Letting it out. . .

[Silver]

The dysphoria's getting bad now. Really, I'm lethargic and depressed all the time. I'm not the same. I just keep getting more feminine, and it doesn't seem like it's going to stop. Maybe if I come out now, I'll get a chance at going to therapy and maybe some medical transition if I'm lucky. I just don't know how to break it to my parents. I'm still underage and in high school.

They already don't have a high view of transsexuals, and my mom is "conveniently" catholic. Homosexuals and such are ungodly. But she doesn't follow any other parts of the religion. She can only judge, and does it constantly. Has a sharp tongue and nothing to occupy herself with. My father, I don't know, he might be more accepting.

I also don't want to be any more of a financial burden than I already am. My father's getting older, the economy sucks, he's losing business and my mom is still coming up with excuses for not having a job/going to school/really doing anything worthwhile at all.

So. . . I figure I have some choices.

- Get a job, save up money, offer to pay for it myself. This isn't so much one of my options as a prerequisite to all the others. Then, they might be less opposed to it because it's not draining on them financially.

- Wait until everybody's calm and in a good mood and come out. Might turn out badly, might not, I don't know.

- Wait until some gender-related crisis and come out. Then, it would explain my lack of femininity while they are thinking about it. Might be good, or it might just piss her off more.

- Come out to my father alone and work out a plan from there. Would be awkward, but if I can get him on my side I'd have a powerful ally.

- Continue to wait. Save money, do it when I'm gone and send them a letter so that I don't have to take the flak from my mom. Give her time to calm down. In the meantime, immerse myself in more important matters and try to forget the GID. I've been doing this, but I think I'm at the point that I really can't anymore and I need some sort of solution.

What's the worse that could happen? I could lose all privilege, my parents will never see me the same way (I mean, that's what I wan't but I mean it in the negative way) they might ignore me and refuse to do anything about it. Maybe they'll try to rabidly force me into femininity.

Best case? They'll accept me unconditionally and help me along the (possible) path of my transition. Or at least just be supportive and affectionate.

I guess I'm just posting this because I don't know what to do, and I don't have a blog to fill with my ramblings either. Advice/suggestions/other options to consider are welcome.

Edit: Oh yeah, other benefits. Possibility of a little male socialization. If and when I'm in college I will present male all the way through, I won't feminise any more. Basically, I'll be able to get on with life more comfortably with a problem like this in the past.

[Cindy]

Sorry SiverFang that the first reply is from a girl. I certainly don't mean in any rude manner. I just have to be the post at this time of day.

This might sound really dumb and others have posted before.  You are young but you are old enough to make your own decisions. It sounds a horrible unsupportive path to suggest but guess what we have to make them. How I don't know. Sometime some were you are going to have to tell M&D that the biology went wrong.
You are guy. You are living in a body that doesn't have an association with your brain. That this is not a passing fad. BTW M&Ds have lots of experiences with their childrens passing fads.
Explain. Even if it means posting the literature to them. Explain.

Their hurt will be high, but they also (from your comments) love you.

Explain. Let them know that you love them. You are their very proud child. Just not quite the sex they thought.

These are difficult and very complex ideas to spring upon people who have no idea that we exist.

But it is a damn sight better than 44 years ago when I tried it Sorry.

That your Mum is a bit picky about Religion probably means she doens't believe it is just something she can't throw away. The old insurance policy bet.


Good luck


I'm sure lots of Guys will post. Love and Hugs from an older sister in Australia

Cindy

[thestory]

I can understand where you are coming from. My family is also religious and it sounds like our mothers are somewhat similar. With a family like ours it can be terrifying. I knew when I came out I wouldn't be kicked out but they would be furious. Hell they were angry at me admitting I like girls, admitting I was FTM made quite a few months of my life unbearable.
That doesn't mean you should avoid it. Saving up money is a good plan in general, but don't dump the information on them just before transitioning. I would find a time now to figure out the best way to tell them, and let them settle into it.
If they are anything like my parents they may just sulk and deny it and act like nothing is ever gonna happen. My mother still purposely calls me 'beautiful' and 'little girl' just to rub in the fact I'm not geneticly male, as if proving I have no chance that way.
I don't wanna surgar coat it because it may end out ->-bleeped-<-ty with your parents, but then again they may be very understanding. You are their flesh and blood.
Find a way you feel is best and share what you are experiencing.

[sneakersjay]

You never know until you come out.

My family is also very religious and gets on my case about NOT being religious any more.  I thought for sure they'd disown me.  But they didn't.  Lots of questions, but once they realized that I was going to transition with or without them, by and large they have been supportive.  Still mess up pronouns and such, but I dont' see them often enough for them to really practice much.

