Coming Out Adventures

[Radar]

So I thought I'd make a post that would chronicle my coming out experiences to family and eventually work. I just mailed the letter to my sisters yesterday. They'll be the first in my immediate family to know.

Wish me luck.

[Nero]

good luck bro!

[Radar]

Thanks Nero. So I e-mailed one of my sisters yesterday and told her to look out for a very important letter from me. She said she's excited to see it but asked if it was the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney. Yep, this is my family.

[Jamie-o]

Good luck, Radar!

[Radar]

So my sisters received their letters yesterday and I talked to one of them last night. She said she was surprised yet not surprised. Sort of like it's news you don't usually get yet isn't completely unbelievable. She checked out the websites I gave her and she did more research and watched videos.

Anyway- she's very excepting and supportive! After I mailed the letters I told them they would be getting an important letter and for them to not tell anyone about the content inside. My sisters were trying to figure out what it was and being transgender was one guess. My brother-in-law proclaimed "I think [Radar] is getting a sex change and you can tell [my other sister] I said so. His guess is amazing for two reasons. One, I would have never thought he'd think that since he hasn't know me as long as my sisters (duh) and I don't get to see him very often. Two, he's pretty much never right about anything (it's a family joke- yet true).

She had many questions, especially about the surgeries. She said it would take time to get used to it, especially since we don't see each other often. So, she'd like for me to show them progression through photos and videos. She finds the whole process fascinating and was impressed by other transguy's transition videos (thanks guys). She's actually excited about the changes. I told her she can tell my brother-in-law (that he was right) as long as he could keep quiet. I don't want other family members finding out 2nd hand- I want to tell them myself.

A funny thing my sister did say was that if I ever did get phalloplasty she wants to see it. I don't plan on a phalloplasty since I'm not pleased with the results, though I would like a meta and scrotoplasty.

She said my other sister was a little more surprised but seems accepting. I'll be talking to her tomorrow. I moved away to college when she was young (big age difference) and only see her occasionally since then so she doesn't know me as well as my other sister. I look forward to talking to her and see what she thinks first hand.

[myles]

Glad things went well. That is funny about your brother in law.
Cheers
Myles

[Cindy]

Hi Radar,
I hope I'm not intruding on a guys page

When I came out (OK reverse situation) my least favourite sister in law said straight away, "known for ages" she is my closest friend now
Funny how it goes. BTW I don't have family brothers but my sister and her husband accepted me straight away.
I think we do torture ourselves

Good Luck and Hugs Brother of mine

Cindy

[Radar]

Here's a late update on how it went with my other sister. She is very supportive as well and so is her husband! She had many questions and admitted she still needs to check out the links I recommended. She has been talking to my other sister as well (they live in the same town). She also said she wasn't very surprised when looking back on everything. She and her husband were discussing what my (new) middle name should be and agreed it should be something super masculine so decided on Thor. Yeah... that ain't gonna happen. My sisters think they should decide my new name. That ain't happening either.

So, my 2 sisters and brother-in-laws are supportive and look forward to seeing the changes. My one brother-in-law welcomed me into the male fold but asked me that if my face hair grows out patchy to please shave it so it doesn't look like fuzzy patches all over my face. I told him not to worry since I think that looks stupid anyway. He also said he admired me for "no longer giving a s**t" and doing what I have to do.

After discussing game plans with my sisters I believe I know the best way to tell my Mom now. It helped alot talking to the sister who knows Mom best and helped me feel a bit better about her possible reaction. So, I'm getting there.

[Melissa M]

That is so kewl that you have such a wonderfully supportive family!  I am very very happy for you!  Congrats!

[Radar]

O.K. So my book for my Mom (thanks Janet for the recommendation) came today and I was going to get all my printouts and letter ready to mail off to her. Well, my Grandpa hasn't been doing well at all these last few months but I found out today he's doing really bad. I spoke with one of my sisters today and we agreed it would be too much for our Mom right now. We've also discussed that when he dies (probably soon) telling her during my visit would probably be too much as well. I don't get to see my family very often because they live far away.

Here's where it gets even more difficult. I don't want to get my name changed, get top surgery done or come out at work until all my immediate family knows (out of respect). But, due to this terrible situation not only is it bad for me about my Grandpa but now many of my transition plans have been put on hold.

It's ironic. For so long I've been putting off and was too scared to tell them. Now that I'm all ready and mentally prepared to tell my Mom it's not a wise or good time for her. I shouldn't have waited so long to tell her. That was stupid and cowardly. I know it sounds selfish but I've already wasted 34 years of my life and I'm ready to move forward.

*sigh* Waiting, waiting, waiting. Tick-toc tick-toc.

[Alexmakenoise]

First of all, congrats on coming out to your family!   

My brother-in-law proclaimed "I think [Radar] is getting a sex change and you can tell [my other sister] I said so. His guess is amazing for two reasons. One, I would have never thought he'd think that since he hasn't know me as long as my sisters (duh) and I don't get to see him very often. Two, he's pretty much never right about anything (it's a family joke- yet true).

Haha, this doesn't surprise me at all based on my own experiences, at least.  I've been noticing over the years that a lot of guys seem to have a way of detecting males in female bodies.  They usually have to take some time to get to know me first, and usually, they don't say anything until I've brought it up.  But, far more often than I expect, they're the first to bring it up.  Or they seem to instinctively treat me like a guy instead of a girl without saying anything about it.

