The right time

[jonjon]

I just wana ask everyone what you would consider to be the right time to come out to your parents.

Did you carefully pick the right time? Or did you get found out unintentionally?

I guess i'm just worrying about it... if i come out to my mum too early and have everything turned upside down... or if there's any way she'll find out which i can imagine cos i still live with her... and it's really awkward, especially while she's around most of the time.

So i'd like to hear a few of your stories, what you think, your experiences.

[beth]

           "Coming out" takes a lot more fortitude than "getting found out" and in my opinion is lots better for everyone. If you are found out, the perception of who you are may be very incorrect and not everyone would come out with their new found knowledge right away. That leaves time for the family member to be open to much speculation and misinformation that may be hard to overcome when you are finally confronted. Just be very sure you understand exactly where you stand before you come out because any uncertainty on your part will convince them you are confused and can be "cured".

            The largest problem I have noticed is that most parents/family etc. do not know what transsexuality is when first told. The approach I used was to condense the definition or T/S GID into a couple of pages of easy to understand information. I also wrote my feelings and how I had struggled with them so. I included some of my poems that conveyed my feelings.  I didn't include too much information, it was something they could read in less than 10 minutes. I ask them to read everything in the order it was in before asking questions.  I was immediately accepted by all in my family, not just because of the way they were told of course but first impressions can go a long way.


beth

[jonjon]

Thanks beth.

Cos when the time comes.... i wana make sure i do it right. I fear my nannan more than anything, she is very old fashioned and very set in her ways.... and with her being head of the family (she says goes) it's very scary too. My mum i'm not so worried about because i know how much she loves me. Maybe she dont show it in the best of ways, but she was there for me when i published my book that had some sexual content. My nan insisted she read it without even any knowlege of the content (i tried to warn her) but even for that i felt like she was about to cast me out of the family forever, my uncle said he wasn't going to talk to me ever again and they insisted i recollected all copies i sold and destroyed them I didn't however, my mum read my book and so did my auntie and they were a lot more understanding and they persuaded my nan to come round.

I know thats a total different subject... but it's similar and i know this is going to be a lot more harder on everyone.

[Ricki]

Wishy i can only say that sooner is better than later, I set myself up for failure because i was already headed down a depressive path that led to a suicide attempt, and my expectations of my family and parents were not reasonable i assumed and expected them to just accept and deal with it and they did not and that just fueled more of the fire in me!  so you know your situation better then i but i would suggest sooner rather than later unless you are dealing with things very clearly then time may not be an issue at all.
My thoughts
Good Luck
Ricki

[MeganRose]

I came out to my parents the day after I started on HRT.

It was some pretty strange timing, because my sister had told my parents that she was gay the week before (I had known for a while but hadn't felt it was my place to say anything, as I'm sure my sister felt about me,  she kind of knew about me, even though I hadn't given her the whole story), but that helped me so much in being able to just stand up (figuratively speaking) and tell them exactly what was what. I had a month in between arranging the appointment where I would get my prescriptions and the actual date, and for the three weeks prior to my sister beating me in the first-sibling-to-come-out race, I was absolutely terrified about doing it. Having my sister lead by example was the best thing that could have happened. I realised that if she had the courage to tell the people she loved exactly who she was, then I had better work it up and fast. I was planning to tell them the next time I saw them after I started on HRT, but because they live a fairly long way away and it wasn't looking like I'd have a chance to see them for at least a month or two, I ended up calling them on the phone and telling them exactly what I felt and what I would be doing about it. I didn't really want to do it like that but I thought it would be worse if I started on HRT and went a few months before I saw them, having really no idea at that point just how much my appearance might change in the interim.

They took it very differently. My mother, though initially a bit shocked, was brilliant, and by the end of the phone call told me that if I needed to do this to be who I really am, then she would support me. I talk to her by phone all the time about everything that is going on, I never expected her to be so understanding of everything that I'm going through. My father initially thought that I had been pressured into transitioning by my therapist, and after explaining that this was something that I had felt for a very long time and had very carefully considered whether it was something I should be doing or not, he didn't speak to me for about 2 months. After that we were back on normal speaking terms, but he hasn't really wanted to talk about my transition at all until very recently. He's promised to sit down with me next time I go home to visit and let me talk through everything with him, which probably wont be until christmas now, but its progress all the same.