Grieving the Old You

[BunnyBee]

This morning I was visited by the ghost of my previous self.  He walked up from out of the fade and wrapped his arms around me warmly.  With reassuring kindness he said, "You've shown such strength that I never knew you had.  I'm proud of you, and I know you will be fine"  And with a smile he looked me in the eyes and softly said goodbye.

With that he began to fade from view.  Before he left, the only thing I could manage through the tears streaming down my face, "You were a good person, I really wish I could have been you."

So, I have been an absolute mess all day after this.  Such a strange thing to mourn yourself.

I haven't had a moment's doubt of the path I chose, an advantage of waiting till there was no other choice.  This wasn't regret either, but just my way of saying goodbye to that which never could have been.  I hung on long enough.

[Alyssa M.]

It doesn't seem the slightest bit strange. Okay, perhaps strange, but completely familiar.

Every now and then I get a visit. There's some sadness, but it's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter.



~Alyssa

[MeghanAndrews]

Hi Jen,
First, I think you are experiencing something very normal and therapeutic. I think that sometimes you'll struggle with the right way to say good-bye or when it happens. Sometimes you might be revisited by the old you, but more in memory than an actual presence. I don't see it as something to fear or run from, it's a mourning process and it's healthy. You sound like you are really approaching things from a strong place and that you are headed to even more happiness Meghan

[Asfsd4214]

Maybe I'm just fortunate, but I don't feel that there is any separate old me.

There's old me living with my issues and trying to be somebody else, and there's current me who's not, but they're both me, I haven't become somebody else in my eyes, maybe I have in the eyes of others, but to me I'm the same person I've always been, just being more myself.

[Vision]

Wow, I did the same thing today too, when I got my new driver's license in the mail. 

[V M]

That's very poetic

But I don't miss my evil twin at all. I'd be glad if he quit bothering me. All he wants to do is kill me anyway

[Muffin]

I thought about this when I first started transition, it's like what we go through is the closest thing to suicide because in a sense our old self is gone. Especially in the eyes of others the person they once knew and were friends with and loved has gone.. sure there is a part of us that is still present but we do change a great deal. Enough for me to say that male is no more, gone, over... dead (at least in my eyes).
I don't feel a need to grieve for my old self as I hated him ..good riddance I say. I guess I have briefly thought about keeping old photos and saying that was my brother.. but he died, but for one it's a lie and two my past is pretty easy to let go.
I find myself reminding my mum that the old me wasn't exactly anything to be proud of and that it wasn't a huge loss.. even if she thinks that I'm a bit of an embarrassment now.
Our parents no doubt at some point feel sad in a way because they feel like that perfect family, perfect genes the no defects in the family is over.... they now carry the weight of producing an abnormality. That's something I worry about more than my old self, I wish it wasn't the case.

[BunnyBee]

It was a surreal experience.  I've never seen "my old self" as a different person at all, just my same old me trying to make due with the situation I was in.  I have never even looked at this transition as a death and rebirth, but more of a cleansing.

So, it was very unexpected and caught me completely by surprise.  I think this was an exercise of my subconscious trying to handle some emotional disturbance I wasn't aware of, sort of like a dream I was awake for.

In most ways I say good riddance to the past, but I can never help to see the good in things- apparently even in the tortured male husk from which I'm trying to emerge.  I think this experience will give me new perspective going forward, which seems to happen so often in this process.

I'm glad that some of you experienced similar things, and I def appreciate the words of encouragement from all of you .

[Lachlann]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm going through it now.

It's not like my previous self was all that 'different', but they were another person. It's time to move on and embrace the rest of me.

[Hannah]

But I don't miss my evil twin at all. I'd be glad if he quit bothering me. All he wants to do is kill me anyway

I confess that I am enamoured with Virginias...hat.

Oh wait, wrong thread. It was well written, but I do wonder sometimes what exactly you kids are dissolving under your tounges when I read about these experiences.

I don't miss him at all and if he ever came to visit I would shout "YOURE NOT REAL GO AWAY BEFORE THEY LOCK ME UP AGAIN"

[spacial]

I understand that many people view there different gender personalities as two different people.

I've heard, so often, that people who spend periods of time in another gender, can talk about getting <name> out for a while and so on.

I have to say that has never really affected me.

I was born with a problem that has distorted my appearance. I have a feminine name, which I did use for a time. I really don't know where it came from, just that it feels so right.

I've learnt to accept that my body has been twisted into its appearence by the way I was born. But inside I am and always will be the same person.

[Janet_Girl]

There have been times when I was really down that I can feel his arms around me. telling me that everything will be all right.  It always gives me strength.

I don't miss him, because he was an a$$.  Many people who knows both of us the sides of me, like me a lot better.

[Sandy]

I had a similar experience when I was gathering up the last of my (his) clothes to give to the Salvation Army.

I did not have the opportunity then, or since, to talk to him (barry).  But what I felt was the same grief that I have had when someone passes away.

he was there to protect me and did for many years.  But in the end the pain and poison started killing him and he was going to die.  And I would have too had he succeeded.

It was a palpable sense of loss that I had as I gathered his clothes, knowing that he would never wear them again.

he sleeps in my heart at peace, finally.  A cradle him as a mother cradles her wounded child.

-Sandy

[BunnyBee]

I do wonder sometimes what exactly you kids are dissolving under your tounges when I read about these experiences

Lol, I know what you mean =P.

I just want to reiterate that I do not see my past self as a seperate person, or even personality.  This reference in my little daydream to my previous self was allegorical. Very "A Christmas Carol-ey" I guess.  I think this was my subconscious' way of finding closure with the past, or something.  I don't even know...

But yeah, I see myself as much the same person, with the fake parts stripped away.  That is the part that made it so strange.  A few days ago if I read Sandy's post I would have not understood her one bit. Now I think I know exactly what she means.

I have seen so many arguments break out over differences in how people define themselves pre and post, when I feel more and more that we are really all going through pretty much the same thing.  Maybe we frame things differently in our minds or use different words to express certain aspects of it, but the experience at the root is much the same.  Everybody's perspective is valid, along with being subject to getting flipped on it's head by a new experience. 


Post Merge: February 01, 2010, 11:40:37 AM
Ohhhh, Meghan I love your youtube site .  You give such positive advice.  I <3 you for that.

[Naturally Blonde]

Another weird topic.  I am the old me....

[BunnyBee]

I am the old me....

Hmm...  You should try reading ALL the words, imo.

[Naturally Blonde]

Hmm...  You should try reading ALL the words, imo.

'Grieving the Old You'? I read it...and I don't...I am the old me which is also the new me. I've had no drastic change in image or personality. I guess some people here have gone through a radical complete lifestyle and image change....well I haven't and I've always been the way I am. That was my point even though I didn't put it across very well.

[Kelli]

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I go through the EXACT same thing- of grieving for him.

I revisited an old friend this weekend, and was faced with seeing the old ghost I wish I could've pulled off.

Hang in there babe!

[BunnyBee]

I revisited an old friend this weekend, and was faced with seeing the old ghost I wish I could've pulled off.

I couldn't understand why I felt grief for something I knew was never real.  But now I wonder, without going into all the gory details, how much this has to do with unresolved guilt I may be feeling toward my friends/family for putting them through a mourning process.  This experience definitely helped me understand their feelings better anyway.

It makes more sense now.

[Kelli]

Exactly! :-)


Very well put!