Then when I do say something about it, they react like, "Haha, it's cute that you're making a point of stating the obvious."  I mean, they tend to be more polite than that, but that's the gist of it.

Women don't seem to pick up on it as quickly, or intuitively, if at all.  I have no idea why.

[Radar]

Thanks. I still have several more (and very important) family members to tell but I'm getting there (slowly).

I agree with the possibility that men pick-up on it more often or sooner than females (for FTMs anyway). Maybe it's a male vibes thing. I too have had guys tell me I'm more like a guy but never insinuated being a lesbian (like some women have- including lesbians).

There's no question I've always been treated more like "one of the guys"- like at school, sports, work, etc. Women seem put off by it or confused. It's hard enough for me to interact with women as is. I've also been excluded from women's talk and outings... but I'm completely fine with that since I hate that stuff anyway. It's like they know I'm not on the same wavelength, confused and just plain uninterested. They'll sometimes even refuse to talk about women's issues around me. Yet, despite all of this, they seem the most clueless at work in seeing my transitioning changes (I'm not out at work yet).

[gennee]

When it comes to coming out, you never know how people will react.

Gennee

[Radar]

I have something I'd like to get people's opinions on. Even though I'm ready, now wouldn't be the best time to come out to my Mom due to heavy stress in her life right now. I wanted to tell her before my Dad & Stepmom (who live close by). At the moment though when I should tell my Mom is really up in the air.

Also, I didn't want to tell my Dad until after my husband has moved out. We're going through a separation agreement right now and he won't move out until it's finished and signed. Problem is, we're finished and ready to sign but he's dragging his feet. We had discussed that I not tell my Dad & Stepmom until he's moved out in case any drama ensues. I can respect and understand that, but since he just wants to drag his feet God knows when he'll be out of the house.

So, here's what I'm not sure of. Should I wait and tell my Mom next no matter the wait? Should I tell my Dad next instead? And if so should I wait even more until my husband's moved out? I'm tired of the waiting and stalling. I can't move on with transition until these things are done but I also want to be considerate to my family.

I know this is my fault for waiting so long, but it's just annoying as hell that now that I'm ready to tell these damn roadblocks are in the way and won't move. What's a man to do?

[sneakersjay]

There never will be an ideal time to come out, FWIW.

And why is the soon-to-be ex dragging his feet?  Maybe any ensuing drama would light a fire under his butt to move out?

You have to do what you have to do.


Jay

[NightAngel]

Congratulations Radar!!
The hardest thing is to tell the family, the rest is easier ....



Michelle 

[Radar]

There never will be an ideal time to come out, FWIW.

Very true... but some times are just not right at all.

And why is the soon-to-be ex dragging his feet?

Because- to be blunt- he's being a vindictive ass.

Maybe any ensuing drama would light a fire under his butt to move out?

I actually thought about that.
Post Merge: February 25, 2010, 07:32:15 AM
All right- screw it. I'll tell my Dad & stepmom before my bum husband moves out if I have too. I can't wait forever on his slow ass. Screw being respectful of him. He hasn't been respectful to me since I came out to him. Maybe once he knows they know he'll GTFO- especially if they're (somewhat) supportive.

Now, whether to tell my Mom or Dad first...

[Radar]

O.K., so my letter, printed out info and book are ready for my Mom to get on Friday. *sigh* It's going to be a long week waiting.
Post Merge: March 20, 2010, 10:23:18 AM
Update-
So my Mom got her letter, printed info and book yesterday. She phoned me last night and is 100% supportive! She knew some of what I wrote about because she's watched many shows & documentaries on transsexuals and transgenders. She knows it not a choice or mental illness and understands it's a biological thing. I was quite surprised on how much she already knew. She hasn't read the book yet but will. I think it will give her great insight.

She said she was shocked but mostly because it's news most people don't get. However, when thinking about my past it didn't really surprise her. She's very supportive and encouraging. It's better than I could ever imagine!

We're not sure how supportive extended family will be. Even though they're important to me they all live farther away and I rarely see or hear from them so it's not as big of a loss. So my mother, sisters and brother-in-laws are all supportive. Unfortunately they all live just as far away too. They said they would support me the best they can and I can always phone my Mom if I have any problems with transition.

So, now I need to tell my Dad & step-mom. This will be the hardest for me because I'm closest to my Dad and they don't live far away so I do many things with them. Even thought I really want their acceptance I know I have to do what I have to do. A big problem if they're not accepting is that, since they live close by, they could make my life a living hell. Their acceptance is most important to me and to tell you the truth it scares the sh*t out of me. I'm not completely sure when I'll tell them but it will be soon. I guess I'll just pray to know when the time is right.

In other great news my grandpa, who's been in hospital for over 6 weeks, is well enough to leave and is going home today! Yay! Also my husband & I signed our separation agreement a few weeks ago so he has to be moved out by this Friday. Don't feel sorry for him because he knows who he wants to live with and has been preparing and moving his stuff to their house... for the last 8 months. So, he's had plenty of time to prepare.

Also he's only worked 3 months in the last 2 years and his unemployment has run out. For many months now he hasn't even been job searching. So now not only do I pay for everything I did before he's making the utility bills sky high and eating all the food. Mooch. For many months now I've refused to give him any money but he's getting it from somewhere. The money he does have he blows on stupid and unnecessary things. I do believe that once he's gone I won't miss him one bit. Good riddance.

[Al James]

Sorry its late but really glad to hear it went so well with your mum

[Cindy]

That's good news radar. Sounds like you'll be heaps better off without the husband :

Hugs
Cindy