Vindictive email from an old friend

[Naturally Blonde]

Hi all,

I have been in transition for well over 10 years but recently got a very nasty and vindictive e mail from an old male friend from the past which was both hurtful and degrading.

Comments like calling me a Jerry Springner freak and citing me as a man living with another man were just some of the comments in the message.

Do we need to cut all ties from people we've known in the past in order to avoid these confrontations and insults. I've found any friends male or female I've known post transition are very courtious and respectful towards me and have no knowledge or indication of my past and treat me as any other woman would be treated with dignity and respect.

It seem a little sad but the reality is that 'Old friends' sooner or later show their true colours and will never give you the respect you deserve.

[rejennyrated]

I really think you both need to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here. Vindictive letters and emails are unacceptable behaviour but it is grossly unfair to tar everyone with the same brush. That's like saying that because some people have become child molestors therefore it is only a matter of time before everyone is revealed as secret child molestors.

Not all cis people think the same way, and remember, once your gender and body line up at the end of the treatment you could be argued to become effectively cisgendered yourself. I would certainly lay claim to that label. I am a cis gendered female with a trans/intersex past! The treatment worked!

I digress slightly...

Surely the secret of success is to be selective about who you keep in touch with.

I'm now back in touch with about half of my childhood and adolescent friends having ditched most of them for a time in the 1980's and early 90's when I went into stealth mode.

I have to say that as I get older and my family have all died off it gets more and more comforting to have a few people who also remember the old days and knew my family. Do they accept me? I think they do. I've certainly had no evidence to the contrary. Can I relax and be fully myself with them? Yes of course I can, because after so long I am now secure and confident in the person that I am.

But I was very selective about who I reconnected with. So I think my advice would be think about each individual individually. Sure, maybe move away, but keep in touch with at least a few carefully selected friends. If you decide to keep in touch explain to them that you would rather that they did NOT give out you new address etc to anyone without your prior consent. If they are a real friend they will surely understand and respect your wishes.

Of those who knew me before, one is the only person besides my partner Alison whom I know, that if I was on trial for my life, would drop everything and come to my aid!

And Naturally Blonde - I have to say anyone who sends you that sort of abuse is no friend and certainly never was one! He was just a hanger on who was using you. After all true friend, as someone wise once said, is someone who truly knows you and still likes you!

Real friendship is one of the most precious gifts that we have. I beg both of you not to throw it away indisciminately, for experience teaches me that you will almost certainly live to regret such an action.

[spacial]

I had to cut myself from a lot of people, including my immediate family.

I didn't change, of course, but I did decide to live as I feel rather than the standards of male behaviour, their society expects.

If you think about it, what they want is to run your life. They aren't accepting you as firends do. They are seeking to control you as a bully does.

Sorry to say it, but these people are best avoided and completely ignored.

[juliekins]

When people judge, it says more about them than it does you! They were probably raised in a judgmental, phobic family and have developed lifelong insecurities about themselves. My own family is treating me like a leper, but this says more about their weaknesses than any personal flaws that I have.

Julie Marie were at our accountant the other night doing our taxes, and had a pleasant visit with him. (at least as much as you can when paying taxes). We were remarking on the way home how accepting and unaffected he was by our presence. This was the 2nd yr. he's worked with Julie post F/T. What we found so unusual was how normally he treated us. It was remarkable because, all to often, we have to be on guard and expect to get a "social black eye", especially when they definately know our past. It's sad that, all too often, we don't get the complete acceptance that other people receive. His reaction was no more than if we had changed our hairstyle. That said, don't give up on people in general. Do prevent those who are hostile against you from continuing to do harm. Let them know that if they can act decently and hospitably, then you won't close your door on them. 

[Naturally Blonde]

I had to cut myself from a lot of people, including my immediate family.

I didn't change, of course, but I did decide to live as I feel rather than the standards of male behaviour, their society expects.

If you think about it, what they want is to run your life. They aren't accepting you as firends do. They are seeking to control you as a bully does.

Sorry to say it, but these people are best avoided and completely ignored.

I completely agree with your post Spacial. The 'old male friend' who sent the vindictive, bigoted and abusive email is the same guy who also disowned his own children, never paid maintenance and never bothered to see them grow up.

[loulou]

I've cut a few people from my life because I found they were talking about me behind my back.  Thats the minority three people amongst many who couldn't cope with it.  You can't let them have control though and you always need to remember that the bad apples are just that.  I don't think you should tar the rest of your pre-transition firends with the same brush.

[Julie Wilson]

Anytime I feel like being regarded as a man who has a mental problem or as a guy who likes to live and dress "like" a woman... I make certain to hang out with old friends and acquaintances. 

I won't seek the approval and acceptance of family and old acquaintances.  I have found it best to throw out the "baby" with the bath water.  The baby doesn't care anyway, because to the "baby" I betrayed him or her by "trying" to be a different person.

People love to hold you to the past (in my experiences).

And no matter how good you look (even after FFS or BAS), it just never makes any difference to them.  You will always be who you were before because they can't reprocess their memories of you and allow you to be who you really are.

(This is my experience, YMMV)

One of the nicest friends I ever had felt it necessary to tell me that no matter what, I will always be part guy to him.  I decided I was tired of dealing with other people's perceptions of me, people from the past... I am done with all of them.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Everyone's situation is different.  Everyone's needs are different.  What works for one will not work for all.

