Fear of sexual intimacy

[Alessandro]

Hi guys

I was just wondering if anybody else on here had a fear of sexual intimacy pre-T and whether or not that reduced for you after your transition?

I personally, whilst not afraid of sex (I love sex, am actually a gay erotica writer etc) have always had really strong dysphoria in the bedroom.  This seems to be worsening as I identify as a guy more.  I'm feeling more confident in public the more I present male but this seems to have the opposite effect in private.  I've never been able to, uh you know...get off...with other people present before and am really worried that despite transition I never will because of penis envy and constant awareness that what I have 'isnt right'.  Also a fear that my halway-house genitals will be abhorrent to other people. 
If anyone has any experiences to share but don't want to post here please PM me.  I am very unsure what to do about this side of things. 

[Chamillion]

Yep.  Pre-T I didn't like being touched.  Also, like you, the more I started identifying as a guy, the worse it got.  Before figuring out I was trans I didn't really have that issue.  But after realizing I was trans I wasn't cool w/ it, which probably sucked for my gf, cos she wanted to be able to please me as much as I pleased her but I wasn't having it.  T changed all of that though within like 2 weeks.  I'm not sure if I just became so horny that I stopped caring or if I really started seeing my body in a different light.  But something happened that made me stop caring and I could fully enjoy sex which made me and my gf (now ex) way closer.  Since then I've not only accepted my body but I love it now.  T has done wonders for my self esteem in terms of sexuality.

[Brynn]

I'm still pre-T, so I can only speak for before. But hell yes I've got issues with it.

[kyle_lawrence]

Major fear.  With my last girlfriend I was constantly horny, and even though we had lots of intense marathon make sessions, it never went "there".  She would eventually touch me too low on my stomach or my inner thigh, and I would freeze up and pull away. She would always want to talk about what was wrong, (I don't want to F'n talk!) and I would ended up blocking her out, and flipping through the channels or something. 

It sucked, because I really did want to with her, and I totally trusted her, but I just couldn't handle it. Especially when she would ask what I wanted her to do for/to me and I couldn't answer. "I don't know" was never intended to be a way of avoiding the conversation.

[Basiliximab]

Hi guys

I was just wondering if anybody else on here had a fear of sexual intimacy pre-T and whether or not that reduced for you after your transition?

I personally, whilst not afraid of sex (I love sex, am actually a gay erotica writer etc) have always had really strong dysphoria in the bedroom.  This seems to be worsening as I identify as a guy more.  I'm feeling more confident in public the more I present male but this seems to have the opposite effect in private.  I've never been able to, uh you know...get off...with other people present before and am really worried that despite transition I never will because of penis envy and constant awareness that what I have 'isnt right'.  Also a fear that my halway-house genitals will be abhorrent to other people. 
If anyone has any experiences to share but don't want to post here please PM me.  I am very unsure what to do about this side of things.

I'm also a gay erotica writer. How neat (that wasn't also how you kind of "found out" you were FTM, was it? 'cause that would just be too weird). I also have strong dysphoria in the bedroom (which is probably why I haven't done anything in that area for 3 years). I'm also pre-T though, and feel that I will just get more bottom dysphoric once I'm on T; which is terrifying, but I don't know what else to do since I've come to the realization that I cannot stay like this (I hate my high voice and soft body as strongly as I hate how I have the wrong genitals). I haven't been with anyone intimately though since I've identified strongly as a guy... I'd like to once I'm on T... am worried (that's understating it) about how it will be though.

Especially you know, since we both like guys... I think it's a bit more difficult (please, I'm stressing the "a bit" part 'cause I know it's just difficult for trans people in general) for guys who like guys than for guys who like girls 'cause it just seems to me that some girls are more forgiving/understanding than guys are about what's not right in that area. Some of them are more about emotional attachment in sex than the physical aspect of it. Let's face it—a lot of guys just want to f***. Hey, I'm that way. That's all I think about. Sure, I'd like to have an emotional attachment one day, but for right now, just give me a cheap lay and I'll be thrilled. And then one more. And then maybe another one later on. I feel it'd be so much more difficult to do that seeing how I don't have to right anatomy to be able to perform in this way. 

Wow, that was personal. Does anyone else besides me feel like this?

[Lachlann]

I have issues with it. The trick is to stop thinking about it and get caught up in the moment.

