My thinking about my surgery has evolved over time. As it get closer it becomes more real to me.
Denial Even after I had a surgery date, I was afraid to admit to myself that I would get surgery. I was afraid to get my hopes up. Gradually I came to accept that – barring unforeseen events – it
will happen.
Anatomical I told myself that I just wanted to get rid of "that stuff" and have my pants fit properly.
Sexual I began to think that – if I am very lucky – I will be able to make love with a man in a way that would please him. (I know that it is unlikely, but it
would be nice.
)
Legal It would be nice to be officially female rather than my current state of being a woman but male.
Social I want to feel even more to be a woman among women. They have been very good to me and I really appreciate it, but somehow having a more female body seems like I could be even more a part of this club I wanted to join all of my life.
Physical At some point I started thinking about the fact that this is major surgery and that I may have a long and uncomfortable recovery. (I knew it from the start, but it didn't become a concern – become real – until later.)
Emotional It is only recently that I've started thinking about the considerable emotional impact of this event. I didn't worry about this aspect, downplaying its significance in an attempt to not let myself want the surgery too much. But now I am becoming whole at last – something I never dared hope would happen – and there's a lot of emotion tied up in that. My transition has been a very emotional process for me. I just wonder if the surgery will be part of that process or bring new feelings.
- Kate
