Staying under cover at work??

[jillblum]

Hey girls, I want to start HRT now but I'd like to stay undercover at work as long as possible. I know I can bind breasts and wear loose clothing but the face... How long did it take for your feminization to become obvious?

Jill

[BrandiOK]

Well..first the disclaimer.  If you are at a time in your transition that you are ready to start HRT then you should also be discussing this with your employer or employers HR people.  I can tell you from experience that starting HRT then trying to hide it until you 'feel' ready to tell your company can backfire on you.  My attempt to hide the effects of HRT were impossible and not long afterwards I was "laid off" for "lack of business" despite being the only one in my department at the time and being swamped with work.  My hesitation gave them the chance to take the offensive and legally let me go before talk of my transition even came up.

Now..as far as how long you can hide it, that depends on you.  Everyone responds differently to HRT.  It's not just breast growth that can out you.  There can be changes in skin, the way your face looks can become more feminine from different fat distribution.  And, in my opinion, there are changes so subtle we don't even realize them but others looking in can see them, even if they don't recognize them immediately.  I noticed a big difference in the way the women I worked with treated me.  Previous to HRT they were courteously friendly due to my position at the company but soon after starting HRT they began making comments such as "there's something different about you today" or "you remind me of this woman I know from blah blah blah" followed by the 'uh-oh' disclaimer like "I didn't mean to say you look like a woman I just meant you had similar features or blah blah blah".

I would highly recommend talking to your supervisor or HR person before starting.  If anything it can give you a slight legal advantage should something happen.

Either way, good luck

[jillblum]

Duh Jill! I didn't think of the legal protection factor. I work in a sales/service industry btw. The way the economy is it would be too easy to let me go for "sales performance." Thanks for the thoughful response. What are your thoughts on seeking a more "behind the scenes" position with the same company prior to coming out to them? My current position is very high profile. I'm brave but I don't feel the need to prove it!

[paulault55]

I don't plan to go full time till next year, but i already contacted my companies HR department and let them know of my intentions, and they will not tell anyone else till i ask them too, i telecommute to work and have little contact with customers, mainly talk with out field techs on the phone, HR was fine with me transitioning and even asked if there was anything they could do to help. I suspect i may not be the first to do so.

I been on hrt just about a year and around the 6 - 7  month mark i was getting asked questions like "did you get your hair cut", "have you lost weight" , "did you get a new shirt" people were seeing something different about me but didn't know what, and this was from people that see me all the time, most noticeable were the facial changes, since then i guess people are used to the changes as they come or they have figured it out and are not saying anything.

Paula

[Jill]

Hey girls, I want to start HRT now but I'd like to stay undercover at work as long as possible. I know I can bind breasts and wear loose clothing but the face... How long did it take for your feminization to become obvious?

Jill

Hmm, you could try letting your beard grow.  That might hide a lot.

A different Jill

[sylvie]

although I have told my supervisor and a few coworkers I am still not full time there.  I work in the aviation industry and we had another individual transition a few years ago.  It hasn't been a problem yet although I was razzed about letting my hair grow and getting my right ear pierced.  Take in consideration that I also work with a bunch of ex navy guys so that's usual anyway.  I am currently on my 5th week on hormones and certain physical traits are starting to become noticeable now.   

One coworker figured things out about 2 weeks ago.  We were sitting on top of a helicopter doing some maintenance and talking about relationships (long story).  Suffice to say he made a comment about how I was taking things so well, and then made the comment "What are you?  A woman in a man's body?"  He kept working for a few seconds and then sat up straight and looked at me.  His next comment was "You are aren't you?"  I told him that yes I was and that I was starting to transition but I wanted to keep it quiet at work.  He figured that there was something about me but he could never put his finger on what it was.   Once he knew it all fit in place.  The good thing is we are still friends at work, and he's curious as to what I am going through.

I definately recommend contacting your HR representitive about what you are going through.  As has been said they might be willing to help you out as well.  I hope everything works out for you.

[Janet_Girl]

When I began HRT, I knew that certain things would not be 'hide able'.  But I am into this for a penny a pound.  Most of my coworkers already knew, because I no longer could hide who I was.  Did I care that they thought I was gay?  Hell, no.  I have to be true to myself.