[Silver]

Yeah. I try not to think about it but when it arises it makes me painfully aware of what I lack. Man, I wish I weren't trans. There doesn't really seem to be any "upside" except the consolation that I'm not completely stuck as I am for the rest of my life.

[GnomeKid]

I've always had issues with it, and unfortunately I'm pretty sure they'll never go away. 

[Alessandro]

I'm also a gay erotica writer. How neat (that wasn't also how you kind of "found out" you were FTM, was it? 'cause that would just be too weird). I also have strong dysphoria in the bedroom (which is probably why I haven't done anything in that area for 3 years). I'm also pre-T though, and feel that I will just get more bottom dysphoric once I'm on T; which is terrifying, but I don't know what else to do since I've come to the realization that I cannot stay like this (I hate my high voice and soft body as strongly as I hate how I have the wrong genitals). I haven't been with anyone intimately though since I've identified strongly as a guy... I'd like to once I'm on T... am worried (that's understating it) about how it will be though.

Especially you know, since we both like guys... I think it's a bit more difficult (please, I'm stressing the "a bit" part 'cause I know it's just difficult for trans people in general) for guys who like guys than for guys who like girls 'cause it just seems to me that some girls are more forgiving/understanding than guys are about what's not right in that area. Some of them are more about emotional attachment in sex than the physical aspect of it. Let's face it—a lot of guys just want to f***. Hey, I'm that way. That's all I think about. Sure, I'd like to have an emotional attachment one day, but for right now, just give me a cheap lay and I'll be thrilled. And then one more. And then maybe another one later on. I feel it'd be so much more difficult to do that seeing how I don't have to right anatomy to be able to perform in this way. 

Wow, that was personal. Does anyone else besides me feel like this?

Well its not how I found out about it, but it was a fairly big factor because sexually I like to function like a gay guy and when I found out that nothing else works for me I started to wonder.  Is this your story too then?  Haha But obviously, there is a lot more to it than sex and sex will probably never be perfect for me anyway.  But yah, I think only being interested in two men together and feeling turned off by my body and women and men together was actually a factor in coming out as trans.  *is officially also wierd*

I actually have plenty of offers of casual encounters but I am often a bit too spooked to take people up on it, I have to be really, really horny to even go there!  I expect once I'm on T I will relax a bit more simply because of the horniness as others have been saying 

I hear you on how tough it is for us gay FtMs but I'd rather wait for an emotional attachment than try to forge one with a man that sees me as female - I have been there and done this and it was probably the most stressful thing I have ever done.   I guess what we need to say is that we are doing this for ourselves, if it meant I'd never be able to be with another person I'd still do it.  But even so that is a highly depressing thought!  Transmen do find male lovers, it has happened and will continue to happen.  I guess its just luck. 

[Basiliximab]

Is this your story too then? 

Pretty much; like I started reading books featuring gay characters (I had always identified with gay people, though never could figure out why--at one time I thought I perhaps was a lesbian), and then when I started writing about them, I realized how strongly I identified with them; everything seemed to fall into place then, especially after I read about an FTM who also liked guys like me (I thought I was like the only person in the world to feel this way).

and feeling turned off by my body and women and men together was actually a factor in coming out as trans.

Yeah—it never really felt right to me, but especially after I found out, it just seems really unnatural for a guy and girl to be together—totally turns me off. That's why I can never be in bed anymore with someone in my female body—it would be just way too gross.

I actually have plenty of offers of casual encounters but I am often a bit too spooked to take people up on it

I don't—though people flirt with me a lot. I'm glad I don't get offers yet, 'cause I know I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I have a crush though on a super cute friend of the family and it sucks, 'cause I could have sworn there was definitely some kind of interest on his part (if not romantic, then definitely as a friend). However, he's under the impression I'm still engaged and—the crappiest part of all—I'm sure he sees me as female. It just sucks! He's sooo cute—exactly my type.

Transmen do find male lovers, it has happened and will continue to happen.  I guess its just luck.

Yes—I've heard the best way to go is with a bisexual, which just makes sense. I fantasize about the guy I like being bisexual—but I'm not holding any high hopes about that.

[andiafuera]

I've yet to take T, and still unsure whether or not I want to... BUT, the dysphoria can be very bad. Sometimes I would start to have sex with my girlfriend and my mind would start racing. If she touched my nether regions I would totally zone out and be done. Speaking about it was difficult because I didn't know the reason it was happening...

