In Limbo - Kinda presenting as female but not full time yet

[Dana Lane]

I was going to post this in real life experience but not sure it actually fits there because I am not full time yet. Kinda sorta.

I have come out to all my friends, the part of my family I care about and at work (including the VP of my division and HR). I wear women's clothing (jeans, knit tops/turtle necks, cardigans, female shoes (no heels), jewelry, nail polish and light makeup. Nobody has ever called me ma'am by accident.

When someone asks me what I prefer to be called (Dana or my male name) I tell them I prefer to be called Dana but in the event this is somewhat work related it should be my male name. This is a bit frustrating for me but I imagine just as frustrating for people around me. In any event due to my current status I accept either name by pretty much anyone right now.

The further down this path I go the more uncomfortable I feel in a male role. I am starting to really feel weird using the men's bathroom. I just feel I absolutely do not belong there at all. I would much rather use the ladies room instead but I guess i am not to that point yet.

I am trying to work out in my mind when would be the time to start going full time (name change, etc) but can't seem to figure out when. My boobs are growing and at one point I figured maybe they would decide for me but to be honest, I am wearing makeup and painting my nails! So maybe I need to rethink things.

I guess I feel my brain is a bit scrambled right now and mainly wanted to vent a bit of frustration.

BTW, I am in a fabulous mood and extremely happy. Just frustrated.

Hugs to everyone

[barbie]

As you know well, it is not easy to present as female because I was born male. It is a simple fact. Wearing female clothes and shoes makes a lot of troubles, sometimes jeopardizing my career.

On the other hand, it can be exciting and thrilling that I sometimes can look female even though I am a biological male. This is not what most people can do and enjoy. I can be special without derision. Self-confidence and gracelfulness will keep me from looking like a clown.

Barbie~~

[Janet_Girl]

I went through that for a while, but I was told that when I began presenting more female, I would be required to use the ladies restroom.  I went full time on Sept. 13, 2008 and I have not seen the inside of the men's room since. 

You will get to the point that you can't present any kind of male.  There are days that I don't feel like doing my makeup, so it is just a little light foundation to cover flaws and that is it.

Hang in there, Baby.  full time is just around the corner.


Janet

[K8]

I had it all planned to go fulltime last July or August, then in April I woke up one morning and thought: I'm ready.  I started fulltime April 21, 2009.  It sounds like you are close, Dana.  I think you will know when it is time.  For me, I just didn't see any significant imediments other than my own fears.

I had an elderly friend say she was taken aback the first time she saw me go into the ladies room.  Then she realized: Where else would I go?

I don't think you need to legally change your name for fulltime.  You need to socially change it, and you should change it legally soon after, but full time is just living day-to-day as the woman you are.

Good luck, sweetie.

- Kate

[lilacwoman]

the folk at work had seen me a bit of a crossdresser for a while so when I decided to transition fully I put a notice on the wall by the timeclock saying I'd be in female mode with new name from the following Monday...it worked out fine.

[Dana Lane]

Thank you ladies! I ended up having a bit of anxiety last night thinking about this but when the ativan kicked in everything was okay. hehe

Kate, that is funny how your situation turned out because I have a feeling mine will be similar accept I don't have a transition date set at all yet. I do have a feeling it is just around the corner, though.

I will have no problem at work for the most part. I know a lot of people at Penn as I work in one of the official offices for the university. Penn is my comfort zone. They also have specific policies in place to support GID and expression.  I guess some of my real fears are the outside world part where people don't know me and if they see me going into a ladies bathroom might see a 'guy in a dress' going in there and cause me problems. But this is what most other girls go through I suppose when they are transitioning.

I didn't realize you can do this without the legal name change at the same time. I am wondering how this would work out. I guess they would still keep my payroll records in my male name?

I think what I need to do is to meet with my therapist and discuss the details of this and then meet with HR at work and talk to them.

[K8]

Dana,
I started the process to change my name about the same time I went full time, but in my state it takes six weeks.  I remember that during then I bought a leather jacket at a big Harley store.  I already had a VISA card in my new name, but the clerk wanted to see my driver's license.  I showed her the license, with my old name and a picture of me with full beard.  I explained that I was in transition and my name change hadn't come through yet.  She got nicely flustered and completed the sale.