No one can live your life, but you.  And yes I am getting to the point that I am 'Out and Proud".  But it also comes into the point of just living MY LIFE.  I really could care less if You think it is right or not. But then again my employer is behind me 110%.  There is even a training about diversity.

Does everyone agree?  Hell No.  Do I care?  Again, Hell No.  Until they have lived this life, stay out of it.

You have but one life to live, Yours.  Until they have your responsibilities and will totally support you, they have no business stating their views.

Janet

[BrandiOK]

Well..a "behind the scenes" position will most certainly still require you to explain the changes that come along with HRT but not being being in the spotlight, so to speak, can have it's benefits.  It all comes down to what you will feel most comfortable doing.  Plan everything in advance Jill.  Have a set plan in place to discuss your transition with your HR person.  Have a set time when you plan to start your HRT.  Have a set time when you plan to begin working 'en femme'.  Have a plan for any contingencies that may arise also.  You can always change the details as you go to make it all run as smoothly as possible.  Always, always plan ahead and prepare for the good and the bad.  Personally I think it would be easier to discuss your plans with your HR person before you start HRT.  Give them a head start to prepare for their part in the process.  Even if they have dealt with someone transitioning before, chances are they need a refresher. 

[Ms.Behavin]

BTW, it's not just the boobs that grow.  The back side may grow on you a bit too and start looking pretty "BIG"  (Thanks Mom). 

Lets see finger nails got rounded / smaller.
Skin softer
cheeks (HA front AND back)
Eye lids changed a bit
Lips changed a bit
Less body hair
"softer" look

Not to mention the plucked eye brows and earrings I started the job with.

All that in about 6-8 months

but YMMD.

I told my HR people about 4 months after starting hrt and 3 months after being hired.  It's a slow process but one day it will sneek up on you.

Beni

[Hannah]

Did I care that they thought I was gay?

That's an interesting thought. Being gay is a lot more socially acceptable to most people. I've heard that a lot of people change jobs post transition anyway, so unless you plan on wearing taffeta dresses to work that's probably what they'll think. Theyr'e gonna notice your hair and boobs eventually though, people have started to look twice at me after four months.

I think a behind the scenes job is a great idea, your'e going to be busy enough judging and scrutinizing and being hard on yourself without dealing with lots of other people doing it too.

[jillblum]

Thanks girls so much! Great advice from everyone. I just want it all now. You know? In reality:
I'm just starting electrolysis (tomorrow )
Hair restoration scheduled for the new year.
HRT after that.
(When my hair is grown in on top and stops growing in so much on the chin.)

I will speak to my HR person before HRT for sure! Its so easy to want to rush. I'm learning to be born in stages. I have waited this long. I owe it to myself to take it naturally.

What would I do without my sisters on Susan's Place?

[Virginia]

I can see a multi-million dollar law suit if someone was fired because of the physical side effects of taking hormones. Estrogens are prescibed to men for a variety of extremely common medical conditions- cancer, osteoporisis, in the old days prostate problems. You don't owe anyone an explanation about your appearance and no one needs to know you are taking hormones because you are a transsexual unless you choose to tell them.

Ginny

[Pippa]

I am not yet out at work.   I had intended to go full time about now but the current climate at work and the likelihood that I may be taking my employer to an industrial tribunal for constructive dismissal has forced me to hold on for now.

Outside of work I am effectively living as a woman full time and this is the way I intend to live my life.   If I am out of work later this year, I do not intend to go back to living as a man even part time.

As for hormone changes, things do take time.  I have been on HRT 8 or 9 months.   My shin has softened, my hair is layered and my eyebrows are plucked.   I have also nearly completed a course of laser hair removal on my face.   I am unaware of what people say behind my back and I am sure some colleagues suspect.   Others no doubt think that I am gay, a misaprehension I am used to, but the main comment I hear is how much weight I have lost.

It is possible to hold out at work for some period of time but eventually you have to be true to yourself and to others and come out.  This is a stage of transition I am currently struggling with and I am trying to work things through with my counsellor.   I think that my confusion with my gender and my 'cross dressing' has been a tightly held secret for so long, I don't want to lose the secrecy.  On top of that, I have the usual fear about losing those that are close to me.   I just need the courage to break the destructive pattern of my life of the last 20 years.