But, I know that when she has sex with me, if she makes it feel like she's giving me a bl*wjob like a male would receive, it feels a lot better and I don't freeze up. But unfortunately for her she can't get me off with her hands because... It just doesn't feel good.

Try different things though. Try having sex with a strap on, and as you get more into the moment, take it off and have your man mouth you as though you have a dick. You can also try getting a pump which will thicken up and elongate your angry lil inch, and you can give yourself an h-j... and most importantly, don't focus on what you have or don't have... rather, try to focus on how it feels. good luck.

[Elijah3291]

I think it's a bit more difficult (please, I'm stressing the "a bit" part 'cause I know it's just difficult for trans people in general) for guys who like guys than for guys who like girls 'cause it just seems to me that some girls are more forgiving/understanding than guys are about what's not right in that area. Some of them are more about emotional attachment in sex than the physical aspect of it. Let's face it—a lot of guys just want to f***. Hey, I'm that way. That's all I think about. Sure, I'd like to have an emotional attachment one day, but for right now, just give me a cheap lay and I'll be thrilled. And then one more. And then maybe another one later on. I feel it'd be so much more difficult to do that seeing how I don't have to right anatomy to be able to perform in this way. 

Wow, that was personal. Does anyone else besides me feel like this?

I'm gay too.. and I totally agree with your idea thats its a bit easier for straight transguys.  I have been flirting with this gay guy who knows that I am trans, and he always says stuff like.. 'I wish you WERE a guy' etc

[Alessandro]

 

Pretty much; like I started reading books featuring gay characters (I had always identified with gay people, though never could figure out why--at one time I thought I perhaps was a lesbian)

Yeah—it never really felt right to me, but especially after I found out, it just seems really unnatural for a guy and girl to be together—totally turns me off. That's why I can never be in bed anymore with someone in my female body—it would be just way too gross.

Yes—I've heard the best way to go is with a bisexual, which just makes sense. I fantasize about the guy I like being bisexual—but I'm not holding any high hopes about that.

You are so like me its crazy haha!  I went through a lesbian phase too because I felt gay.  But that didn't work out since I don't find women sexually attractive.  I get the unnatural feeling about straight sex too.  I always used to feel as if it was wrong and was so furtive about it when I had to do it.  After anal, I felt really terrible as soon as I was reminded I was a woman.  I am not sure about bisexuals, I am worried they would just see me as a girl.  I am much more comfortable with men who identify as gay or pansexual.

Don't focus on what you have or don't have... rather, try to focus on how it feels. good luck.

That is very good advice, I tend to do that alone quite happily but it is much harder when anyone else is present.  I just need to work up to it a bit.  I like your strapon advice as well, a guy I'm seeing is really interested in the strapon thing but I am scared he'll just see me as a girl.  I think my obsession with how the other person views me is more what sets me back than the other person themselves. 

I'm gay too.. and I totally agree with your idea thats its a bit easier for straight transguys.  I have been flirting with this gay guy who knows that I am trans, and he always says stuff like.. 'I wish you WERE a guy' etc

He really says that?  I feel for you man, that's awful    What have you said in reply?  I hope you stand your ground and say 'well, I am.  And soon you'll be able to see it too.' 

[Silver]

I'm gay too.. and I totally agree with your idea thats its a bit easier for straight transguys.  I have been flirting with this gay guy who knows that I am trans, and he always says stuff like.. 'I wish you WERE a guy' etc

Aww, that's a real bummer. Look somewhere else.

[Call Me Joe]

I'm pre-T too (damn therapy never ends!), and I recall that same thing for me. When I was younger, like tweens, I didn't care. Girls liked me, hey, great for me. But it got worse when I was more sure of who I was. I started to feel like I was playing a game with girls, leading them on you know, and it drove me nuts.

I seem to date bi-curious people now, or at least bisexuals instead of lesbians. They tend to be less geared towards heavy intimacy (sex), yet more accepting. Like your first girl, I guess. Does anybody else notice a change in who they date?

[Carson]

Of course I have dysphoria with my body, usually enough to keep my clothes on during sex but most of the time I am much too horny to care.

I seem to date bi-curious people now, or at least bisexuals instead of lesbians. They tend to be less geared towards heavy intimacy (sex), yet more accepting. Like your first girl, I guess. Does anybody else notice a change in who they date?

I have always dated either bi or straight girls and still do(or will because I am now back on the market after 2 years haha)