[JillEclipse]

EDIT: Go easy on them, Luv2Dance. Not all of them are saying it in a bad way. Me for example. If I was close friends with, lets say another boy my age, so right now he'd be 19. If say, I hadn't seen him for a year, and I saw him right now, and he was a woman, he even had a sex change. I might say to him, "but to me a part of you will always be male." Because that would be the truth, I did cherish him in the past when he was a male, and that part I will always cherish. And I'd still love him as a woman, but to me he'd be the same guy that I always loved. And eventually, I probably would consider him a woman, but probably, I would, due to habit, accidentally refer to him as a man every now and then. But I'd still love him, with all my heart.

Yes, some of them do say it to be mean, but not everyone.

[Sarah B]

Naturally Blonde

I would suggest you get rid of him literally and figuratively.  He is not a friend now, judging by the description given of him and what he has now done.  No one should have to put up with any type of abusive behavior ever.

If you can 'block' him do so, keep a copy of all these type of messages, however do not engage in any conversation with him.  If necessary report him, if the messages get more serious.

I hope this helps and take care.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Naturally Blonde]

Naturally Blonde

I would suggest you get rid of him literally and figuratively.  He is not a friend now, judging by the description given of him and what he has now done.  No one should have to put up with any type of abusive behavior ever.

If you can 'block' him do so, keep a copy of all these type of messages, however do not engage in any conversation with him.  If necessary report him, if the messages get more serious.

I hope this helps and take care.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Hi Sarah, he has now continued to send me six more abusive and offensive emails and it has been very upsetting and I have been in tears about it. I have retaliated a couple of times and sent messages back which is what he wants me to do no doubt, then he will know he is upsetting me.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and friendship  and I do think on many occasions it's not a good idea to hang onto people from the past who may become bigoted and abusive towards us.

Post Merge: March 20, 2010, 02:28:42 PM

Go easy on them. Not all of them are saying it in a bad way. Me for example. If I was close friends with, lets say another boy my age, so right now he'd be 19. If say, I hadn't seen him for a year, and I saw him right now, and he was a woman, he even had a sex change. I might say to him, "but to me a part of you will always be male." Because that would be the truth, I did cherish him in the past when he was a male, and that part I will always cherish. And I'd still love him as a woman, but to me he'd be the same guy that I always loved. And eventually, I probably would consider him a woman, but probably, I would, due to habit, accidentally refer to him as a man every now and then. But I'd still love him, with all my heart.

Yes, some of them do say it to be mean, but not everyone.

The kind of vindictive abuse I'm receiving isn't the same situation as what you are talking about in your post.

[Sarah B]

Hi Naturally Blonde

I'm sorry to hear that, But Please, do not answer any more of his Email or messages No matter how much it hurts.

He is acting like a TROLL and he wants that bite and you are literally feeding him.  Just keep the messages like I said and again please do not answer him in anyway.

Keep your chin up you are a much stronger and better person than he will ever be.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

[JillEclipse]

Hi Sarah, he has now continued to send me six more abusive and offensive emails and it has been very upsetting and I have been in tears about it. I have retaliated a couple of times and sent messages back which is what he wants me to do no doubt, then he will know he is upsetting me.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and friendship  and I do think on many occasions it's not a good idea to hang onto people from the past who may become bigoted and abusive towards us.

Post Merge: March 20, 2010, 02:28:42 PM
The kind of vindictive abuse I'm receiving isn't the same situation as what you are talking about in your post.

I know that, my post was directed towards Luv2Dance. I feel your "friend" has betrayed you, and IS trying to hurt your feelings. Sorry for any confusion.

[Samantha_Peterson]

I would have to say that someone like that cannot be counted as a friend any longer. I have been lucky in the first two people that I have told about being a crossdresser however, this situation is one of the things I fear most about going out into the open about who I am. I am sorry for how he is treating you. I don't believe we need to cut all of our former ties but I believe we should cut those that harm us. This "friend" sounds like one of those harmful ones to me.

[ivy]

I would let him carry on and I would give him enough rope to hang himself with so to speak. If the harrassment continues or (hopefully not) escelates you may have a case against him. At least a civil case. Find out what can be done, as laws vary from place to place.  Stalking, harrassment, defamation of character, terroristic threats, detracting from your over-all quality of life are crimnial acts. But, honestly, this "person" may not even be worth the aggravation!

[lilacwoman]

simplest way to stop this crap would be to send a report to his internet provider...there are laws against sending nasty emails.

or if you know his address you could always ask your local police to pay him a call...

don't suffer in silence.

[rejennyrated]

simplest way to stop this crap would be to send a report to his internet provider...there are laws against sending nasty emails.

or if you know his address you could always ask your local police to pay him a call...

don't suffer in silence.

I wholeheartedly concur!

[Naturally Blonde]

simplest way to stop this crap would be to send a report to his internet provider...there are laws against sending nasty emails.

or if you know his address you could always ask your local police to pay him a call...

don't suffer in silence.

I'm now starting to think you are right Lilac. I have received more vindictive and abusive emails and I may now seek legal advice and possibly contact the police.