Quitting transtion and breasts

[spacial]

Mari

If I may suggest, practically no-one becomes the woman they dream of, even people born female.

That's the dichotomy of woman. It's the spur that drives women to continually improve and try new things.

Marylin Munroe, who is often held as an ideal, made enormous efforts and changes. She dyed her hair, wore makeup, adapted her personality and spend huge amounts of time doing various exercise to maintain her appearance.

You clearly have an ideal, That's good, all women should have a goal. Have you perhaps lost confidence in your ideal?

You say you are over-weight. Have you been influenced by some health fascists to see being big as something undesierable?

I'm not trying to change or alter your decisions. I'm putting these points for you to consider.

[Just Kate]

@interalia:
First of all could you tell me how long have you been on HRT? I am 1,5 years now, and because i am somewhat overweight i do have a certain portion of fat on my breasts just that i can't really tell how much of it is fat and how much is the breast tissue itself.
I will be 22 in a few months so, if you say you are 30 and have stopped transition 8 years ago, it means you were 22 at that time as well. 
My primary reason to start questioning and thinking through my initially very firm and strong decision to switch sex, is that i am afraid my expectations won't be merely met if i go through this. I was hoping for something totally different but, as i said, i can't see it coming.
On the other hand, i am not releigious, and therefore do not belong to any church or institution and don't fall under anyone's judgement of morality or something like that. And in my opinion all these ex-gay, ex-trans, ex-whatever movements are just a piece of crap.
I have faced the fact that, no way i will ever pass perfectly, even with all the surgeries and all the money in the world (even if i could afford all that but i surely can't). I will get read more or less often but i will, and the closer someone comes the greater chances he/she will read me. Surely i might pass to a stranger, or shop assistant, or someone who is totally not looking and totally not interested, but if someone was to take a closer look at me, there would be many trans clues,a nd i would get clocked easily.
And that is the fact i am not ok with. The whole purpose of transition for me was to simply become a woman/girl, but it seems i will never be able to get there, and therefore it lost its purpose. Surely i can be a trasngirl and live a life that way, but i don't think that will make me much happier, because that wasn't my initial goal.
The only thing i am afraid is that, like due to "untreated" GID i might go insane, depressed, suicidal, if it really gets so, as some have pointed out.

And another thought, that was allways in my head. What is the point of transitioning if you can't ever, like in a 100 years, pass? If you are going to be looked at as a guy in a dress instead of just a guy? Will that make someone more happy, that thay are not a guy but a guy in a dress, at least in someone's other eyes? I hope my question isn't offensive to anybody, and if it is i apologize in advance.

Was on HRT over a year, but not much more than that.  I had an orchiectomy shortly after I started HRT, so the HRT had a pretty dramatic effect after that.

If transition fails to meet your expectations and you quit, it IS possible that one day you will wonder, "if I had different expectations, maybe transition would have worked, perhaps I should try it again."  What I'm saying by that is that there is a good chance you'll be back if it is only a matter of your expectations because I promise your expectations will change the older you get and your mind will only be more tempted toward transition as you deal with the reality of a life with GID.

I quit transition because I realized there were aspects of transition I couldn't live with, something more enduring and damaging than my GID - the idea of lying to others.  It affected me so strongly, that I realized I'd sooner live with my GID than live knowing the lie my life would be.  You could say I didn't handle being stealth very well.

It was only then I started looking for ways to deal with my GID without complete transition and to date have been successful, but I recognize that the pull to transition is totally there.  I find myself missing elements of my transition, and if I don't also remember the heartache I experienced, I'd be tempted to believe my transition was all roses and wonder why I didn't continue in it.

I hope that answers some of your questions.  I'm certainly open to more.

