Well okay, that's not strictly true - I'm just going through something of a Nightwish obsession right now
Thought the name appropriate for the stage I'm at right now though - I'm actually typing this while waiting for my doctor's appointment. More on that later, though.
Anyway. I was born female, but never really acted it. I spent my younger days playing football (British football, since that's where I'm from) and climbing trees. The few doll-type things I had were bought for me, but never really played with them much. School was an absolute nightmare from junior upwards - the kids latched onto something different about me and that was it. Teased mostly about my mouth, but also about my underwear in the girls' changing rooms, among other things. It didn't help that I was already showing an unnatural fascination about developing girls' bodies.
As well as enduring constant torment at school, my parents were going through a rocky patch, to the point where my brother and I were hoping they'd hurry up and split. I did have acquaintences at school, and went to their homes a few times. During senior school I learned about shaving legs and applying make-up, but neither took my interest that much. What did was the possibility of fitting in better, so I gave it a go. To this day though, girly moments like that are so rare, every time I'd returned to my make-up bag in the past, I had to toss out the old batch.
What followed was failed attempt after failed attempt to "fit in", which slowly screwed me up more and more. I went through brief relationships (not that many), and as my body developed I grew less happy, both with that and myself. I never liked people treating me like some delicate flower ("Shouldn't be saying that in front of a lady"; "Careful you don't break your nails" when opening up a computer case - ugh!), and have told my then college students to just "treat me as one of the lads" - which they did, thankfully.
Because of everything else going on, the gender issue got kinda buried for the most part. The last time it raised its head was when I was still living with Mum, and we were having this talk. She asked me straight "Are you happy being female?" (or something like that), and my intial thoughts to that was "That's actually a very good question!" I'd already figured I was bisexual by then, but there was still something not right. I'm lucky to have such an open-minded family, who are intelligent enough to know the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. If not for that I may still be wondering what's been going on.
I did try dressing in men's clothes then, but that didn't feel right either. It felt good to look more manly, but I didn't know about binding then. I still had long hair, which was pinned back, and just felt like a woman dressed as a man, nothing more. So I dismissed it and carried on. Eventually I got a place at Uni and moved to this city I'm in now, and have gradually got myself sorted out for the most part.
When at Uni, I had to do some research for a project. I was big into game making by this time, and had already come up with this idea, which was pretty heavy on the storytelling side - but interestingly enough, one of those characters was a guy who preferred to be female. For this project I had to show research for this game, so I turned up all this transgender info on Wikipedia, and came across the term "androgyne". I felt at the time it fit - great, that solves everything, I can move on now.
Except I can't. Years later, after Uni fell flat and I'm now working part-time, I've still had many times where I just wish I could switch bodies and walk around as a guy. I play the Sims 2 a lot, partly for challenges I find across the net, and partly to experiment with my self-sim - I've changed its gender in games twice now, at least; it's become an outlet for that at the moment. I've discovered how I want to express myself in clothes, and although I did get hold of this nice velvet vampire-type top, it just feels so wrong when I look at my hairy arms and lack of curves. Yes, even my body can't make up its mind - that just amplifies it all.
I just feel in some kind of limbo where my feminine side consists of being more empathetic and creative, yet I relate best to other men. I'm still not great at expressing my feelings. I generally feel more like a bloke, and I'm at that point now where something needs to be done to fix it.
My doctor's appointment is to hopefully get referred to a gender specialist. I made it this afternoon, and wasn't expecting it to be the same day, but I'm glad it has. Meanwhile I've been doing quite a bit of renewed research on the subject, whereupon I found this site. It seems to be a very useful resource, and I look forward to being able to talk with others who actually have an idea of what I'm going through - it always feels like you're the only one for miles with this issue.
Apologies for the essay - hi folks, how's it going?
