Trouble at work

[FullofPop]

I noticed a similar post further down the board, but my situation is slightly different, so I hope a new post is okay. Also this got really ramble-y I'm sorry here's a summary: Trying to be male/stealth at work, it's too much too soon, can't get out of it, want to die, need help.

Briefly about me: 25 years old, FtM, about 5 weeks on T. I do not even begin to pass.

I work with kids at a school, and I decided last year that it would be easier for everyone involved if I switched sites between semesters-same job, but moved to a different school. I could start at the new place as Mr. FullofPop and all would be well. The school's principal, VP, and my immediate supervisor all know and I have had the consent and help of my district's HR as well as my union.

The thing is I've made an awful mistake. I was ready to begin transitioning, but going stealth was too much. I don't like this new program near as much as the older one. Suddenly being under pressure to try and present at work and assert to my students (one of which remembers me from the other school) and co-workers a hundred times a day that I am in fact MR. FULLOFPOP when I look nothing like a mister is making me depressed at the thought of going back there. Nearly suicidally depressed. I would honestly rather die in my sleep than have to face this again on Tuesday.

But I don't know what else to do. I doubt my old position is still open, and since I left a big coming out letter to my co-workers before I left it could be terribly awkward-especially as my voice and appearance change in the coming months. I can't just quit this job because I have no other immediate prospects and I need the money. I really don't know what to do, but I'm worried about the fact I'm sitting here hoping for illness/disability/horrific car accidents to befall me before Tuesday.

If anyone has ideas, they'd be greatly appreciated. I'm going to call HR first thing Tuesday morning, but they've been kind of fumbling along with me as is. If I don't even know what I want to do, I don't know what they'll be able to do for me.

[spacial]

Hi ya.

You could just try to present as who and what you are.

Stand your ground. Be yourself and let who you are develop in its own time.

Just remember, you have the skills. You know what you're doing.

[sneakersjay]

Nothing easy about coming out at work, that's for sure.  I came out 15 months ago, and while overall it has been a non-issue, meaning nobody has given me any grief over it, I still have some people tripping up the pronouns, even though nobody would ever mistake me as F.  Including one coworker last night, who has been great with the whole thing, said yes, ma'am to me after something I said... and I said, hello?  ma'am?? and she said sorry, I'm tired and not thinking clearly.  So even still it's in the backs of their minds on some level...and old habits die hard.

Hang in there.  I could not have gone stealth at all early in transition.  Even now my past will get me on some level ... kids, licenses, etc.


Jay