[Cindy Stephens]

I have been on HRT for 5 years and have had good solid growth with B cups.  I am married, completely accepting wife, family who knows, and a good job.  I choose not to transition, at this time, because it would totally disrupt my financial life.  Like  you, I don't think that I would pass well enough to maintain my job.  Now,  I do every thing possible to make myself less "transition crazy" as possible.  I have had all my facial hair removed.  I shave legs and pits.  I live as a girl on weekends.  My wife and I have an agreement that we will not flaunt it, nor deny it if asked.  I am never asked.  I will admit that I come across as pretty straight to those around me in the business world.  I hope that this will give you encouragement that it is possible, for some of us, to live in both worlds.  Perhaps some of the postings that you are reading stress that they would die if they didn't transition.  That, maybe, isn't you.  Your postings don't sound that way, yet you don't see a possible middle way.  I am trying to let you know that maybe there is, and it works for me. Good luck.

[Breastquest]

I am married, completely accepting wife, family who knows, and a good job.  I choose not to transition, at this time, because it would totally disrupt my financial life.  Like  you, I don't think that I would pass well enough to maintain my job

This is me in a nut shell. I just enjoy my breasts. Even though I never flaunt them, I don't care about the occasional look from someone because that someone has nothing to do with my life.

[Dryad]

To be completely honest:
....
I'm a hypocrite. Hear me out, though, hypocritical as I may sound:

I'm afraid of losing family, yet I will try out dressing up, and if that works out, taking it further, even though I'm really scared.
For everyone not related to me: I couldn't care less about what they think. Honestly. I don't care if they're the ones paying me; I live in a country where it's illegal to fire people on personal grounds. If they make up a sorry excuse to fire me, anyway: Right; bye, then. If you don't like me: Whoops; your problem.
I've lived through an extremely violent childhood and teens, and survived, and all I've learned is: You can't satisfy people. No matter how hard you try to be the kind of person people like, you won't fit in with everyone. I've tried, and tried. I've tried to like 'boy things,' but I didn't understand them, so I looked at them from the wrong angle. I've toughened up to defend myself, but all that did was get me into more violence. (Though I have to admit it did save my life.) I even went as far as allowing people (of both genders) to sexually (ab)use me. All in order for people to accept me.
And you know what? Nada. Nothing works.
And now.. I try to be myself. I'm ad-libbing my life, and though I have my fears and financial problems, at least I'm no longer an outcast. I've learnt to speak my mind, and make it perfectly clear that whatever anyone thinks of it, it is mine. I'm open about nearly everything I feel, too, and to nearly everyone.
And now, I get along easily with just about everyone I meet! It's like a miracle happened. And all I did was to stop being the person I had to be, and became more of the person I am. (Sure; changing some things in my life at the right time helped. Suddenly becoming a pacifist while someone's trying to stab you is not a good move. )

It doesn't matter if you fail to live up to someone else's expectations. Honestly. If people look at you, and go: 'Oh, hey! A ->-bleeped-<-!' Well; why should you care? What's it to you? The people you love and care about; it's their opinion that matters but, given time, most of them sway, at some point or other.
And most importantly: It's who, and what, you want to be that matters.

And trust me; you won't go insane if you don't. Well; if you're not insane already, you won't. It requires a lót to become insane, for most people, and the threshold is genetic. Anyway; yes. You might become suicidal. That's not up to me, or anyone else. It's up to you, and how you feel about you, and your existence. You may live (un)happily ever after, or you may succeed in killing yourself. Whichever it is, you choose which of the three, and you choose what's important to you.

I'm very sorry if I sound really harsh on this. Really. I don't want to come across as that harsh. But it's what life so far has taught me.

Oh, and an edit: This is not a post about how you should continue with HRT. This is a post about how you should make the choice for yourself; not to appease the crowd. Or even me. Whichever you choose, it has to be for you.

[Mari]

Hello everybody,
Its been quite a while since i written on the forum, but i am sure some of you will remember my story (or if you don't you can read it now ) I have since then taken some time off this forum, and also from the HRT, but it eventually helped me realize that i want to go through it, despite all the obstacles. So, i just wanted to give you a little update on the "story" I've started over a year ago (and i must say the time really did fly)

[spacial]

Thank you Mari.

You do seem more positive. Don't be a stranger.

[RAY]

ItIT is never easy to live the way you want when face by society that does not accept you for you. You must make that choice to live as you want to.

[Mari]

Thank you, and i most definitely won't be a stranger,
just that i am sometimes too lazy to write