in love with the one i can't have...need some feedback (sorry for the length)

[k_tech]

so...i made my first therapy appointment for this wednesday. i'd been thinking about it for a while, did some research and called. she has experience in trans/queer issues so that's nice. i had a good feeling about it all while i spoke to her over the phone. it's going to cost me $75 a session. how does that compare to what others are paying? i'm uninsured and she said she prefers not to deal with insurance companies anyway. she says that her rate is pretty low compared to others. i'm getting a stronger and stronger feeling that transitioning is going to happen. i just don't know when. i've talked with my partner extensively about this and she's giving me total support. she says her biggest hang up is the penis thing. and i've assured her that i don't want to penis. it really doesn't interest me. i just want an outward male appearance. i'm not very genitally focused and don't seem to have any dysphoria about that part of my body.

so in other news, i had what might be terms a wonderawful weekend. i'm in love with another woman. (my partner knows.) the woman i'm in love with was my co-worker for over three years. we were an EMT/Paramedic team for the local EMS service. we were extremely close. i stuck with her while she went through a terrible time of abuse from her husband and the subsequent divorce/reuniting/break up for good. i entertained many thoughts of disposing of him but never followed through. jail disagrees with me. we work in a rough urban environment with a lot of crime and dangerous situations and one of my greatest responsibilities was watching her back while she was focused on the patient. this fostered a very protective instinct on my part. eventually it evolved into a deep love.
naturally of course, she is straight (and sees me as female.) these feelings of mine have stayed consistent throughout the last three plus years. in august i went part-time at the company so i could be a caretaker to my grandmother. since then she and i have hung out on several occasions, met for dinner, a hockey game, etc. usually my partner has come along but the last few times i've gone alone. so friday night we met at a bar. i was already down there with several of my friends and when she showed up i was attached to her like glue. i don't know if she notices. i sort of feel like i wear my heart on my sleeve but i've never said anything specific. she's often going on about some guy who's been flirting with her, etc. of course i was drinking, so that amplified every single emotion. not wise, but being sober sure didn't seem like fun. so friday night was basically okay. she mentioned she was going to a blues bar saturday night with some friends from a singles group she goes to. here's where it gets interesting. all saturday long i debated on whether or not i should go. i really need to keep the self punishment to a minimum but this has been a difficult habit to break. finally at the last minute i put on my best boy clothes, binder, boots and all. now i really don't pass well in general so what happened while i was there surprised me. i showed up and found her hanging out with her pals. she introduced me to a few of her friends and everyone read me as a guy. i was not expecting this at all. i figured at least my voice would give me away but it didn't seem to. every interaction was "hey dude" "sir" "man, look at her. isn't she hot?" but the clincher was when she single's group organizer (a woman) approached me, gave me a slip of paper with the sign up info on it and said i should really thinking about joining because "it's usually such a girls' club and we really need more guys to balance things out. after all, the women come to the group to look for dates." i'm not sure what expression i had on my face just then, but i'm sure it was a good one. all i said was thanks. it was surreal. i just figured i'd be read as a lesbian as usual but that didn't seem to be the case.
so in the midst of all that, there's a lot of drunken dancing going. i was sort of dancing near her but not with her if that makes sense. and of course i had raging emotions the whole time. at one point some square of a dude tried to get too personal with her and i slid in between them to get him to back off but she didn't really acknowledge the gesture even though her expression said she didn't want that guy anywhere near her. after i made sure she had quit drinking and was going to hang out a while to sober up, i decided to leave.
as i was walking back to my car, something in me snapped and i dug my car key really hard into my forearm several times, leaving big welts. i've never done anything like that before. then i got into the car and screamed at the top of my lungs until i'd nearly lost my voice. i felt like i was coming apart at the seams. i got home and told my partner everything and we discussed it more this morning while i was nursing a hangover and i've really only got one option: to tell her how i feel. i think it'll take the power out of it. i've been in a similar situation that spiraled into very destructive behaviors and thoughts. that was a decade ago. i don't want to go through this anymore.
and after some deep ruminations i've realized that all this gender/trans stuff started to form as i was growing more and more attracted to her. in fact i've had dreams where i go away for a while, transition, show up at her door step and it's happily ever after. i know what's pathetic and absurd but it's what's happening in my head. i know i need to put all this in perspective but i'm not sure how.

feedback requested. if you've read this far, thank you. i'll try to contribute more to the board in return.

[notyouraverageguy]

Wow... okay, so I read the entire thing... sounds like a sticky situation...

Thing is, I somewhat get you... I, myself, am crushing BIG TIME on a friend of mine. I told her, and she doesn't see me like that. Which sucks cause everyday I see her, every time we talk, I start to like her more. She knows almost everything, I've told her how I feel and what I think. But you know, you can't force someone to like you like that...
Anyways, idk the situation with you and your partner, but if you feel this strongly for someone and its been for a while... I say tell the person. Trust me, I've been in situations where im like I wish I would've told you how I felt. Cause then you're left wondering what if, what could've been. And its so amazing that my friend hasn't been weird about it or anything. I mean, I did get confused because it felt like she was still leading me on after she told me she doesn't see me like that, and I talked to her about it. And she had said that things were gonna change, cause we flirt a lot and the way I act with her I don't act with anyone else, and the way she acts with me she doesn't act with anyone else. I guess we just have this thing, a good friendship? Idk, I don't understand it. But I had told her that I didn't want things to change, and that I was sorry for everything. For gaining feelings for her, for thinking she liked me back, and for feeling lead on even after she told me she didn't like me. So idk, some ppl can make it weird. Some ppl will change things. Some ppl may be cool, like my friend, and stay the same even if they don't feel for you. And some ppl may feel the same back. Maybe you should come out to her first, if you already haven't. Then tell her about your feelings. I sometimes feel like a freak because of the way I feel about my friend, but I try so hard not to make it seem creepy lol.
So yeah, I think you should let your feelings out and straight out tell her. Cause my friend swears she didn't know and didn't see it, even though all our friends were telling her I liked her, she didn't believe it or choose to see it until I told her. So you never know what someones thinking, or what they see or know, unless you ask/tell.
Don't be left wondering what if, but you know her and can predict her reaction. Just try to make sure she doesn't get weirded out or tries to change things for the bad, you know.

