I think I'm going to tell my sister...

[Wolf Man]

So, a bit of background. Sorry if this is so long.

I have a mother, a father, and two older sisters. One is 28, no job, one kid, divorced, sleeps around, drop out, just not making the most of her life. She's "ghetto" and lives here at home with my parents, her kid and myself. We'll call her J. My other sister is getting ready to turn 27, has 3 kids, got her GED (she dropped out as well), is finishing up a review course to take the state board test so she can be a nurse, and is living with our cousin because she divorced her husband who wasn't all that great. We'll call her C.

So, I've got a sister who lives on reality TV and food stamps and whom I dislike. Then I've got the sister who I've always had the best relationship with, who cares about me, and is just a better person.

C has been getting on me about my binding and packing. She noticed them, pointed them out, and then J and my mom knew about and all three were teasing me about it in no time at all. C and J, more C though, were teasingly asking if I'd be taking testosterone, getting my breasts removed and if I'd "get a penis". I didn't say anything and just left because I was leaving anyway. J and my mom were teasing me recently and my mom said that she'd love her baby even I got a penis and was man.

I always assumed my family to be quite unaccepting if I came out as trans. In the past 4 months this is what I've assumed, though I thought C would be the most accepting. Now, I just don't know what to think. They could be serious, but they could be messing around because they assume it will never happen or at least not until much later in life.

So because of all these events, I'm considering telling C. Though my sisters probably couldn't keep a secret to save their lives, I'm trust C enough to keep this one. I'm going to out myself to her and if things go smoothly, ask her what she thinks I should do with J, mom and dad.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the reactions? Maybe suggestions as to what I should say. I'll add any suggestions to a second letter, I'm going to make one now for her. Wish me luck...     

[placeholdername]

The simplest advice I have on handling other people's reactions (to anything really), is that there's nothing to 'handle' -- you don't have any control over how they react.  The more important thing is how you react to their reactions, which you do have control over .  Best thing to keep in mind is that it can be a really uncomfortable thing for people to talk about initially (surprise surprise), so someone's first reaction isn't a necessarily a good sign of what their long-term viewpoint.  People need time to process these kinds of things.

One thought on the teasing... this kind of thing can be very uncomfortable for people to talk about, and a common tactic people use to deal with things they're not comfortable talking straight about is to mask it as teasing or jokes.  So this teasing you get from them could just be their way of trying to talk about something that they don't really know any other way of talking about.  Then again, they could just be teasing you, it can be hard to tell .

[Jamie-o]

No advice, I'm afraid.  But I do wish you luck.  Let us know how it goes.

[spacial]

Sibling rivalry is part of family life. All family life, from the most dysfuntional to the most functioning.

Your mother's tolerance is what you should be concerned about.

[Wolf Man]

I'm utterly nervous about writing this letter. I tried to start it and just couldn't do it, but I'm trying again.

My mother's tolerance is surely the most important thing for me to worry about.

I think the teasing might be their way of talking about it because it is something they find awkward to talk about seriously. Once they asked me if I was transgendered teasingly when I was writing an English paper on the group. I said maybe because at the time that's exactly what I thought, maybe. So, yeah.

Thanks for all your reponses.  Here I go!

[Radar]

Best thing to keep in mind is that it can be a really uncomfortable thing for people to talk about initially (surprise surprise)

My sisters had tons of questions- but that was a good thing. They did research on the references I gave them plus did some more research on their own. They seemed quite knowledgeable on trangender issues when we talked about it. I hope I continue to have their and their husbands' support. As for how my parents handle it... we'll see.

[Wolf Man]

So I sent her message, on Facebook of all places.

Here are the messages:

Me: I have to tell you something. I'll let you know only if I have your word to keep it to yourself. You might be guessing, but I'll let you know when I'm ready.

So zip it!

C: Wtf wat r u talking bout?

Me: I'll take that as a "Yes, of course I won't say anything." :p

I'm a man and I'm going to therapy. You've noticed me binding and you've noticed me packing, so maybe this isn't such a big surprise. I just wanted to let you know this and see how you take. I assume you as the most accepting and that's why I'm telling you first.

I've been thinking this of myself since October and have been doing these things to make me appear more male since the end of December. I don't want you saying anything to anyone, even to Jackie, because I know how you guys just blurt things out to mom or in front of her. I live here and though I don't plan on staying much longer I don't want to be kicked out or disowned before I'm ready.

I want to begin to taking hormones within the next year and I want to have chest reconstruction surgery within the next five years. I have no current desire to have genital surgery, but there's always a possibility that I might in the furture if I end up displeased with what I've got.

As you can probably tell, this is all pretty serious stuff that I don't feel ready or safe sharing with our family. I'm going to therapy to sort things out with myself and if this all sticks, which I'm sure it will, my therapist will diagnose me and provide me the ability to begin medically tansitioning.

For me this means finally being comfortable with myself and being happy. I've told the friends who matter and I've told Erica. I'm lucky that they all accepted and support me. I'm sure you know some things, but if you need some solid information about all of this I can provide that to you.

I'm basically telling you now that I am transgendered.

So, yeah. I guess I'll wait to hear from you.

P.S. Seriously, don't tell anyone. I mean it. I'm not ready to tell the family or anyone who needn't know. Please.

C and I have that sort of relationship, if you can tell from the first couple of messages. She's great. I hope things go well...
Post Merge: February 18, 2010, 04:02:47 PM
So, she finally responded. She's not totally comfortable with my decisions, but she says she'll always love me. She couldn't offer much insight on what my family would think, but she won't tell them. This is one step forward.