So, I know it's another rant or something....but I really think I gotta get my head on straight now.
I know in one realm I think my new anti-depressant may not be working right cause very recently my emotions have taken a nose dive....I'm like, emotionless or dead to the world. Add in my large amount of homework, and music practice sessions 2-3 times a week or more (not counting hours and hours of private practice), life has been hectic. But anyway....I don't think the load is the problem. I think I have searched for solutions to my depression and such, dodging desperately something I think I may need to really pay attention to. Gender crap, HRT, transition, I hate the whole thing.....but I obviously cannot get rid of it, cause it keeps finding me no matter where I run and hide, particularly when I start feeling crummy about other things it just comes to visit to....I don't want to make any wrong decisions regarding that, but I think since I have tried fighting it off for 1 year....2 years....3....4.....10.....11, shear common sense tells me I'm losing the fight. I'm not happy right now, and ultimate after exhausting many options, many methods of coping, surrounding myself with friends, doing things I like, I still am not happy. Could it really be I am just desperately dodging the reality of this? I think it is very possible....I can dodge it till my heart's content but till then this will persist. Crossdressing, since I opened that can, closing it is an impossiblity despite my occasional discomfort with myself and such in girls clothing. I picked more androgynous options and I am more comfortable with those, but yeah, since I bought my first articles of clothing in July, I cannot stop myself, I can delay it....but I go shopping for it no matter what. I've got shirts, a pair of jeans, a sweater, a jacket, and an androgynous winter coat now since I started.
I think it's gonna come down to, I can fake happiness, or dodge it, but reality is no matter what I'm doing, I'm never truly happy, I'm not in full connection with the world and life around me; I long to be. So what do I have to lose from this perspective? I learned the hard way that life can be taken at any one point a few weeks ago when a car accident almost killed me had it not been for a strong frame of the car protecting me. I understand the risk involved; it scares me, but I should know by now it eventually has to be taken.....