[k_tech]

thanks for the reply.

no, i definitely do not want her freaking out. i don't think she will but i'm not sure she'll grasp the whole trans thing either. but i was sort of leaning towards coming out to her then following up with how i felt. i just know that this is going to need to be resolved somehow, and soon.

[Nicky]

Where does your partner fit in all of this? It is understandable and normal to have crushes on other people while with partner but that does not mean you have to act on it. Or is this a sign that you want to get out of your current relationship? Or do you guys have a rather open thing going on?

[Lachlann]

Where does your partner fit in all of this? It is understandable and normal to have crushes on other people while with partner but that does not mean you have to act on it. Or is this a sign that you want to get out of your current relationship? Or do you guys have a rather open thing going on?

I kind of agree with this. Unless your relationship is open you're not being very fair to your partner.

I can empathize with you deeply, though.

[k_tech]

my partner has known, almost from the beginning, how my feelings are towards this woman. she is being very patient and understanding. she says she just wishes i wasn't going through such a tough thing. (i have a very good partner. i realize this.) as far as i can tell and by going by what she's told me, she doesn't feel threatened, angry, or jealous. i have always been upfront and honest that i have a history of forming emotional attachments to more than one woman at a time. our relationship has remained very solid throughout all this, amazingly. and while we've discussed the potential of having an open relationship, neither of us has pursued that yet.

[Nicky]

Is it worth risking your relationship with this awsome person you already have? Maybe you need to talk to her about this?

I just think that even though you are capable of forming emotional attachments to more than one woman, and your partner seems peachy with this (although perhaps a 3 relationship way with you in the middle has not been well thought out at this stage), and you have feelings for this other person, I just don't see why you would 'need' to pursue it. You still don't need to act on it even if you can.

Certainly poly-type relationships can work, I just don't understand the need for it.

You have a gold mine, something a lot of trans people dream about. A woman you love that is comfortable with you being trans and transitioning and will continue to love you regardless. Don't spoil it if you don't have to. Go home and give that girl a big kiss and wonder out loud how you could ever end up with someone so good.

[k_tech]

@nicky-

don't worry. she gets big thanks from me everyday. i tell her i don't deserve her. we've discussed the situation extensively. i know i've got it good. i really just want to put these other emotional attachments to rest and hopefully keep a good friendship with 'the other woman.'

thanks for the response.

[Cowboi]

don't worry. she gets big thanks from me everyday. i tell her i don't deserve her. we've discussed the situation extensively. i know i've got it good. i really just want to put these other emotional attachments to rest and hopefully keep a good friendship with 'the other woman.'

So I read this all earlier today and decided to check back and share a bit. I do have to say that it's good you realize that you have an amazing partner, because you definitely do. I also think it's good that you state you just want to be honest with this other woman so you can remain friends, just make sure that is where you are heading. Don't go to her with the hopes that she will feel the same, go knowing that you just want to remain friends. Hoping for anything more than that just opens you up for disaster, not only if she were not to feel the same way... but what if she did? Do you know that you would not act in a way that would hurt your current partner? I guess the idea that I'm getting at is to be sure that you are being open to preserve the friendship, not in any effort to push something forward. If you want something to come of it then you may need to rethink what you are doing. Sometimes we find ourselves caring for more than one person, but when it comes to the end of the day and you can only go home to one make sure you are going home to the RIGHT one.

I have a very good friend who I have a similar relationship with, Sonia, the difference being that I was much younger when I met her (I was about 15 and Sonia was about 32). She is still my best friend and is somewhat like a mother to me now. However I was crazy in love with her for a long long time. Everyone I dated before my current partner was aware that as much as I may have cared for them that no one would ever be put before her. Sonia has appreciated my caring manner and the ways that I look out for her, it was easier because I was young so she could pass it off easily as a childhood crush and didn't have to be concerned with it. By the time I was old enough for her to realize that my feelings were not going away I was mature enough to deal with them appropriately. I would rather be her best friend than not have her in my life at all. Her partner of 10+ years has also become a close friend of mine, and her daughter thinks of me as her older brother. I have a deep involvement in their lives, but luckily we have no issues, they love my partner and are more than happy to have her in their lives as well.

If we ever did have an issue though, and I had to choose where I stand, I would stand by my fiancee. I love Sonia, but I love my fiancee as well, and when it comes down to it only one of them has stuck by ME. Sonia has been my best friend, she has acted as a mother to me when my own mother couldn't/wouldn't do so... but my fiancee is the person who loves me, who has pledged to share her life with me, no amount of history and no amount of love could tempt me away from a good woman who can give and offer me more than I need or deserve.

Uhm...so now that I rambled a bit I think I got my point across, haha. I'm sorry, I'm tired today and think I may be getting sick so my thoughts are a little jumbled (which is why I didn't post earlier, believe me, I tried!)

If none of this makes sense just let me know and I will attempt to figure out what the hell I was getting at