Officially starting therapy soon! :D

[colormyworld]

So I had an appointment with my counselor on Wednesday, and I was determined to tell her all about how I want to be seen as a boy and stuff, she's been trying to make me go to therapy for my anxiety for quite a bit, so I knew she'd be more than willing to throw me right into therapy when I told her *this* haha. *almost* chickened out, but I knew I had to start somewhere, and I couldn't let a certain girl *cough*Emily*cough* know that I chickened out, or I'd *NEVER* live it down! haha

SO on February 3rd, I officially start my first therapy session!  Excited and scared all at the same time! My counselor recommended having my mom sit in for the first part of the session with the therapist, but my mom still doesn't know... so yeah.. but I also think the counselor forgets I'm not a minor so I might be able to dodge that bullet... not that I'm not going to have to tell my mom eventually! ARGH! haha

[Randi]

Good for you! Therapy has helped me so much-I was afraid too but that disappeared after the first few minutes and I love my therapist!!

Randi

[colormyworld]

So everything went pretty good, I'd say... It was mostly about my anxiety in general, why I'm scared half to death to drive, why I'm so shy and hate socializing, etc. but she did say that she has dealt with trans people in the past, so that's a good sign, I believe!

The only down side is, that my mom still doesn't know about the trans thoughts and stuff. She still thinks the only reason I'm in therapy is for my anxiety (which she insists that I don't need therapy to help with it, because the medicine should help just fine) And when she found out that I'd have to go weekly for a few weeks, she was kinda like "Uhm, you don't need to be in therapy in the first place, now they're telling you that you need to go every week"
Ugh... To top that off (and kind of make me feel guilty for hiding this for so long..) on the way home she said "we're a close family, there's noting going on that's strange at home, I think you have a good home life, I'm not overprotective, yadda yadda. If there was anything going on that you would need therapy for, I would know it, you're fine, you're just a bit shy"

She was going to have my grandma take me to the next appointment, but then she's like "No, I want to talk to her next time, I want to know why she thinks you need to be in therapy in the first place."

I KNOW that I need to tell her, it's not like I can hide it from her for very long. I've always been really close with my mom, it's just this one thing that I've hidden from her, I have no idea how she'll react, and I'm afraid to find out.. I know I shouldn't be this way, but really, without the support of my family, I have nothing. If God forbid my family kicks me out or something, I will be totally lost... I feel horrible hiding something like this from her, but I don't even have the courage to say the words.. 

Parts of me think I should just suck it up and try being a 'girl' again, at least I won't be disappointing anyone else.. I can be myself once I'm financially and mentally stable enough on my own.

I just can't handle this...

[Randi]

Your Mom obviously cares about you or she would not get upset at the thought that there is a problem. This probably won't be easy for her either and her initial reaction may not be pleasant to witness-be ready. When I came out my wife went bonkers at first then she went thru the process of grieving-this took several days. When she calmed down and thought about it rationally, she could finally talk to me about it directly. I can relate to presenting as somebody who we are not. We do what we must to survive in a society that is against us at every turn because they don't understand us and are afraid of the unknown.

I hope things go well with you and your Mom.

Randi

[spacial]

I say, with respect, you mom is feeling very insecure about therapy. Like many people, she undoubtedly sees it as a probing exercise which will result in an endless list of criticisms of her as a mother, a wife and a house keeper.

You must tell her  the real resons for all this as soon as possible.

Otherwise, you risk alienating your mom and take my word for it, that will hurt you more than you can ever imagine.

[colormyworld]

I've been trying to think of how/when would be the best time to tell  my mom.. She can't be tired or in a bad mood, or she'll end up yelling at me whether she means it or not. It has to be a time where my brother isn't home or is very preoccupied with something else so I can have time to talk to her, my brother's the kind of person that won't give you any privacy, and feels everything anyone does is his business, so the kid's gotta be pretty distracted.. I need to try not to freak out myself and trip over my words and stuff. I have to word myself so that I don't sound like I'm trying to go against her or anything. I need to remember to stay calm and be prepared for whatever response I get and make sure I don't bust out in tears or something.

I was thinking about maybe writing her a letter explaining everything, that way I can make sure that I have complete coherent thoughts and I won't accidentally sound like I'm pointing fingers or something. That way, she can read it through, have time to process the information and then talk to me about it. It kind of sounds like the cowards way, but I think it would be easier on the both of us. I dunno...

I don't exactly have any reason to think that she won't accept it (other than the fact that she thinks it's "weird" to feel that way, but I think that's just from lack of knowledge on the subject) but I just worry a whole lot and can't help but prepare for the worst. You never really know though, anything could happen.

I almost kind of wish she would just 'accidentally' find out on her own, or get a suspicion , but that's totally the coward's way out! I'm also not so sure she would 'get' it, even if I left 'clues' or something... I mean, she knows I tend to wear guy's jeans (and she doesn't understand why I prefer them over women's 'cause they don't fit women's curves'  ) and many of my t shirts and hoodies are guys' the rest are more gender neutral 'womens' clothes, she knows I don't like wearing any kind of make up, except for nailpolish, she knows that I hate skirts and that I have to wear leggings under my stupid required work skirt or I feel odd. Surely if she was going to figure it out on her own, she would have by now! LOL

Heh, sorry... I tend to ramble

-Aidan

[spacial]

Aidan

I think quite a few people will understand exactly how you feel on so mnay of the issues in #5.

You must, of course, do what you feel is right and most appropriate.

One option, that you didn't mention, is perhaps, arranging to be outside, walking, with her and tell her directly. You could go to the store with her, or ask her to come with you for some reason.

Then, just come out and say it.

This might create two advantages. Firstly, outside, she will be identifying with you. Secondly, outside, she will be less likely to over react.

[colormyworld]

Hmm the outdoors/public area might be a good idea! I'll have to keep that in mind!! :] heh, or perhaps next time we're both at work together... surely she's not going to freak out on the job, right? LOL
Post Merge: February 06, 2010, 06:52:19 AM
Ok, well I ended up writing a two page typed letter, so when I feel the time is good, I can give it to her. I tried hand writing it, since it would be a little bit more personal, but my writing really kinda sucks, so it was horribly hard to read! heh

It's really very basic and straight forward, just explaining that ever since puberty, I felt that my body was wrong, I'd hoped that I'd get over it and grow out of it, but never did, one of the reasons I'm in therapy is so that I can sort all these feelings out and stuff, told her I hoped she understood why I've hid these feeling from her for so long, that I wasn't keeping them from her because of lack of love or trust. Just kind of basic background info kinda, didn't want to overwhelm her with everything that I hope to do about this in the future and stuff. I feel she'll have enough information to process, and then she can come to me and ask for more info when she's ready for it, and we can talk further one on one.

Now just to gather the courage to actually give her the letter! ><