Make your plan, and come out.  It is a huge relief not to have that secret looming.  Be prepared for the worst, but in some cases that never happens.  Sometimes families say all sorts of stuff because it doesn't apply to them.  And suddenly when it does, they say oh.  wait.  This is MY kid.  And the rest of it kind of falls away.

Good luck!

Jay

[Silver]

Thanks for the replies, they helped point out things I don't think about. Yeah, it is easier now. Maybe it won't be too bad. Yeah, I think it's like that about the religion. I'll try to keep it all in mind.

Good idea, I'll let it stew for awhile first. They might be forced into some compassion because they raised me, and I think that can only help.

I just can't muster up the courage to do it. When I posted that, I was really depressed and emotional. Fighting back tears the whole day, I felt horrible. But now that I'm in a better mood, I don't feel so desperate. But the problem isn't getting any better.

I think I'll start looking for a job, then come out to my father. We'll work out how to break it to mom, and then therapy can possibly start. Meh, a little worried about social issues if I do really end up transitioning though. Will I get beat up or somesuch? I guess there's only one way to find out.

Hmm, how will I explain my knowledge of all this and male anatomy? Supposedly I don't know anything. Maybe anatomy books, that might work. How will I muster up the courage? I guess I just will. Meh, just stream of consciousness, don't pay attention.

Anybody know of any therapists in my area? Or have a list of therapists? (Preferably trans-friendly) I really don't want to name my city or surrounding cities on the internet.
Post Merge: February 06, 2010, 12:02:48 AM
Meh, I could start a new thread but that would be a waste of space. Warning- copious amounts of angst below.

I just can't go on living like this, dysphoria's finally hitting me hard. No matter which way I go about it, the fact is that it's just really painful to me to live like this. About a year ago, it started to bother me. I tried to figure out what was wrong, and after some research I figured I was a transsexual. I joined this site, figuring I would lurk around and talk to some people (there are some really smart people here) and eventually, sort my feelings out.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, I thought maybe I was just being ridiculous. I mean, hey, I'm not masculine. Never was. Didn't have a problem with my sex, learned to ignore the "phantom penis" (I was quite confused at first.) I figured that I would never become to feminine, I'd just be me. But I can't anymore, I'm changing into something different and every day I am reminded of it. All the time, it's just unavoidable. It's everywhere.

It's horrible now. I feel like crying all the time, and I'm such a weakling but I can't help it. There's no way to escape what's going on, it just won't stop. And I have to watch it, every day. It feels so wrong. I have to hold back the tears and depression all the time, try to think about other things. If I'm not focused, I'll just notice myself and how screwed up I am and the depression will just come back. I have to hide it from everybody and I'm crying most every night.

Today, I was with my boyfriend. I was fine until I had an "attack" of sorts. It's just, everything I do reminds me and I can't stop it. I was holding back the tears, trying to cover it up. But he noticed I was down. And that only made him sad (being the caring guy he is), which in turn depresses me more but I just can't tell him what's wrong. Even if I do, what difference does it make? He can't stop it, I can't, it'll just be a burden to him too. I'm starting to hate everything about myself, it's mutating and I just have to watch it. It's like watching yourself be wounded. It just makes me feel sick and sad. I hate it.

Another stressor- I'm finding myself attracted to women and feeling a little guilty about it. I mean, poor guy but I just can't stand to leave him. Male bodies just don't do it for me. I fantasize about women, and I'm finding myself attracted to them (unrequited lust- what fun) but I'm too attached to him to just up and leave. If I admit it I'll have to admit to being gay, and I'm not a lesbian. I'm a straight guy (alright, well, not completely straight. I'm with a guy but the point is that I'm not a lesbian.) I don't want to date lesbians, 'cause that'll just be the same problem again but with less company. I don't find people who think like me and quite frankly, I'm attracted to women's bodies and not their minds. The girls I like are straight and well, how am I going to get them to see me as male?

I've decided I'll come out to my father tomorrow. Or, rather today since it's 1:00 AM here. I just can't take it anymore. If I regret it, too bad but at least I'll have given it a shot. At least I can know that I tried. I just worry that my parents won't believe me because of my lack of masculinity. I didn't think I was a boy before and I didn't act like one either. My mom had a lot of barbies because she always wanted barbies when she was a kid and she gave them to me. So I played with them. It just decreases my credibility, but maybe I can get them to try to understand. I'll probably end up shedding a lot of tears, and hey, with my parents that'll only add to my credibility.
Post Merge: February 06, 2010, 01:16:24 AM
Actually, since I doubt this will be read I shall add a bit more angst. The only ways for me to be comfortable with myself are:
a. convince myself that I'm masculine enough to be male
b. outright deny it
c. convince myself that someday I can get out of this nightmare and really just be comfortable with myself
d. not thinking about it, avoidance, but it can't be done if I'm doing anything physical.

The only way I can not think about it is if I'm doing something almost completely mental. Like reading, drawing, pondering the meaning of life, video games.