Planning the Talk with HR

[Dana_W]

Hey there all. I'm looking for some opinions on the topic of coming out in the work place.

I believe I work for a really cool company that will most likely allow me to transition without changing jobs. But you never know. So I would like to handle this with my company's HR department as professionally and properly as I can. Toward that end, I need some advice.

I had not planned on transitioning on the job until the very end of this year at the soonest, and more probably not until sometime in 2011. However things seem to be progressing a little faster than I had expected - especially in the chestular area. And as subtle changes continue apace when it comes to body hair and shape, I'm actually starting to grow concerned that I will be "read" before I have done the official coming out. And that could lead to problems. So I want to be proactive and at the very least get my HR department informed about things before that happens.

Has anyone tried this before? I mean... I didn't expect to go to HR until I was ready to transition right now, and we just needed to work out the details. But this is a more general "Hey, guess what I'm going to be coming to you with some time later this year" kind of thing. Does this sound like a good move or a bad move on my part?

[sneakersjay]

I followed the guidelines here at Susans and other places (google).  I went in armed with a personal letter, excerpts from the law, information on what it means to be transgender (technical without being too detailed), what I expected from them, etc.  Was a non-issue for my company.  They set a date and I came out a month later.


Good luck!  I was 3 months on T and starting to change.


Jay

[Dana_W]

Thanks for the advice, Jay. I've just been reading that section her at Susan's based on your recommendation. I know I've reviewed it before, but it's amazing what you miss when this stuff seems like the remote future, rather than something you need to get planning for now.

This part still has me flip-flopping between good idea and bad idea though...

You should have a rough idea of a date when you would like to initially make the announcement and then the date you would like to transition in the workplace, notice I said "like", you should not be making any demands at this point. Many recommend three to six months hence but the author would recommend eight to ten months.

I have a rough idea of the date, but it's rather conditional at this point upon how well certain other things develop. I mean I would LOVE to tell them I would like to transition in six months, give or take. But what if my appearance isn't quite professional enough to do it properly by then? What if I tell them 8 to 10 months, but I start getting read and rumors start to fly in 4 or 5? Or even 2 or 3? This is where I'm kind of flummoxed at the moment. The rest all sounds very thorough and helpful. But the date thing is making me second guess myself back and forth.

[sneakersjay]

Realize that you'll probably never know when you'll pass 100% so pick a date that YOU can live with.  I came out after I started passing pretty much outside of work.  If you're seeing a lot of changes and when you are out as yourself you pass fairly well, then it may be time.  From your pic you look pretty darn good to me! 


Jay

[Dana Lane]

Hi Diana,

I came out to my HR department with a 'heads up' that I would be transitioning. I began showing signs of being more feminine from hormones and the way I started presenting myself. Femdrogynous. Before I did that I made sure to check our companies policies and they have protections in place for gender identity and expression.

I wanted to let them know what I was going through but I told them I would work with my therapist to figure out what date I would begin full time. This includes my legal name change as well. I know what you mean about the chestular area. That can somewhat determine your timeframe.

I have already told everyone I know in my personal life as well as professional life including the VP of my division. I did this because I wanted to be myself along the entire path and wanted people to know ahead of time in the event I came to work with a huge rack all of a sudden.

I wish you the best of luck!

[tiger]

I'm also at that cross roads. Im probably going to have to have a talk with HR sooner than later. There are other people who have transitioned at my place of work, but i don't know any of them personally. It is a fortune 500 company.

I'm figuring that is is best to at lest let HR know what is going on well ahead of time and move the date forward or backward based on mine or their needs. (mostly mine).

I've still got too much face fur at this time to go full time.

Sports bra's and loose shirts are helping, but i think that will only go so far.

[Dana_W]

Thanks for the advice, all. I'm now planning to talk to my employer as soon as I can put together the proper materials. Sports bras are still bras, and I work with some pretty sharp people. The cover up will only last so long, and how long is not entirely within my control. Time to be a big girl and get things rolling. 

[sylvie]

   I told my HR back in August that I was transitioning.  We haven't established a date yet, but things are definitely noticeable these days (I'm 10 months in on HRT).  Even though I do not pass well some things have changed.  I have told a few people that I have worked with for a few years now, and they've given me feedback. 
   Instead of sports bras I found that bra tops work pretty well.  You can order them from Victoria's Secret online.  They have many different styles so if you're still concerned, you can get one that looks like a tank top.
   I'm glad that I had notified my HR back in August because someone that I had confided in told his buddy, and that buddy spread it around the job.  Within the day, my name had been linked to the rumor that there was a "->-bleeped-<-"  in the hangar.  I called HR that day to warn her about what I had heard and she talked to the site supervisor to give him a heads up.  They both told me that NO discrimination will be tolerated and not to worry about it.  So far it hasn't been a problem.  Aside from a couple of people looking at me and trying to figure out if it's true, nothing has been said by my coworkers.  However, everyone did have to have sexual harassment and anti-discrimination training this month. 
    Good luck on your journey.

[CharleneT]

You are in one of the most progressive states in America, likely as not it will go smoothly.  One thing that could help.  The HR people are likely to appreciate having some time to prepare and decide on steps ... so even if your planned "coming out" is months away it could help to talk to them now.  I can't see how it could hurt.  GOOD luck to you !!