Guilt, regret, and parents

[dtt47]

Hello, friends! I'm Nate, I'm a transguy, and I've been lurking on this forum for a couple months now. I am writing now because I need a little advice and support because I don't really know where to go.

I came out to my parents yesterday. I hadn't planned on doing it on that particular day, but the opportunity came up and I knew I couldn't miss it. It went well, I suppose. I told them I have been dealing with gender dysphoria since puberty and was seriously considering transition in the near future (when I move away permanently to go to graduate school this fall, that is). They won't reject me if I do, and they're working to find me some professional help in making this decision.

I thought I would feel better after coming out, I really did. Instead I just feel sad, angry, and disappointed. They are trying to be supportive but I have really just made them feel very upset and guilty. As debilitating as my dysphoria has been over the past few years all I want to do is take it all back, pretend it isn't there, forget about everything. I utterly regret having thrown this into their up until now smoothly sailing lives. They feel they have been bad parents, that they are to blame, that it makes them bad people, and I know it is all my fault.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess if anybody here can speak to this I could really use some encouragement. My parents don't want me visiting trans related web sites for a while, so I don't know if I'll be around much, but this is the only place I know to turn. Thanks guys.

[spacial]

Can I ask you?

Did you expect your parents to react so positively?

Did you gear yourself up to deal with negative reactions from your parents?

[sneakersjay]

PFLAG can help.

And I am a parent of a teenager and I'm also trans, fully transitioned, with a professional job, if it would help anyone's parents to talk with me.  Shoot me a PM.  I'm the most normal boring person there is lol.


Jay

[Adam]

When I came out to my parents, I would say I felt almost the same way you do afterwords. I almost felt like I just wanted to take it all back and pretend nothing ever happened. I didn't even want to discuss it for months after. But now that it's been over a year and I've passed some big hurtles on the road to transition, my parents are starting to see me more as their son, I'm going to school as a guy, it's making me start to feel a lot more comfortable about the whole thing.

[Radar]

I'm really questioning why, if your parents are supportive, they don't want you going to trans websites.

It's not your parents' fault- it's no one's fault. Science has show that us transgenders get exposed to a hormonal cocktail that gives us the brain and identity of one sex but the physical sex of another. This is a natural change- not because of something your mother did or didn't do. It's referred to as a "natural adaptation" or something like that. Going to trans sites will be helpful for you and your parents so they can learn more.

I know all this makes life very difficult... for us and our families. But, it can't be taken back. You can pretend it's not there, but you can run for only so long. It will catch up to you. And you can never, ever forget.

[Teknoir]

It's that "holy crap, what have I done?" feeling that comes with knowing you've said or done something that causes change or disruption, and there's no way it's ever going back.

Kinda like the morning after you've totaled a car you didn't particularly like

I think it's part the shock of having your "big bad secret" out there, mixed in with a bit of guilt for feeling like you're disrupting everyone else's perfectly fine life, and a little bit of the ol' fear of how things will change.

It'll pass with time, and it gets easier the more people you end up coming out to. Going from "in" to "out to someone" is a really big step. Give yourself some time to adapt.

If you think you need to be away from these sorts of sites to clear your head for a while, that's normal. It's important to know you're not being influenced by the sites or people you're around.

[Jamie-o]

As everyone has said, that's a pretty normal reaction.  I came out to my parents nearly a year ago, and am just now getting to the point where it doesn't feel so terribly weird and uncomfortable.  I think my mom has finally stopped crying about it, now that she's realized that I haven't become a totally different person, just a much happier person.  It will take time for both you and your parents to become accustomed to this major life change.  All you can do at this point is ride it out.