the mother knows

[jonjon]

I possibly am the worst at keeping secrets around the closest of people. So last night i plucked up the courage and i told my mum.

Surprisingly, she took it better than i thought, initially. She didn't shout, she didn't cry and she didn't throw me out the house. We had a very civilised conversation about it, she asked why and i explained to her my feelings about it all and why this descision is so important to me. She says she remembers throughout my childhood i was nothing ever like female, never have been, so she see's reason behind it all. Because of this... yes i admit i cried, i cried because i was happy that there was no fighting and i hugged her (very rare thing) and i told her what an amazing mother she really is. Yes, she began to blame herself, but i told her in no way is this anyones fault... it's just a messed up way of nature where it got it wrong.

We even discussed going on holiday together next year, me her and her husband and if i can find a friend to come with me, might make it a bit better.... just two things i dont like about this choice... A. i will have to fly... I guess this means i'll have to teach myself a few physics lessons so i can gasp the concept behing big huge chuncks of metal floating in the sky >_>... and B. we're going to greece. Greece = hot weather, i dont get on well at all with hot weather... but my mum's trying to convince me it's a different kind of hot and u dont even notice it... we'll see, shall we?

Today, i think the realisation is hitting home and i'm feeling the after wrath. We talked about it a bit more when i came in from work and she started to cry. She told me that she couldn't do her job right at work today because she couldn't concentrate. She asked why does she have to suffer? True, there's nothing i can do to make her feel better, i cant turn around and tell her i wont go through with it just for her... i simply cant. But if i knew of a way to help her accept that she will have to live the next few or so years with me going through this change, then i would do everything i could to make it easy for her.... but i just cant think of anything. I understand totally her feelings, but i can see this will make her suffer slightly.

[HelenW]

Wishy, your mum is probably suffering from a shock against which she has little to fight with.  Try to find some info on the www concerning transsexualism and make it available for her to read.  If you wish to point her towards a good book about transsexualism, I very strongly recommend, True Selves by Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley (I'm not sure how to spell Ms Rounsleys name, I lent the book to my mom a couple of weeks ago).  You can buy it through Amazon.com, I'm sure, that's how I got mine.

Your mum may be thinking that this is the end of the world for you.  There's not alot of info in the mainstream about FtM successes.  Lynn Conway's site may be helpful and I'm sure the other guys here at Susan's can point towards other sources.

I hope this works out for you and the rest of your family, Wishy.  If there's anything I can help with, please send me a note.

Hugs & Smiles,
helen

[Jillieann Rose]

Time and Love is the best thing you can do for your Mom.
Time, she needs time to get use to the idea. It wouldn't  be easy for either of you, but hang in there.
Love, be there for her and be patient. She is hurting and will have to morn the lost of a daughter.

Jillieann/Jr

[Ricki]

Wow Wishy... I feel for you!
you know I maybe have not been the best son/daughter to my mom but her resentfulness in my gender and her eagerness to avoid it at all cost has not drove me from her but, I do not aplogze to her for it.
I know in past conversations i've literally drilled her with questions..
what were you and dad smoking when you had me?
Were you on illegal drugs?
Did you take mind altering psychadelic drugs?
Did your father abuse you and you took it out on me by making me transgendered?
Is dad my real dad?
Did you drop me as a child?
Was i a test tube baby or something?
was a breast fed bad milk?
you know that sort of thing?  She'll say why do you blame me?  I'll say i do not blame you but do not think for a minute that you bear no responsibility in bringing me into this world that the accountability right or wrong has to fall somewhere?
And alas..............it has no impact she is as numb as an iceberg to the whole gender scene!  I could pee gender on her leg and she would not feel it! Woe is me, sniff sniff...
I know it sounds harsh but the context in which i say it is not as harsh as it sounds on paper i sort of say it in a more teasing or irritating way to try and get to her...
No effect!
any communication is better than none at all..
I hope things work themselves out wishy..
Side note i think you do not have to wear shoes in grease?  you can go around bare footed? hehe -kidding here lol

She asked why does she have to suffer?

I have often wondered when parents or siblings make comments like this like are they saying its your cancer do not inflict it on me?  that is basically the message my family sends me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could get al gigged up lookin hot and go to my sisters for thanksgiving and give everyone cardiac arrest it would serve no purpose except to make them even more resentful, they are not accaepting of my issues they are resentful and embarrassed of them.. why push that........Surely a shame!
Good luck wishy..btw-the only time i ever felt safe on a plane was with a parachute and by an exit door! 
ricki

[Refugee]

Parents are wierd.  They generally want their kids to grow up and be happy as themselves, but they also get their own hopes and dreams.  When I told my mom I was gay, the fact that I woulnd't be getting married, to a woman, was a huge issue for her.  That neither my brother or I has had children yet is a huge issue for her.

When I was working through my aborted transition, a friend of my parents lost their teenage daughter to cancer.  Later on, my mother told me just as much as they watched their daughter die, she watched her son die.  The only difference is they could openly talk about their grief and loss and find support, my mom could not.  And when it was all said and done, they could visit her grave.  My mother feared her son would be lost and she'd have nothing to remember him by.

From my own experiences, you have to let parents do their thing.  They're going to say some really off the wall things and react in ways you didn't think possible.  But in the end they should come around.

[jonjon]

It is indeed a difficult situation. I know eventually she'll come around, i know that day will come. But it's the journey there thats going to be difficult.

I imagine we're all going through it... or some of us have been through it... and it gets to me that she has to push all her anger, confusion, distress and hurt upon me and it's something i dont need at this point in my life where i'm going to have enough on of getting through this myself.. it's almost doubling the fight i'm already going to have and i wish i could make her realise that the harder it's going to be for her, then double the harder it's going to be for me... and when my nannan finds out... well... i can only say that death would be like a holiday compared to what she'll put me through

But there's nothing in the end i can say or do to make it better.

I'll try with helping her understand my situation. I'll have a look for that book and i'll try that siteand show it to her. But i feel she understands why i'm doing this... she just deep inside wishes she could refuse to believe any of it and pray i never felt anything like.

[Ricki]

Stay at it wishy...
You're doing more to try than some have done and that's a good thing, maybe our reward comes in the end or another life..
hugs
R