world I would continue to present as a male for. Gender is very much a spectrum in my humble opinion. Love to all regardless of you cope with your dysphoria.

[Tristan]

Is it really that bad? Like all the time?