The in-between stage can be interesting.

- Kate

[MaggieB]

I was in that in between state for about two years. I found people were staring at me in public and while I thought I was getting away with something, I really wasn't. All I did was to look like a femmy gay man and that got me in lots of trouble. When I finally went full time it was like I became invisible! Except that people smiled at me again and men opened doors for me. It was WONDERFUL!

Maggie

[Autumn]

At work I tell customers that I 'go by' my male name. It chops the snake's head off before it can hiss. Before I did that it lead to a lot of mixed reactions when they saw my business card name or read my name badge. A lot of people just find it charming now.

Course, one customer of mine who had to cancel an order (and I was briefed ahead of time by my coworker who canceled it - who informed me that the gentleman kept using my male name and referring to me as she, and said coworker was dumbfounded) returned to re-order and told me "I spoke with your boss..."

No, sir. You spoke to the middle aged white gentleman that I trained for this job. Also, our boss is a woman.

*glare*

I've been told that once I present female I will have to use the ladies room, but that they won't allow me to change my name at work until it's legal. ... even though people can go by nicknames or middle names all they want.

Also apparently passing full time with customers (except when coworkers pound 'him' and 'he' into them) and new employees isn't presenting female enough. 

Oh well, all the more contrast there will be when I start wearing makeup and showing chest off.

[Pippa]

I know the feeling,  I want to go full time asap but still have the fears and uncertainties that go with it.   I am fine with strangers but I am scared stiff of coming out to family and friends.   I know it is a hurdle that has to be jumped but like a nervous horse I keep refusing the jump.

I will get there soon and hopefully my counsellor will help.  Some things are becoming too obvious to hide

[Dana Lane]

I know the feeling,  I want to go full time asap but still have the fears and uncertainties that go with it.   I am fine with strangers but I am scared stiff of coming out to family and friends.   I know it is a hurdle that has to be jumped but like a nervous horse I keep refusing the jump.

I will get there soon and hopefully my counsellor will help.  Some things are becoming too obvious to hide

I remember when I first started coming out. The first person I told was a woman I work with and I was TERRIFIED! I was shaking, actually. I finally got it out and while she didn't understand all of the details involved gave me her full support. Now we are girlfriends and hang out all the time..shopping, etc. Then the next one was a bartender I knew. She is one of my favorite people. She was awesome and excited about it. She knew it was confidential but told her best friend Bob about it. Then one day I was at my favorite local bar and found out everyone knew. Bob had told every single person he knew (which was everyone I knew!). I was a bit freaked out at first but everyone was so supportive I realized what he did was a blessing. At that point I was out and I continued to tell every single person I knew.
Post Merge: January 27, 2010, 03:27:02 AM

At work I tell customers that I 'go by' my male name. It chops the snake's head off before it can hiss. Before I did that it lead to a lot of mixed reactions when they saw my business card name or read my name badge. A lot of people just find it charming now.

Course, one customer of mine who had to cancel an order (and I was briefed ahead of time by my coworker who canceled it - who informed me that the gentleman kept using my male name and referring to me as she, and said coworker was dumbfounded) returned to re-order and told me "I spoke with your boss..."

No, sir. You spoke to the middle aged white gentleman that I trained for this job. Also, our boss is a woman.

*glare*

I've been told that once I present female I will have to use the ladies room, but that they won't allow me to change my name at work until it's legal. ... even though people can go by nicknames or middle names all they want.

Also apparently passing full time with customers (except when coworkers pound 'him' and 'he' into them) and new employees isn't presenting female enough. 

Oh well, all the more contrast there will be when I start wearing makeup and showing chest off.

Your situation sounds pretty complicated! I hope things smooth out for you soon.

[lilacwoman]

the men opening doors, the women saying I have a lovely figure, the shopping trips and lunches, the way you can see guys ogling you from out of your eye corner.  Thta's what transitioning is all about.  I love it.

[Dana Lane]

I have a meeting with HR next Friday to discuss the logistics of going full time at work. I haven't felt this much anxiety in a long time! Thank goodness I have anti-anxiety medication for a preexisting anxiety disorder. whew! My head would have already caught fire and exploded for sure.